Category Archives: Neglect

March 16, 2014 · 1:00 am

Overcoming the World, Part 1 – Fame and Systemic Abuse

What a world it has become.  Headlines scream off the page at us:

Parents Arrested After Allegedly Forcing Girl, 5, to OD on Soda [1].

Doctor convicted of endangering stepdaughter in “waterboarding” Trial[2].

Couple Arrested for Enslaving Teen Girl[3].

FAME

Certainly, fame and affluence do not assure the safety of children.  Melvin Morse – the doctor mentioned above – had appeared on “Oprah” and “Good Morning America”. Fame may, in fact, foster a sense of entitlement on the part of some predators. They come to believe the prohibition against abuse is for lesser mortals.

And fame seems to provide an exemption of sorts from basic standards of morality.

Woody Allen’s adopted daughter, Dylan Farrow, continues to maintain that the filmmaker sexually assaulted her, some two decades ago [4]. Allen was never prosecuted [5A] [5B].

Woody Allen, you may remember, was, also, involved sexually with Soon-Yi Previn, 35 years his junior. Soon-Yi (whom Allen later married) was another adopted daughter of Mia Farrow, a woman with whom Allen had a longterm relationship. Allen has been quoted as saying, “What was the scandal?…There was no scandal…” [6].

Overseas, BBC star Jimmy Savile was repeatedly investigated, but never prosecuted either. Only after his death was it revealed that Savile had abused a staggering 400 children or more, often while they were hospital patients [7].  The possibility of a wider British pedophile ring with influential members protected from prosecution is still being explored.

The California trial of ex-football player Darren Sharper for rape should be instructive. Sharper is under investigation for a total of seven rapes in four states [8]. Assuming the allegations against him to be true, Sharper felt no compunction about drugging women in order to have sex with them.

SYSTEMIC ABUSE

Systemic abuse may be even more appalling. The public is by now familiar with the Catholic Church sex scandal. In “Secrets of the Vatican,” the investigative program, Frontline, recently exposed the culture of corruption which allowed sexual perversion to flourish [9]. But the Catholic Church is not alone in this.

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March 9, 2014 · 1:00 am

In Esther’s Shoes

“ ‘For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise… from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?’ ” (Esther 4: 14).

The historic events on which this passage from Scripture is based exemplify courage for me. The verses have been an inspiration, over the years, helping me to overcome real and imagined shortcomings.

Esther, you may remember, was a young Jewish woman selected to marry Persian King Xerxes. When an order for the destruction of the Jews came down, Esther was urged by her cousin Mordecai to ask the king that it be rescinded. Though fearing for her life, Esther did speak out. Her intervention saved the Jewish people [1].

As child abuse victims we were powerless. Even as adults, we cannot help but recall the traumatic experiences we were forced to endure.  That fear is, in some sense, still with us.

Rather than a mark of shame, however, the scar is a mark of courage. At our most vulnerable, we somehow survived. That is an enormous achievement.

We stand today in Esther’s shoes.  We have the right to speak out; the right to tell our story, even shout it from the rooftops, if we like.  Secrecy be damned.

We have the right to take back our lives.
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[1] Purim, the holiday celebrating Esther’s courage and the triumph of her people, falls on March 14 this year.

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February 16, 2014 · 1:00 am

Grace

“Do not be discouraged. You…[may] not have the power to relieve yourself of sorrow or grief or pain. But Our Lord did [have that power] on the Cross. He could have turned the crown of thorns into a garland of rosebuds…He was tempted to shorten His agony, as those at the foot of the Cross taunted [Him]…But He did not come down. It is human to come down, but it is divine to hang there.”

Our Grounds for Hope, Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

Jesus suffered and died to restore the relationship between God and man for us, a relationship sin in its many forms had fractured [1].  His sacrifice bought our freedom from sin. We can throw those shackles down.

But believing ourselves included in Jesus’ work on the cross can be a special challenge for the victims of abuse.  Often, we mistakenly take on the abuser’s guilt – feeling “unworthy” of Salvation, as if we had somehow brought on the molestation or “deserved” the abuse.

Many of us are prone to workaholism.  We strive past the point of exhaustion, in the belief our best efforts would not suffice.  It never occurs to us that Salvation might not be dependent on our efforts, but rather Christ’s.

“For if by the one man’s offense death reigned…much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ” (Romans 5: 17).

There is no qualification standard for Salvation in Christ.  He meets us where we are, even if we are broken and lost.  It was for the broken and lost He came.

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[1] This is not, in any way, to suggest that the victims of child abuse sinned by the abuse.

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February 9, 2014 · 1:00 am

View from the Crater

Satellite view of Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico, Author NASA (PD)

Beneath the foliage of the Yucatan peninsula and the waters of the Gulf of Mexico lies an ancient impact crater. Scientists believe this is the site where a meteor the size of Mt. Everest struck the earth, resulting in extinction of the dinosaurs.  Sixty-five million years later, geologic evidence for that impact is still present.

It is not uncommon for abuse victims to view abuse as the central event in their lives, and to define themselves with reference to it.

As with the Chicxulub crater, evidence of the abuse is still present years later.  Forever after, that destructive event (or series of events) will be the dividing line in victims’ lives: pre-abuse and post-abuse, the difference between innocence and innocence lost.

All too many women and children will die, as a result of abuse – some at the hands of a loved one, some by their own hand, years after the abuse has technically “ended”. Those who survive the trauma are likely to suffer from permanent physical and psychological symptoms, impacting all aspects of their lives.

There is nothing positive to be said about abuse.  Because of its very magnitude, however, survivors may find that abuse serves as a kind of standard against which other events can be measured.  What are office politics, by comparison? What are parking tickets, canceled flights, lost luggage, even stolen vehicles (so long as they do not generate more abuse)?

In a sense, we can draw strength from our bitter experience.  The abuse provides a unique perspective which puts many lesser things in their place. We have lived through a meteor strike.  What are mere hurricanes to us?

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January 17, 2014 · 1:00 am

Adornment and the Heart

Locket, Author Sterilgutassistentin (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward – arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel – rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God” (1 Pet. 3: 3-4).

Body image is a complicated issue for child abuse victims.

Disregard for and “separation” from the body is not uncommon among victims.  This is symptomatic of grief and an attempt to distance oneself from the violation.  It may be coupled with the inability to have sex, an attempt to restore innocence and avoid further violation.

The world’s superficial values regarding beauty can reinforce the poor body image from which abuse victims frequently suffer.  Damaged – in our own eyes at least – we often doubt ourselves to be deserving of love, sometimes living out a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The alternate approach is sexual promiscuity, an attempt to regain sovereignty over one’s body and a desperate plea for love.  Elizabeth Taylor delivered a powerful performance illustrating this approach in the movie Butterfield 8.  A large number of women in the sex trade were, in fact, victimized as children.

God’s love does not require that we somehow reinstate stolen innocence.  His love is freely given to all who will invite Him into their hearts – no adornment necessary.

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October 20, 2013 · 1:00 am

Normal

Whatever our life experience, nearly all of us wonder at some time or other whether we are normal.  Those of us bearing the physical and emotional scars of child abuse or domestic violence are especially sensitive on this topic.  We feel responsible for the scars, as if they were somehow character flaws.

The term “normal” suggests that differences from average are defects, even the scars resulting from trauma.  In reality, “normal” covers an enormously wide range of behavior, differing from culture to culture, and age to age.

Chances are that all the following would view themselves as normal:  polygamists, monks, strippers, con men, psychics, lion tamers, astrologers, tattoo artists, arms dealers, cave divers, UFO enthusiasts, and Wall Street bankers.

We have different tolerances for risk from one another. We have different appetites from one another. We have different aptitudes and interests from one another.  And we adhere to different moral standards from one another.

The test for hospital release is posing no reasonably foreseeable risk of harm to self or others.  A more relevant inquiry for abuse victims might be whether a particular behavior is effective for achieving their intended goals or not.

If it is done or conceived of by humans, it is human.  Not necessarily laudable or even legal, but human.

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August 18, 2013 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 6 – Restoring the Relationship with God

The abuse experience can warp the lens through which victims see themselves and the world. It skews even their view of God, since He – perhaps more so than the predator – is blamed for the abuse. Abuse victims must be permitted to vent the full range of emotions elicited by the violation, if their faith in God and relationship with Him are to be restored.

God’s continuing love for abuse victims is more powerful than any symptoms or shame. This does not necessarily mean that the scars of abuse will be erased. Victims are likely to need frequent reminders, both of God’s love and His mercy.

“He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103: 10-12).

” ‘Come now, let us reason together,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool’ “  (Isaiah 1: 18).

” ‘I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for My own sake, and remembers your sins no more’ ”  (Isaiah 43: 25).

Victims might ask themselves whether they would judge another exploited child by the same harsh standards they have applied to themselves; whether the thoughts and behaviors they now characterize as defective on their part would have occurred at all, if they had not been abused.

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August 11, 2013 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 5 – Forgiveness

From a human perspective, it is inconceivable that abuse victims would consider forgiving so grievous a violation as abuse. Only with God’s intervention can abuse victims hope to forgive the perpetrator, and successfully move on with their lives.

Forgiveness begins with a decision to put the violation in the past. It may be necessary to re-address forgiveness as life events bring other areas of unforgiveness to the survivor’s awareness.  This does not mean that the victim should be placed again in harm’s way.

Forgiveness cannot be forced (and does not preclude criminal prosecution). But without it, victims run the risk of being consumed by bitterness. God wants more for them than that.

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July 28, 2013 · 1:00 am

Monster

A monster pled guilty to his despicable acts in open court this week.

To avoid the death penalty, Ariel Castro – the man who held three young women in Cleveland captive for 10 years, who brutally beat, raped, and starved them, killing one of his children in the womb – pled guilty to 977 counts.  Castro was sentenced to life in prison plus 1000 years.  The plea deal spares the women from testifying at trial.

Castro attempted to lay the blame for a decade of voluntary, heinous acts on supposed sexual abuse in his own past and an addiction to pornography.  This was nothing less than slander against the many child abuse survivors who would give their lives rather than harm a child.

According to Childhelp[i], about 30% of child abuse and neglect victims abuse or neglect their children.  This tragic figure tends to mask the fact that 70% of victims do not abuse or neglect their children.

Evil is, in other words, a result of choice.

The Abel study of non-incarcerated sex offenders (those offending against both child and adult victims) found individuals from every walk of life, and all levels of education; 80% between the ages 20 – 49; 53% married, formerly married, or at some point in a partner relationship; and the majority employed[ii].  In some 59% of cases, intense interest in sex with a non-consenting person (child or adult) began in adolescence[iii]  apparently without a trigger.

In studies of juvenile sex offenders, Johnson and Schreir reported prior physical or sexual abuse by 66%; Longo reported prior abuse by 47%[iv].  To the extent these figures are accurate, they suggest 34% – 53% of juvenile sex offenders were never themselves abused.

Admittedly, many factors influence our choices.  But the choices remain in our control.  Monsters make themselves.

[i] Childhelp, National Child Abuse Statistics, http://www.childhelp-usa.com/pages/statistics.

[ii] The Future of Children, Judith V. Becker, PhD, Princeton University http://www.princeton.edu/futureofchildren/publications/docs/04_02_09.pdf.

[iii] As above.

[iv] As above.

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July 21, 2013 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 4 – Scriptural Consolation

While abuse victims have not sinned, it can be helpful for them to recall that God encourages even sinners. He sent His Son to save, not condemn us.

“For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved. He that believeth on Him is not condemned…” (John 3: 17-18).

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” (Romans 8: 1).

It is the adversary who condemns the saints, his goal being to paralyze them. It is his voice that victims hear when the darkness presses in on them, not God’s.  But the adversary is a liar.  Lies are his stock in trade.  Abuse victims are the more vulnerable, since early in life they did not receive the nurturing that God intended.

“And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, ‘Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony…’ ” (Revelation 12: 10-11).

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