Category Archives: Emotional Abuse

February 12, 2017 · 1:00 am

Lovelorn, Part 1

Chocolate box (

Chocolate box (“OK, not exactly the gift…”), Author Chrys Omori (CC BY-2.0 Generic)

Society glorifies romantic love, but is rather harsh toward those who do not succeed at it.  The lonely.  The heartbroken.  Unfortunately, many abuse victims fall into this category.  Strangers to real love, we tend to stumble in our pursuit of it.

There used to be advice columns for the lovelorn.  Miss Lonelyhearts – a Depression era novel by Nathanael West about such a column – has been the basis for several movies, an opera, and a Broadway play.

There is still a great deal of poetry written about lost love.  Just Google the topic.

These days, anonymous sex and hard core pornography are readily available.  Craigslist has discontinued its infamous “adult” section.  But ads for prostitution (included among them ads trafficking children) can easily be found online [1].

While pornography and anonymous sex reflect on the decadence and dehumanization of our society, they offer no real solution for problems of the heart.

Relationships – challenging enough for non-victims – can be a minefield for abuse victims.  This is an overview of the problems victims may encounter with relationships and intimacy.

Boundaries

Having been repeatedly violated, we are likely to have difficulty with boundaries.  We are either wholly without defenses or guarded by high walls.

The first (a total absence of screening, since our childhood boundaries were so often ignored) allows others to take advantage of us easily.  The second (over-compensation, in an effort to protect ourselves from further violation) makes it hard for anyone to approach us.

Trust Issues

Consistency and faithfulness were not modeled for us.  We, therefore, expect betrayal; see enemies where there are none.  This can result in needless insecurity, jealousy where there is no cause.

Even the most loving partner will tire of proving his/her devotion in the face of repeated, groundless accusations.

But accusations need not be limited to infidelity.  We may experience innocent statements as hurtful or insulting; may strike out at a partner who is at a loss to understand what s/he has done wrong.  We, in turn, may be at a loss to explain.

Control Issues/Violence

Of course, there are individuals who are genuinely controlling.  Abuse victims may, unconsciously, select for partners like this – responding to what is familiar to us from our families of origin. Continue reading →

26 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Christianity, domestic abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Prostitution, Rape, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Violence Against Women

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

February 5, 2017 · 1:00 am

Fighting Demons

Pittsburgh Steelers v. New England Patriots (2005) (CC BY-SA 3.0 Gen)

Pittsburgh Steelers v. New England Patriots at Heinz Field (2005), Author Bernard Gagnon (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

Fighting the demons of anxiety, depression, and PTSD or trauma-related addictions and eating disorders is a little like playing football [1][2].  We make headway then lose ground.  But the fight never really ends, not the way a game of football does.  There is no score.

We win by surviving another day.

Across Decades

It can be enormously discouraging to wrestle with the scars of abuse, sexual assault, or other trauma, decade in and decade out.  Surely, we must after all this time have made progress.

But progress is not linear.  Despite the passage of time, and an extensive list of medications – not to mention therapy – familiar demons can resurface.

Factors Impacting Our Success

So, are anxiety, depression, and PTSD or trauma-related behaviors ever really “conquered”?  Can they, at least, be fought to a standstill?  The answer depends.

The factors include the length and severity of the trauma we sustained; our particular genetics; the quality and extent of our medical treatment; our psychological and spiritual resources; the emotional support we have available; and the other stressors to which we are subjected.

None of these can be quantified.  Most such demons can and do vary over the course of a lifetime.

The Struggle

Why not just throw in the towel (to mix sports metaphors)?  After all, the struggle is exhausting.  The struggle, however, is life. Continue reading →

16 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Justice, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Poverty, Rape, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Sports, Violence Against Women

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

January 29, 2017 · 1:00 am

Blue on Blue, Part 2 – Despair

This is a highly personal post.  Like most abuse victims and many depression sufferers, I am well familiar with despair.  Having been grievously wounded, we cannot help but wonder whether God has turned His back on us, whether He exists at all.

There are Christian denominations which view despair as sinful.  Not all Church Fathers (influential early theologians) would, however, agree [1].  Neither do I, for that matter.  This post was written to demonstrate that the despair abuse victims experience is NOT sinful, even from that strict perspective.

“Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord; Lord, hear my voice!” (Ps. 130: 1-2).

Depression sufferers often face condemnation from their well-meaning Christian friends.  Such condemnation is misplaced.  Depression should not be confused with despair.   And for despair to be considered “sinful”, certain conditions must be met.

Depression v. Despair

Depression can arise despite our circumstances.  Despair stems from our circumstances.  Depression is the manifestation of a medical condition.  Despair is the spiritual conclusion we draw about an eternal reality.

Both will make us unhappy.  Only despair, however, can be seen as “sin” [2].

Despair as “Sin”

When we despair – as most of us use the term today – we view our suffering as pointless, and God as powerless (or uninterested) to intervene.  This is situational despair.

For our hopelessness to qualify as “sinful”, we must have a genuine understanding of God; must be above the age of reason; must be in sound mind; and — in the strictest sense — must despair not about our circumstances, but about our Salvation.

Abuse victims (and depression sufferers) simply do not satisfy these conditions.

Judas and Suicide

Judas Iscariot’s suicide is often put forward as the classic act of despair.  The apostles had daily close contact with Christ.  Judas had experienced firsthand Christ’s infinite holiness, infinite power, and infinite love.

All these Judas is said to have rejected by his self-destructive act [3][4].  Judas viewed his betrayal of Christ as so heinous it was beyond God’s capacity to forgive.  He despaired, in other words, of his Salvation.

Abuse Contrasted

By contrast, the child who is daily abused and gives up hope is not guilty of the sin of despair.  For one thing, the child may not yet have reached the age of reason.  S/he may not, therefore, be capable of forming the necessary intent.

For another thing, a child who is abused is likely to have little or no understanding of God’s true nature.   S/he has no reason to believe in a just and loving God, so cannot be penalized for the failure to trust Him.  At worst, the child rejects a flawed image of God based on tragic experience with a hostile and painful world.

As important, the abused child despairs of his/her situation (not his/her eternal Salvation).  Hell is here and now.  If anything, unfounded accusations – in reality, out and out lies – about the child’s responsibility for the abuse and overall lack of worth may make death appear inviting.

Depression and the Will

Finally, adult or child, our capacity to sin is reduced when our will is compromised as, for instance, by the brain chemistry associated with depression.

God is hardly likely to condemn us for the sins committed against us, or the scars stemming from them.  That, at least, is the opinion of this lawyer.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 15: 13).

—

[1]  Augustine believed that despair was not a sin.  Thomas Aquinas argued the point, seeing despair as a variant of pride.  Aquinas, however, distinguished hopelessness about our Salvation from hopelessness about our situation.  He explained that a physician might despair of curing a patient without committing sin.  Aquinas conceded that God could forgive despair, by way of a miracle.

[2]  It should be emphasized that not all Christian denominations view despair as equally sinful.  Unlike Catholics, Presbyterians and Baptists reject outright the concept of “mortal” sin, i.e. sin so serious it has the potential to cost us our Salvation.

[3]  Suicide has frequently been described as the “unpardonable” sin (Matt. 12: 31-32).  This though is an error.  According to Scripture, it is speaking against the Holy Spirit which will not be forgiven.  Since the Holy Spirit descended in the form of a dove when Christ’s divinity was revealed (Matt. 3: 16-17), the consensus now seems to be that the unpardonable sin actually signifies rejection of Christ’s offer of Salvation.

[4]  Even those who never publicly acknowledge Christ as their Savior may accept Him in their hearts, during their final moments.  “But do not forget this one thing dear friends:  With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day” (2 Peter 3: 8).

ANYONE WITH THOUGHTS OF VIOLENCE OR SELF-HARM SHOULD SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

27 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Rape, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Violence Against Women

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

January 22, 2017 · 1:00 am

Blue on Blue, Part 1 – Depression

Feeding time in the fish tank, KLCC Aquaria, Malaysia, Author SAM Cheong, Source http://www.flickr.com/photos/41234325@N06/5174061688 (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

Feeding time in the fish tank, KLCC Aquaria, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Author SAM Cheong, Source flickr.com (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

“Blue on blue, heartache on heartache
Blue on blue now that we are through…
Now the trees are bare
There’s sadness in the air
And I’m as blue as I can be”

– “Blue on Blue”, Bobby Vinton

Neglect to change the water in a fish tank, and it will soon cloud over.  Depression clouds the judgment of abuse victims, in much the same way.

Causes of Depression

Depression is a serious illness characterized by changes in brain chemistry.  Genetics, stress, major traumas such as war and child abuse, and medical conditions including AIDS, heart disease, multiple sclerosis, and lupus can all play a role.

Grief at the loss of a loved one is generally distinguished from depression.  The first can, however, lead to the second [1].

Shift Toward Blue

With depression, we see the world through “blue colored” glasses, no longer capable of assessing ourselves or our situation accurately.

All our failings – failings we have in common with the rest of humanity – are magnified.  Our defeats are remembered; our good qualities and genuine accomplishments, diminished in our eyes or forgotten entirely.

Because depression is a mood disorder, we are unaware of this shift toward blue.  The world looks bleak.  Our situation – whatever it may be – appears hopeless to us.  Our lives feel meaningless.  In effect, the water in our fish tank is cloudy, and we cannot see past the glass. Continue reading →

39 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Rape, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Violence Against Women

Tagged as , , , , , ,

January 15, 2017 · 1:00 am

“Never, Never, Ever, say these 15 comments to a Victim of Abuse” by Sue Cass

Sue Cass is an abuse survivor and Christian author.  She blogs at Cyber Support Group https://cybersupportgroup.org, Elah Ministries Inc. http://www.elahministries.com, and Sue’s Pen2PaperBlog https://suespen2paper.com .  I recommend her books and blogs to you.

“There’s a difference between still being a victim of abuse and a survivor of abuse.

A person that still carries the shame, guilt, unforgiveness, has not healed the emotional issues from abuse, or is still being abused is continuing to be a victim.

The person that can stand tall, speak out with no shame, no guilt, and has walked the healing path is a survivor of the abuse that was perpetrated in the past. It isn’t just having ‘lived through the abuse.’ It is a matter of having walked the healing path and by God’s grace has over come the emotional issues and is walking in freedom from the past.

Many people want to be helpful and many think that their questions and statements are innocent and do not affect those that have been abused, be it childhood sexual abuse or spousal rape and abuse, or physical and emotional abuse.

Over the years I have heard many testimonies of the added pain inflicted upon victims and survivors of these types of abuse. I have experienced many of them myself and I can tell you from experience the survivor of abuse may steal herself/himself for the onslaught of ‘innocent’ questions and statements but these questions and/or statements are knives deeply imbedding in the heart of the one who has survived the horrors of abuse.

Never, never, never, ever say these things to a victim/survivor of abuse: 

  1. ‘You could have done something to defend yourself.’

Let me ask you how a small child can defend herself against an adult? Or how can a wife defend herself against a husband that is bigger, stronger and wields some object, including his fist, at her? Or a teen girl or boy defend themselves against an angry father or mother? Children are taught to obey! Obey no matter what the parent says to do! Wives are taught to be ‘submissive’ to their husband.

  1. ‘Why didn’t you just leave?’

In the case of a small child, where would they go? A two-year old cannot support themselves, nor a 5-year-old or 7, 10, or 12-year-old. Teenagers? Some do leave and they end up on the street, homeless, the property of a pimp, or within a gang doing drugs, robbing, stealing, scavenging for food in dumpsters, and the Lord only knows what else. Many do not have relatives that will sympathize and take them in. For the grown woman, some are threatened with death if she ever leaves, she has children to consider, a homeless shelter may be a temporary answer IF they are not full, she may not have ever held a job in her life and has no means of support. The list can go on and on and on. I highly recommend the book, “The Walking Wounded: The Path from Brokenness to Wholeness” by Secret Angel for a better understanding of a wife and mother living with an abusive husband.  Available at: www.amazon.com.

  1. “Why didn’t you tell someone!” 

Many have, most won’t. With young children some have been told to “keep the secret no matter what!” Many were accused of lying, blamed for the assaults, beaten for “telling such lies,” ignored, threatened with family members being killed (and many other guilt-ridden consequences) Most have been subject to mind control from an early age, manipulated and controlled, blamed for the abuse by the abuser. One of the things I was told over and over as a young child, “Just stay away from him!” At two and three years old I was told, “If you wouldn’t sit on your dad’s lap…” We are made to feel it is all our fault! For teenagers some have been actually thrown out of the house at fifteen or sixteen years old or have run away because no-one believed them and the abuse continued. Some married the first guy to come along only to be abused now by a husband. Victims are seldom believed! Males are laughed at. “Men can’t be raped!” If that’s your attitude then read, “Unhelpful Myths About the Sexual Assault and Rape of Men.” Posted on this blog, June 10, 2015.

  1. ‘Well you should have……’ or ‘Why didn’t you…..?’

Unless you have been in our shoes there is no way you can even begin to understand or comprehend the dynamics that are or were going on in an abusive home. To lay this kind of condemnation on a victim is to jab the knife in real deep, smile sweetly, and then twist it!

  1. ‘Did you call the police?’

Young children don’t know to do that.  Some teenagers do and end up in foster care only to be abused again or bounced from one place to another to another to another. Some, when the police arrive the abuser convinces the police the teen “has some mental problems.” Unless there are obvious bruises and cuts the police will file a report and leave.  With adults, many do but out of a false sense of “I love him” or “He loves me” they refuse to press charges once the police have come. Many do not get that opportunity for the control is so great there may not even be a phone available in the home. Continue reading →

52 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Prostitution, Rape, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Violence Against Women

Tagged as , , , , ,

January 8, 2017 · 1:00 am

Man’s Best Friend

Service dog, Pella at work in Colorado courtroom (Photo courtesy of CBS)

Service dog, Pella, at work in Colorado courtroom (Photo courtesy of CBS)

Merel, an 18 month old labrador, is helping to relieve the fears of children and teens testifying in court, either as witnesses or victims [1].  The first of her kind in Ontario, Canada, Merel is a service dog with the Child Witness Program.

According to Rachel Crawford, the program coordinator, Merel plays a calming and supportive role.  “…[S]he’s very gentle.  She’s very loving…She’ll often sit right on the couch beside the child with her head on their lap or she’ll sit at their feet.”  Crawford adds, “It’s sort of hard to know how I ever did my work without her.  She helps build an instant rapport. ” Continue reading →

32 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Violence Against Women

Tagged as , , ,

January 1, 2017 · 1:00 am

Fairy Tales

Illustration by Jessie Willcox Smith from The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald, Author Jessie Willcox Smith, Source http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/34339 (PD)

Illustration by Jessie Willcox Smith from The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald, Photographer Jessie Willcox Smith, Source http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/34339 (PD)

“Once upon a time…”  When we were children those were magical words.  They called up a world of fairy godmothers, princes slaying dragons, and wishes come true.  A fairy tale promised excitement and adventure.  Best of all, we were guaranteed a happy ending.

Andrew Lang compiled hundreds of fairy tales into The Fairy Books of Many Colors.  I devoured these as a child, one color after another – The Red Fairy Book, The Yellow Fairy Book, etc. – as fast as I could lay hands on them.  I simply could not get my fill.  Yet I could not have said at the time what the fascination was for me.

Psychologists have long argued over the meaning and usefulness of fairy tales.  These universally loved stories can be interpreted in a variety of ways.

The explanation that comes closest to my own experience is that fairy tales allow children to confront and deal with their fears and concerns – whether of abandonment (Hansel and Gretel), death (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty), rejection (Cinderella), etc. – in symbolic terms, so that those fears and concerns are reduced to manageable size.

Children get the satisfaction of slaying their own dragons…from a safe distance. Continue reading →

42 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

December 25, 2016 · 1:00 am

Confidence

Grambling State University, Author Billy Hathorn (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22: 6).

The Amazingly Authentic Confidence Program at Grambling State University helps grow the self-esteem of girls between the ages of 5 and 19 [1].  Girls in this age range are considered most vulnerable.

The program goes to some unusual lengths.  Five year old Jourenii Johnson was recently given the chance to teach a group of college students.  With total confidence, the little girl – who wants one day to become a teacher – informed the class that bullying is not a good thing.  She, also, instructed students not to use their cell phones in class.

Kudos to Grambling State!  How beautiful it is to see our children nurtured!

One cannot help but think of all those who do not receive the care they deserve.  For their sake, we must keep striving:  to educate the public about abuse; to rescue those being abused; to prosecute predators; and to set firm safeguards in place to prevent future abuse.

There was a child born 2000 years ago who brought hope and love into this broken world.  His desire for us is that we live joyfully; that we see ourselves as precious children of the One True God, and raise our own children in peace.

—

[1]  KNOE News 8, “5-year-old teaches at Grambling State University” by Kaitlyn Loyacano, 11/14/16, Updated 11/15/16, http://www.knoe.com/content/news/5-year-old-teaches-at-Grambling-State-University-401188286.html.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

19 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Violence Against Women

Tagged as , , , , ,

December 18, 2016 · 1:00 am

Rejection and Missed Deadlines

Messy desk, Author Sugar Pond, Source Mess (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic ).

One way to miss deadlines.  Author Sugar Pond, Source Mess (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic ).

This post was written together with Marie Williams whose remarks are in italics.  Marie blogs at Come Fly with Me, https://mariewilliams53.wordpress.com.

Sometimes it can seem that the world is against us.  Wherever we turn, doors are shut to us.  We can never catch a break; are never cut any slack; keep running into walls.  We cannot find any support.

Sound familiar?  Rejection rules the lives of abuse victims…or does it?

Certainly, rejection played a major role in our childhood.  Let’s, however, turn that experience on its ear.  Let’s instead ask ourselves the unthinkable, whether abuse victims are trained to seek out rejection.

Cruelty v. Kindness

“A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself” (Prov. 11: 17).

Treated cruelly in the past, abuse victims may tolerate cruelty from others, presuming it to be the norm or believing we deserve no better.

That is what we have experienced for much of our lives.  In childhood, we don’t know any different.  We cannot reason objectively because we do not have the mindset and the maturity to differentiate between good behaviour and bad behaviour from an abuser.  We willingly accept the crumbs we are given because for us that is better than nothing at all. 

But an older person may, also, settle for abusive behaviour.  Once your will is broken, you lose your sense of self.  Instead, you are continually looking for validation from your abuser.  Abuse and rejection can be mistaken for approval by someone whose view has become skewed.

Victims long for kindness, but may mistake it for weakness.

Though searching for love and approval, abuse victims don’t really know what those look like.  Being treated badly is what they have been conditioned to expect.  Kindness to them is something they are not worthy of.  Having for their formative years experienced abuse, that is what “feels right” to them.

Missed Deadlines

“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven…” (Eccl. 3: 1).

We miss the deadline for school applications; fail to supply the required documentation for scholarships.  And are rejected.

We hand class papers in late, losing points despite having agonized over content.  We take make-up exams, having missed the scheduled test date; and drop out, rather than risk receiving less than an outstanding grade [1].

We ask favors from acquaintances and strangers; recommendations from people we barely know.  And are ignored or rebuffed.

We show up late for our driver’s test, then are upset at the DMV policy not to reschedule for another 30 days.  Yet, we choose not to pursue litigation to enforce our rights, when legal representation is available and cost free [2].

I was the other way. Too eager to please.  Too early for everything, and panicked if a few minutes late or even on time! 

Chaotic Home Life

“Whoever troubles his own household will inherit the wind…” (Prov. 11: 29).

Often, these issues can stem from a chaotic home life.  As children, we had far greater concerns than the due date of a paper.  Perhaps a parent was chronically intoxicated, an “uncle” a little too interested in our development.  Perhaps there was no food in the house, and another beating just a few hours away. Continue reading →

20 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Violence Against Women

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

December 11, 2016 · 1:00 am

Silly Putty

Most of us remember Silly Putty from childhood.  A silicone-based toy, Silly Putty (trademarked by Crayola) could stretch, bounce, and replicate print images like those found in newspapers or comic books (today’s “graphic novels”).

Once removed from its protective shell, Silly Putty could be twisted and folded into a variety of shapes, and the images captured on it comically distorted.  These properties still astound and delight children.

But to abuse victims, Silly Putty offers a caution.

Validation

All human beings – abuse victims included – need validation, confirmation that their thoughts and feelings are appropriate, and in line with reality.  The need is part of what makes us human.  However stoic we may imagine ourselves, we were engineered for connection to others.

When we are denied connection through abuse, our need for validation does not disappear.  It intensifies.

Anxious to please, we may become putty in the hands of friends and family – willing to conform to their standards, to turn ourselves inside out, even if not asked to do that.  It can become difficult for us to remember what we might have preferred, if our loved ones had not expressed a preference first.

The quality of our loved ones will be tested, in the process [1].

Malleability

Most of us seek to comply with the desires of friends and family.  Maintaining harmony in our relationships is a laudable goal.

Generally, it is not a great deal to ask that we pursue the same course of action our loved ones do.  Affection will often sway us, especially if the choice is not of any great significance.

There should, however, be two major exceptions to this:  the first regarding ethics and morality; the second regarding self-esteem. Continue reading →

21 Comments

Filed under Child Abuse, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Religion, Sexual Abuse

Tagged as , , , , , , ,