Tag Archives: anxiety

July 16, 2023 · 1:00 am

Abuse and Defensiveness, Part 2

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Depiction of Final Judgment on the facade of Amiens Cathedral, France, Author Savant-fou (CC BY- SA 3.0 Unported)

We continue our discussion of defensiveness with an examination of the impact of this psychological defense mechanism on relationships, and the tactics abuse victims can use to stop relying on it.

Impact of Defensiveness

When defensiveness is frequently employed by partners (romantic and otherwise), it is likely to become a vicious cycle with both parties critical and entrenched in their positions before any real discussion of an issue can take place [1A][2A].

Situations easily become tense and hostile.  Everything seems to escalate into a fight [2B].  Issues are never resolved.

In a business context, this is likely to cause isolation from colleagues, and may put a job in jeopardy [2C][3A].  In a romantic context, it will interfere with empathy and intimacy, ultimately becoming destructive to the relationship [1B][3B].

Tactics to Overcome Defensiveness

Professional counseling is one technique for overcoming defensiveness (along with underlying mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and PTSD), particularly as such counseling will increase our awareness of the problem [1C][4A].  Journaling can, also, assist, in this regard [4B].

Acknowledging (rather than attempting to deflect) our feelings can help validate them, and defuse a situation before it gets out of hand [4C].  This allows us to remain calm, listen, express empathy, and focus on the issue at hand without rushing to judgment [2D][4D].

Taking responsibility for something we may truly have done wrong is an opportunity for growth, not a sign of weakness [4E].

Other tactics include building self-esteem, and learning more beneficial communication skills [1D].  Assertiveness training is, for instance, available [5].

Once we recognize the triggers for our defensiveness and understand what may be prompting it, we can more readily ask ourselves what behaviors might be more effective in achieving the specific outcomes we desire while preserving the relationships we value [1E].

Recognition and Eternal Rewards

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ” (Col.  3: 23-24).

This is a flawed and broken world.  We will not always receive from it the justice we believe we deserve or the recognition we desire.  As followers of Christ, we will, in fact, be rejected, reviled, and persecuted (1 Peter 4: 12).

God, however, knows our hearts, as well as our failings.  He knows the experiences, positive and negative, which have shaped our lives.  He knows our pain, and our good intentions, whether we can fully express them or not.

Since He sees and knows all things — but loves us immeasurably, despite that — excuses before God are worthless (Luke 8: 17).  Imperfect as we are, He purchased us at the price of His blood.  This makes defensiveness with Him unnecessary, reducing the pressure on us to employ it with others.

God alone is the final Judge, in any case, the only One whose opinion of us really matters in the end.

—

[1A through 1E]  Healthy Love & Money, “What Is Defensiveness and How It Becomes a Vicious Cycle” by ED Coambs MBA, MA, MS, LMFT, 10/20/22, https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/what-is-defensiveness-and-how-it-becomes-a-vicious-cycle.

[2A through 2E]  Verywell Mind, “How to Stop Being Defensive” by Sanjana Gupta, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-defensive-7187366.

[3A and 3B]  Wikipedia, “Defensive communication”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defensive_communication.

[4A through 4E]  Verywell Mind, “What Is Defensiveness?” by Arlin Cuncic MA, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-defensiveness-5115075.

[5]  Wikipedia, “Assertiveness”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness.

Part 1 in this series was posted last week.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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July 9, 2023 · 1:00 am

Abuse and Defensiveness, Part 1

File:Richard Humphreys, the Boxer MET DP167133.jpg

“Richard Humphreys:  The Boxer” by John Hoppner (1778-1788), Metropolitan Museum of Art (Accession No. 53.113), Source/Photographer https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/436691 (Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Donation)

“Defensiveness is where you try to convince the other person not to think negatively of you, where you defend yourself, where you try to make sure you don’t get found guilty by the court.  Assertiveness is merely stating the truth.”

-Dan Munro [1]

Defensiveness is a psychological defense mechanism which involves justifying our actions when we experience shame, sadness, and/or anger as the result of perceived criticism [2A][3A].

Defensiveness is distinct from assertiveness in the defense of our rights.  One is emotion driven, an attempt (conscious or unconscious) to deflect blame to our opponent, and often related to anxiety or low self-esteem.  The other is simply a confident and reasoned communication style, which stops short of aggression [4].

Connection to Abuse

Abuse — whether emotional, physical, sexual, or arising from neglect — is a recognized cause of defensiveness [2B][3B][5].  Since we were unable to protect ourselves against abuse as children, it is entirely possible that we may become reflexively defensive as adults.

Domestic abuse can, also, result in defensiveness.

Continue reading →

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November 6, 2022 · 1:00 am

Jellyfish

File:Jelly cc11.jpg

Pacific Sea Nettle, Monterey Bay Aquarium, CA, Source  https://www.flickr.com/photos/dan90266/37269957/, Author Dan Parsons Dan90266 (CC Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic)

Jellyfish are equipped with stinging tentacles used to paralyze, capture, and kill their prey.  The largest known specimen, the lion’s mane or giant jelly, has tentacles which can reach 120 feet in length.  That is longer than a blue whale.

The sting of a jellyfish can be agony.  In humans, that sting can cause burning and blistering of the skin, difficulty breathing, changes in heart rate, chest pain, abdominal cramps, vomiting, muscle spasms, numbness, weakness, and collapse.

The tentacles can sting, even after a jellyfish has died.

The Tentacles of Abuse

Like jellyfish, abuse has long tentacles.  Rather than extending into deep water, those tentacles extend across the years.  But their sting can still be agony.  Like the tentacles of jellyfish, the tentacles of abuse can paralyze, capture, and in some cases kill.

Real Wounds

Whether we suffer with physical ailments and visible scars or with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, the wounds stemming from our abuse are severe and real.  We are not weak.  We are not malingering.

It is, in some ways, easier when our wounds can be seen by the naked eye.  Burns are recognizable as such.  By contrast, the wounds of many abuse victims cannot be bandaged or sutured.  Invisible, those wounds can yet be deadly.

Long-Term Damage

Because it was inflicted early in our lives, while we were most vulnerable, the damage done by abuse is long-lasting and multi-faceted.  Victims must endure it for decades, across the full range of life activities.  This can be exhausting.

Eventually, we may feel overwhelmed by anxiety or depression, as if we were drowning; may feel trapped by our past, despite our best efforts; may feel wrongly that ending our lives is the only way out. Continue reading →

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July 10, 2022 · 1:00 am

PTSD and Grief – Healing Through Nature

File:Early Fall in Sierra Nevada Range, CA 9-16 (29957191822).jpg

Early Autumn in the Sierra Nevada, Author Don Graham of Redlands, CA (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul alike.”

– John Muir

The respected naturalist and environmental philosopher, John Muir, believed that nature offers the body and mind opportunities to heal themselves [1].

Muir tirelessly hiked the Sierra Nevada, writing extensively about his experiences and ultimately co-founding America’s premier conservation organization, the Sierra Club.  His activism helped to preserve both Yosemite and Sequoia National Parks.

Mission Outdoors https://missionoutdoors.org/ and Hometown Hero Outdoors https://hometownherooutdoors.org/ are two small non-profits which share Muir’s view.

They afford military service members and veterans a temporary escape from the stress of combat or the difficulties of transitioning to civilian life through hunting, fishing, and other outdoor activities.  Hometown Hero Outdoors is open to law enforcement personnel, as well.

PTSD

Many of these individuals suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder – an illness to which victims of childhood abuse and domestic abuse are, also, prone. Continue reading →

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May 29, 2022 · 1:00 am

Psychedelics for Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD, Part 2

File:FerndalePoliceStop102415.jpg

Drug paraphernalia including marijuana/cannabis and a methamphetamine pipe, following a police stop in Ferndale, CA, Author Ferndale Police Dept., Source https://kymkemp.com
(PD per California Public Records Act)

We continue our discussion of the risks and benefits of a drug-based psychiatric approach utilizing psychedelics to treat anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Despite growing enthusiasm for the use of psychedelics, the evidence is far from in.

LSD

Lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) – one of the most potent hallucinogens – was studied from the 1950s to 1970s in order to assess behavioral and personality changes, as well as relief from psychiatric symptoms [1][2A].

LSD was originally used in the treatment of anxiety, depression, addiction, and psychosomatic illness.  Readers may recall that the US Army and CIA, also, experimented with LSD as a truth serum.  But most early studies were not performed to today’s standards.

Across 11 randomized-controlled studies (involving a combined total of 567 patients) positive outcomes were observed, particularly with regard to alcoholism [2B].

In rare instances, however, psychedelics such as psilocybin and LSD can evoke a lasting psychotic reaction (more frequently in patients with a family history of psychosis) [3A].  Adequate screening of a patient’s vulnerability and prior psychotic episodes before the use of LSD is, therefore, emphasized. Continue reading →

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May 22, 2022 · 1:00 am

Psychedelics for Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD, Part 1

File:Ecstasy monogram.jpg

Ecstacy a/k/a Molly, Author DEA, Source https://www.dea.gov, (PD as work product of federal govt.)

“I am more convinced than ever that psychiatric medications, over the long term, cause net harm.  I wish that weren’t the case, but the evidence just keeps mounting that these drugs, on the whole, worsen long-term outcomes…The inventor of frontal lobotomy…was awarded a Nobel Prize for inventing that surgery, which today we understand as a mutilation.”

-Award-winning science author and journalist, Robert Whitaker [1][2]

Recently, a number of drug trials have been conducted re-assessing the effectiveness of psychedelics for anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

While the results of these trials have been heralded as providing new treatment options for tenacious illnesses, there are serious dangers associated with psychedelics.

Serotonin

Psychedelics act on receptors in the brain for serotonin, a neurotransmitter that effects mood.

There is some thinking that psychedelics enhance the brain’s capacity to form and reorganize synaptic connections, especially following injury [3A].  But this hypothesis needs further research.

In the therapeutic setting, psychedelics cause a receptive, dream-like state during which memories are readily accessible [3B].  The theory is that this state opens the door to fresh ideas the therapist can introduce.

Unsupervised use is not recommended. Continue reading →

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May 31, 2020 · 1:00 am

“How Being Bullied Affects Your Adulthood” by Kate Baggeley

Bullying, Author Dalia098 (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

While the coronavirus has disrupted the normal school year, for some of our children this may actually have come as a relief.

“In American schools, bullying is like the dark cousin to prom, student elections, or football practice:  Maybe you weren’t involved, but you knew that someone, somewhere was.  Five years ago, President Obama spoke against this inevitability at the White House Conference on Bullying Prevention.  ‘With big ears and the name that I have, I wasn’t immune.  I didn’t emerge unscathed,’ he said.  ‘But because it’s something that happens a lot, and it’s something that’s always been around, sometimes we’ve turned a blind eye to the problem.”’

We know that we shouldn’t turn a blind eye:  Research shows that bullying is corrosive to children’s mental health and well-being, with consequences ranging from trouble sleeping and skipping school to psychiatric problems, such as depression or psychosis, self-harm, and suicide.

But the damage doesn’t stop there.  You can’t just close the door on these experiences, says Ellen Walser deLara, a family therapist and professor of social work at Syracuse University, who has interviewed more than 800 people age 18 to 65 about the lasting effects of bullying…”

[Continued at:  https://slate.com/technology/2016/06/the-lasting-effects-of-childhood-bullying-are-surprisingly-not-all-detrimental-in-adulthood.html ]

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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January 19, 2020 · 1:00 am

Vigilance, Part 3 – Physical Abuse

Rib fractures in an infant, secondary to child abuse, Author/Source National Institute of Health (PD as work product of US Dept. of Health and Human Service, a federal agency)

Physical abuse is the form of child abuse most frequently reported by the media and most familiar to the public.  It is, also, the form most frequently fatal.

Children can and do sustain bumps and bruises, in the course of ordinary play.  Physical abuse, however, is deliberate harm by a parent or caregiver.

An abuser may characterize physical abuse as punishment for a perceived infraction.  But such punishment is out of all proportion to the infraction, and severe beyond a child’s capacity to understand or endure it. Continue reading →

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May 27, 2018 · 1:00 am

Surviving the Fire

High Park fire, Larimer County, CO (2012), Author US Air Force, Source https://www.flickr.com/photos/usairforce/7462740970/, (PD as work of federal govt.)

Read the blogs of child abuse victims and those concerned for them.  Somewhere along the line, you will find mention of what the abuse damaged or destroyed outright.

Our innocence.  Our childhood.  Our peace of mind.  Our self-confidence.  Our self-esteem.  Our ability to trust.  Our capacity to select loving partners, and sustain healthy relationships.  Our faith.  Our voice.

And from far too many, the abuse took their very lives.

For many of us, what the abuse left behind was isolation, grief, anxiety, depression, rage, and a permanent sense of violation.

Unfortunately, that we will never be the women (or men) we might have been is not helpful information.  We are who we are…marked by these scars.

In some sense, the scars are our badges – if not of honor exactly, then certainly not of shame.  We were the ones sinned against, not the ones sinning, no matter how we were made to feel about the torture inflicted upon us.

As with the veteran who has lost a limb to war or the woman who has lost a breast to cancer, this is simply our reality now. Continue reading →

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March 18, 2018 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 2 – Guilt and Shame

Crying child, Author Asad Amjad ChangEzi (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

“ ‘If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in Me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea’ ” (Matt. 18: 6).

It is easier for children to believe they “deserve” the evil done to them, than to take in the fact an adult who should care for them actually has little or no regard for their well-being.

The Statute of Limitations and other obstacles can make it difficult to hold child abusers and molesters accountable legally.  Even with a conviction, however, the feeling of “sinfulness” may rebound from an abuser to his victims.

This in no way implies that they were at fault.  Victims, however, relive the trauma of having been treated as worthless. They are often left with a vague sense of unworthiness that can permeate their lives, and undermine subsequent relationships.

Though this feeling of their own “sinfulness” can be overwhelming to abuse victims, the conclusions they draw from it are not accurate.  Victims did not warrant or invite the abuse.  They remain deserving of love.

The feeling of “sinfulness” is just one of the scars left in the wake of abuse.  Other symptoms can include anxiety, depression, alcohol or drug addiction, eating disorders, and sexual dysfunction.  These behaviors either stem from the pain or are attempts to numb it.  All of them “punish” the victim, who was never at fault in the first place!

The symptoms of abuse may, themselves, become a cause of shame to victims.  Self-destructive behaviors shift the focus away from the abuse, while silently declaring it to the world.  Imperfect as coping mechanisms, these behaviors can have dire consequences but are, in effect, a cry for help.

Originally posted 7/7/13

Of Note:  A Vatican tribunal has found Archbishop Anthony Apuron of Guam guilty of abusing minors and removed him from office.  Apuron was suspended in June 2016 following accusations that he sexually abused altar boys as a parish priest during the 1970s.

Thus far, the Archdiocese of Guam has been named in 159 sex abuse lawsuits involving Apuron and others.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT:  https://alawyersprayers.com

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