Tag Archives: self-care

September 6, 2026 · 1:00 am

Unrequited

“Ich Liebe Dich (I Love You) – Broken Heart”, Source https://www.flickr.com/photos/donaldjudge/52226706001/, Author Donald Judge, (Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic)

You love someone desperately.  Being around the beloved is a joy, whether the interaction is romantic or not.  You live on hope that a relationship will develop.  Only the object of your affection does not return your love, and may not even be aware of it.

Unrequited love is the experience of strong romantic feelings that go unreciprocated [1A].  

This one-sided affection leads to intense sadness, feelings of rejection, and emotional exhaustion – not surprising, since the brain processes romantic rejection similarly to physical pain [2A].

Roots of Unrequited Love

The victims of childhood abuse or neglect may be particularly vulnerable to unrequited love [3A][4A].

Abuse (whether emotional, physical, or sexual) and neglect leave us with the haunting feeling that we are damaged and unworthy of love.  We idealize love, and are happy with the smallest crumbs of affection.

Attachment Styles

As a result, some of us develop an “avoidant” attachment style.  Unconsciously, we pursue emotionally distant partners. 

This allows us the illusion of a relationship with all its emotional highs and lows while, at the same time, preserving our control, letting us avoid vulnerability, and reinforcing our belief that we are unlovable [1B][3B]. 

In a genuine relationship, our flaws would be visible.  The prospect of that is too frightening.

Others develop an “anxious” or needy attachment style.  We may fixate on unavailable partners, but interpret unresponsiveness as a challenge to win affection [1C][3C][7].  We simply try harder. 

This keeps us attached to narcissists who dole out affection with an eye dropper [3D]. In fact, we seek out partners that make us feel needed (ignoring the red flags that should send us running for safety).

The approach can, also, undermine healthy relationships.  Any slight by a partner is immediately interpreted as a lack of concern or outright abandonment.  No reassurance is sufficient, and the relationship eventually fails.

Impact of Unrequited Love

Unreciprocated affection can lower our self-esteem, causing us to question our desirability and value [1D][4B].  We replay conversations and events endlessly, in the fruitless search for clues to securing the love we so desire [2B].

Over time, unrequited love can lead to negative self-talk, self-doubt, and even depression [5A].  It may, also, impede forming meaningful connections with available partners [6A].  We may not even recognize that they are there.

Link to Obsession

As mentioned, childhood abuse or neglect can manifest as the maladaptive attempt to regulate our fear of abandonment and sense of unworthiness by clinging to a disinterested romantic partner [7].  The degree to which we cling to the illusion of a relationship actually reflects the emptiness inside us.

Anger and resentment can, also, emerge when our admiration for the beloved is frustrated [2C].

This is the emotional turmoil that is obsession.

Healing from Unrequited Love

Recovering from unrequited love is definitely possible.  Distance from the beloved can be a major step in the direction of healing [3E][5B][6B].  This should be coupled with self-care, and supportive relationships.  Professional counseling can help us gain perspective.

Our challenge is to exchange idealization for a realistic understanding of love.  Neither we nor our partner will ever be perfect.  We do not have to be to deserve love.

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[1A through 1D]  Science News Today, “Unrequited Love:  The Science, Psychology, and Human Experience of Loving Without Return”, 11/4/25, https://www.sciencenewstoday.org/unrequited-love-the-science-psychology-and-human-experience-of-loving-without-return.

[2A, 2B, and 2C]  PsyCix, “The Psychological Effects of Unrequited Love”, 11/24/25, https://www.psycix.com/article/the-psychological-effects-of-unrequited-love.

[3A through 3E]  PsychCentral, “How Childhood Emotional Neglect Impacts Adult Relationships and How to Heal” by Hope Gillette, 7/13/22, https://psychcentral.com/relationships/childhood-emotional-neglect-romantic-relationships.

[4A and 4B]  Brainz Magazine, “Why Childhood Sexual Abuse Could Be Affecting Your Love Life Now” by Sandra Cohen PhD, 2/19/25, https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/why-childhood-sexual-abuse-could-be-affecting-your-love-life-now.

[5A and 5B]  Marriage, “7 Possible Effects of Unrequited Love & What You Can Do” by Dylan Banks, 3/25/26, https://www.marriage.com/advice/self-love/effects-of-unrequited-love/.

[6A and 6B]  Psychreg, “Unrequited Love Can Harm Your Mental Health But There Are Ways to Heal” by Dino Relojo, 11/7/25, https://www.psychreg.org/unrequited-love-can-harm-your-mental-health-but-there-are-ways-heal/.

[7]  Psychology Today, “How Childhood Neglect Can Turn Love into Obsession” by Annie Tanasugarn, 12/24/25, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202512/how-childhood-neglect-can-turn-love-into-obsession.

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July 21, 2024 · 1:00 am

Surviving Child Abuse, Part 2 – Coping Strategies

File:Arizona Wildflowers (47287023152).jpg

Wildflowers, Peridot Mesa, AZ, Source Arizona Wildflowers, Author Alan Stark of Goodyear, AZ (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

“Denying or shutting down feelings — emotions, pains, etc. — usually blocks people’s energy or blinds them to important warnings [1].”

The instinctive coping mechanisms for child abuse are repression, denial, and dissociation [2].  These survival mechanisms protect us against the painful truth of the abuse, but tend to maintain the abuse secret.   They are, in the long run, maladaptive.

Therapy, Loving Friends, Self-Care, and Stress Reduction

While there is no single approach proven to be universally successful, there are helpful coping strategies for dealing with the long-term effects of childhood abuse [3A][4A].

These include cognitive behavioral therapy; the support of loving friends and family members; a healthy daily routine of self-care; and stress reduction activities like mindfulness, exercise, and prayer [3B][4B][5][6A].

Supportive and trusting relationships allow us to explore and express our feelings in a safe setting.

Medication can, at times, be useful, as well.

Creativity (Self-Expression)

Creativity is another outlet for expressing our feelings .  We may blog or keep a journal, snap photos, take up amateur dramatics, draw, paint, sculpt, learn to throw pottery or arrange flowers [7][8].  It makes no difference.

Nor does it make a difference whether our efforts meet some ideal standard or not.  The act of self-expression can help us expel the poison and reclaim our joy.

Music

Music touches the soul in ways that words alone cannot [9].  We can experience the positive effect music has whether we compose, play an instrument, dance, sing, or simply listen to music.

Continue reading →

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February 18, 2024 · 1:00 am

Compassion and Contempt

File:Compassion holding hands.jpg

Image by U3190523 (CC BY-SA International)

Those of us who somehow managed to survive childhood abuse and/or domestic violence may actually have contempt for our fellow survivors.

Why is this?  Certainly, compassion would seem more natural.  After all, we know the pain of those who shared the same experience.

The answer is surprisingly simple.  We project onto others the contempt we feel for ourselves.

Weakness

They were weak, at least we think they were.  We do not want to be associated with weakness.  That might imply we were once weak, too.

It would dredge up the fear and vulnerability — the trauma — of childhood abuse or domestic violence.  It might imply that we were powerless in the face of abuse or domestic violence.  That knowledge is too distressing for us.  Better to hold others in contempt.

That we still have such intense feelings suggests we have not fully come to terms with our experience. Continue reading →

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