“Violence that occurs between intimate partners does not end with the relationship’s conclusion, yet few resources exist to help survivors move beyond the betrayal of abusive relationships in order to begin new, healthy relationships.”
-“Intimate partner violence doesn’t end with the relationship”, Science Daily, 7/11/18
Some estimates are that one in three women in the United States has experienced violence by a partner, and that one in ten has been raped by a partner.
Abusive behavior by an intimate partner is not, however, limited to physical violence. It can include verbal, emotional, and financial abuse.
All this is experienced as betrayal by the very individual we most trust, the very individual we rely on to support and protect us, the very individual to whom we have committed our lives.
The shame associated with intimate partner violence is likely to carry over into new relationships. This may influence our choice of a new partner.
Once a new relationship has been established, self-esteem issues stemming from the violent relationship can color the routine problems that arise in all relationships. We may wonder whether we deserve love at all. Continue reading
It can be difficult, at the outset of a relationship, to predict whether a prospective partner will become abusive. However, there are certain danger signals which, in combination, should not be ignored. These involve embarrassment/criticism, control/manipulation, isolation, blame, threats, and violence.
Here is a list of “red flags” :
- A partner who regularly disparages your friends, family, ideas, and goals.
- A partner who deliberately embarrasses and insults you. Such a partner may humiliate you in public, or criticize you viciously in private. He or she may attack your looks or your parenting skills, as a means of undermining your confidence.
- A partner who prevents you from making decisions. This interference may, at first, be as simple as telling you what you can and cannot wear to work.
- A partner who is extremely jealous and possessive. Such a partner continually tracks where you go, whom you meet, and what you do. He or she may expect to you check in, throughout the day, and spend every moment of your free time with him/her.
- A partner with a hair-trigger temper. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace.
- A partner who takes your money or refuses to provide you necessary income for expenses.
- A partner who plays “mind games” to make you feel guilty. Such a partner may, for instance, threaten to commit suicide if you leave him or her.
- A partner who pressures you to have sex, or to engage in a type of sexual activity with which you are not comfortable.
- A partner who prevents you from using birth control.
- A partner who pressures you to use drugs or alcohol.
“It’s too late. They should have did this s__ 30 years ago.”
– R. Kelly, Facebook Live 
The Lifetime channel recently aired a documentary series called “Surviving R. Kelly” which explores the R&B singer-songwriter’s reputation for preying on young girls . The program contains statements by several of Kelly’s underage victims. The young women describe having been groomed, abused, then finally abandoned.
A number of journalists have reported on R. Kelly’s reprehensible behavior. Kelly was acquitted of child pornography, though a tape allegedly showed him having sex with and urinating on a 14 y.o.
The program sheds light not only on the singer’s pattern of predation, but the roots of this behavior. It, also, exposes the complicity of others in the music business. Continue reading