You work for someone vain, self-centered, and vindictive. Someone who knows less about the job than you do. You put in longer hours than he/she does, but his/her name is the one on the door. You do the work, but he/she gets the credit. You can’t remember the last time you received a raise. And still you keep trying to please.
Sound familiar? A recent study indicates that the American workplace is “grueling, stressful and surprisingly hostile” [1].
We may view our work as a calling, enjoy our chosen field, and meet some wonderful people in that field. Or, depending on the economy and our particular situation, we may not have much choice as to our job [2].
But we stay at some jobs far longer than we should, a fact which can negatively impact our confidence, our self-esteem, our relationships, and our health. Why? An abusive childhood can be a contributing factor.
Abuse can impact not only our personal, but professional lives. There are many reasons victims tolerate abusive work environments and dysfunctional bosses.
Abusive Management Style
Does your boss manage at the top of his/her lungs? Does he/she rant and rave over the least mistake…sometimes over no mistake at all? Is scathing sarcasm his/her favorite style of communication?
Just as parents, spouses, and lovers may be bullies, narcissists, paranoiacs, or other abusive personalities, so too can bosses [3].
No Limits
Even work that is intellectually challenging and emotionally engaging can by physically draining. In an ideal world, we would not have to choose between inspiring work and livable working conditions. But ours is not, unfortunately, an ideal world.
As abuse victims, we set no limits for ourselves, exceeding all reasonable expectations. We take work home nights, to the shore with us on weekends, and away on vacation. There are always more files, more cases, more projects. Paperwork has a permanent place on the dining room table, and the nightstand beside our bed.
That fact facilitates avoidance. We have no time for a personal life. The endless hours we spend at the job, and the emotional investment – the very problems at work – serve to keep personal issues at bay.
The lack of limits, also, feels familiar. We were raised in a setting where love required self-sacrifice to the point of self-destruction. Reasonable boundaries were not allowed during childhood. So we do not recognize them (and do not establish them) as adults.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism can play a role, as well. Victims may strive to achieve unattainable levels of perfection. That we fail demonstrates, again and again, to us what we mistakenly assume is our inherent “deficiency”. In effect, we are compelled to re-enact the emotional experience of our childhood. Continue reading →
A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse and More 