Tag Archives: unrequited love

September 6, 2026 · 1:00 am

Unrequited

“Ich Liebe Dich (I Love You) – Broken Heart”, Source https://www.flickr.com/photos/donaldjudge/52226706001/, Author Donald Judge, (Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic)

You love someone desperately.  Being around the beloved is a joy, whether the interaction is romantic or not.  You live on hope that a relationship will develop.  Only the object of your affection does not return your love, and may not even be aware of it.

Unrequited love is the experience of strong romantic feelings that go unreciprocated [1A].  

This one-sided affection leads to intense sadness, feelings of rejection, and emotional exhaustion – not surprising, since the brain processes romantic rejection similarly to physical pain [2A].

Roots of Unrequited Love

The victims of childhood abuse or neglect may be particularly vulnerable to unrequited love [3A][4A].

Abuse (whether emotional, physical, or sexual) and neglect leave us with the haunting feeling that we are damaged and unworthy of love.  We idealize love, and are happy with the smallest crumbs of affection.

Attachment Styles

As a result, some of us develop an “avoidant” attachment style.  Unconsciously, we pursue emotionally distant partners. 

This allows us the illusion of a relationship with all its emotional highs and lows while, at the same time, preserving our control, letting us avoid vulnerability, and reinforcing our belief that we are unlovable [1B][3B]. 

In a genuine relationship, our flaws would be visible.  The prospect of that is too frightening.

Others develop an “anxious” or needy attachment style.  We may fixate on unavailable partners, but interpret unresponsiveness as a challenge to win affection [1C][3C][7].  We simply try harder. 

This keeps us attached to narcissists who dole out affection with an eye dropper [3D]. In fact, we seek out partners that make us feel needed (ignoring the red flags that should send us running for safety).

The approach can, also, undermine healthy relationships.  Any slight by a partner is immediately interpreted as a lack of concern or outright abandonment.  No reassurance is sufficient, and the relationship eventually fails.

Impact of Unrequited Love

Unreciprocated affection can lower our self-esteem, causing us to question our desirability and value [1D][4B].  We replay conversations and events endlessly, in the fruitless search for clues to securing the love we so desire [2B].

Over time, unrequited love can lead to negative self-talk, self-doubt, and even depression [5A].  It may, also, impede forming meaningful connections with available partners [6A].  We may not even recognize that they are there.

Link to Obsession

As mentioned, childhood abuse or neglect can manifest as the maladaptive attempt to regulate our fear of abandonment and sense of unworthiness by clinging to a disinterested romantic partner [7].  The degree to which we cling to the illusion of a relationship actually reflects the emptiness inside us.

Anger and resentment can, also, emerge when our admiration for the beloved is frustrated [2C].

This is the emotional turmoil that is obsession.

Healing from Unrequited Love

Recovering from unrequited love is definitely possible.  Distance from the beloved can be a major step in the direction of healing [3E][5B][6B].  This should be coupled with self-care, and supportive relationships.  Professional counseling can help us gain perspective.

Our challenge is to exchange idealization for a realistic understanding of love.  Neither we nor our partner will ever be perfect.  We do not have to be to deserve love.

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[1A through 1D]  Science News Today, “Unrequited Love:  The Science, Psychology, and Human Experience of Loving Without Return”, 11/4/25, https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/unrequited-love-the-science-psychology-and-human-experience-of-loving-without-return.

[2A, 2B, and 2C]  PsyCix, “The Psychological Effects of Unrequited Love”, 11/24/25, https://www.psycix.com/article/the-psychological-effects-of-unrequited-love.

[3A through 3E]  PsychCentral, “How Childhood Emotional Neglect Impacts Adult Relationships and How to Heal” by Hope Gillette, 7/13/22, https://psychcentral.com/relationships/childhood-emotional-neglect-romantic-relationships.

[4A and 4B]  Brainz Magazine, “Why Childhood Sexual Abuse Could Be Affecting Your Love Life Now” by Sandra Cohen PhD, 2/19/25, https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/why-childhood-sexual-abuse-could-be-affecting-your-love-life-now.

[5A and 5B]  Marriage, “7 Possible Effects of Unrequited Love & What You Can Do” by Dylan Banks, 3/25/26, https://www.marriage.com/advice/self-love/effects-of-unrequited-love/.

[6A and 6B]  Psychreg, “Unrequited Love Can Harm Your Mental Health But There Are Ways to Heal” by Dino Relojo, 11/7/25, https://www.psychreg.org/unrequited-love-can-harm-your-mental-health-but-there-are-ways-heal/.

[7]  Psychology Today, “How Childhood Neglect Can Turn Love into Obsession” by Annie Tanasugarn, 12/24/25, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202512/how-childhood-neglect-can-turn-love-into-obsession.

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December 15, 2024 · 1:00 am

The Rose Garden, Chapter 18 – Love and Loss

File:Venice Carnival - Masked Lovers (2010).jpg

Venice Carnival – Masked Lovers, Source https://flickr.com, Author Frank Kovalchek, Anchorage, AK, (Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds” (Ps. 147: 3).

The hotel clock reads 4:30 AM.  I can see from the bed that it is still dark outside.  Unable to sleep, unable to bear the thought of spending another day in Los Angeles, I pick up the phone and reschedule my flight. 

That done, I move around the room, gathering and throwing things carelessly into my bag.  I walk over to the closet, stare briefly at the blue silk dress I had hoped to wear on Mulholland Drive, but decide to leave to it behind.  

Downstairs in the rental car, I head on unfamiliar freeways to the airport.  The trip is a blur.  I veer sharply to the right, across two lanes, to make my exit.  Horns blare. 

Once on the plane, I stare blindly forward.  My chest heaving, I begin to sob.

I have been fortunate in both male and female friends, but have loved three men deeply in my life.  Whether lanky, wiry, or muscular, all three were men of integrity and high intelligence.  All three were incapable of commitment, at least to me.

All three were lawyers, heaven help me.

How does the heart choose?  We seek out what we have known, try as we may not to do this.  The choice (unconscious though it may be) is an attempt to correct for past mistakes, to erase the scars.

I sought out emotionally elusive men — men unable to love me.  As a result, love caused me far more grief than joy.  What kept me in the relationships was not that these men loved me, but that they might.  I was familiar — in a sense comfortable —  with being loved only marginally.

The other characteristics I selected for were kindness and a history of suffering.  I wanted to ease pain, but justified behavior toward myself other women would not have tolerated.  I never considered whether I deserved a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Both sexual abuse and codependence played a role in this.

I settled for little, believing I deserved less.  In fact, I did not see myself as deserving of love at all.  I simply assumed a normal, stable man would reject me; would be unable either to understand or put up with my pain.

My hope, my unspoken prayer, was that someone capable of kindness and with his own knowledge of loss might be better equipped.

It was to such men I was drawn.  One lost his father early to serious illness.  Another suffered at the hands of a cold and critical mother.  The last was abandoned by his father following divorce.

The problem with my approach was that I sought out men as wounded as myself.  Though not worth any less, those deeply wounded early in life may find it difficult to love or be loved.

There is too much risk involved in revealing the true self.  Instead, they repeat unhealthy patterns, and inflict damage of their own.

Certainly I did.  As an example, at a college concert my sister had looked forward to attending with me, I opted to sit near the object of my affection and his date, rather than with my sister.  That verges on masochism.  Yet, had he told me he loved me, my own love would likely have evaporated.

My sister remained steadfast.  I remember standing in the front hall, nervously checking my reflection before heading out for the evening.  “You look beautiful,” my sister said.  “If he doesn’t love you, he’s an idiot.”

Though I cannot say with any certainty, I suspect now that two of the men I loved may, themselves, have been victims of emotional or covert incest.

Fear of intimacy can be well-founded.  Those of us who suffer from it seek out difficult or impossible relationships.  Normalcy is perceived as boring; intimacy, as suffocation.

The goal of healing the beloved can become the justification for our existence.  Paradoxically, the beloved is chosen for his or her inability to heal.  It is the resulting tension that constitutes the real glue of the relationship.

“You have a wonderfully feminine quality.” “I love your body.  It’s so responsive.” “Any man in his right mind would want you.”  All lies men tell women.  All lies I have cherished.

When our relationship ended, I packed and shipped for safekeeping to a friend the emails one man and I had exchanged.  Though the dream had died, I could not bear to part entirely with the words. Continue reading →

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February 19, 2017 · 1:00 am

Lovelorn, Part 2

A single red tea rose, Author Brandy Cross (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

A single red tea rose, Author Brandy Cross (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

No child is morally culpable for having been sexually violated.

Tragically, child abuse can have a significant impact on sexual identity (the gender with which victims identify), sexual orientation (the gender to which victims are attracted), and sexuality (victims’ capacity for sexual feelings).

Unfortunately, whether out of modesty or embarrassment, Christians may find it difficult to discuss sex.  This difficulty is compounded for abuse victims.

Sexual Identity/Sexual Orientation

That the trauma of child molestation can impact sexual identity and sexual orientation makes intuitive sense.

As children, we can do little to vent the confusion, fear, shame, and rage abuse causes us.  At a deep level, we either adopt the manner and attitudes of our abuser or reject them.  The decision is not an intellectual one.  It is a matter of survival [1].

This is not to suggest that all victims of childhood sexual abuse are impacted sexually.  Nor is it to suggest that child molestation is the only factor impacting sex and sexuality.

Sexual Addiction (Pornography)

The victims of childhood sexual abuse tend to take one of two paths:  sexual addiction or sexual aversion.  Again, this is a generalization only.  Each individual is unique.

An interest in sex is, by itself, normal and healthy.  Sexual addiction is, by contrast, a compulsion to engage in sex.

In the context of abuse, sexual addiction is a desperate search for love and value, often confused with lax morals.  It is the futile attempt to fill a gaping emptiness inside with substitutes for intimacy.

However – and this is important – sexual addiction can, also, result from bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or borderline personality disorder.

There is a distinction between sexual addiction and pornography addiction [2].  Sex addicts crave partners; pornography addicts can satisfy their urges without a partner (for example, by using an x-rated video).  Sex addicts are more likely to be social; pornography addicts, more likely to be reclusive.

Pornography addicts may prefer the glossy perfection of an unresponsive image to the reality of a responsive partner.  Live partners require time and attention.  Centerfolds do not.  Live partners are flawed, and likely to discover the flaws in the addict.  With a video or magazine, the pornography addict is not confronted by his/her own shortcomings.  Continue reading →

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