Most of us remember Silly Putty from childhood. A silicone-based toy, Silly Putty (trademarked by Crayola) could stretch, bounce, and replicate print images like those found in newspapers or comic books (today’s “graphic novels”).
Once removed from its protective shell, Silly Putty could be twisted and folded into a variety of shapes, and the images captured on it comically distorted. These properties still astound and delight children.
But to abuse victims, Silly Putty offers a caution.
Validation
All human beings – abuse victims included – need validation, confirmation that their thoughts and feelings are appropriate, and in line with reality. The need is part of what makes us human. However stoic we may imagine ourselves, we were engineered for connection to others.
When we are denied connection through abuse, our need for validation does not disappear. It intensifies.
Anxious to please, we may become putty in the hands of friends and family – willing to conform to their standards, to turn ourselves inside out, even if not asked to do that. It can become difficult for us to remember what we might have preferred, if our loved ones had not expressed a preference first.
The quality of our loved ones will be tested, in the process [1].
Malleability
Most of us seek to comply with the desires of friends and family. Maintaining harmony in our relationships is a laudable goal.
Generally, it is not a great deal to ask that we pursue the same course of action our loved ones do. Affection will often sway us, especially if the choice is not of any great significance.
There should, however, be two major exceptions to this: the first regarding ethics and morality; the second regarding self-esteem.
A. Ethics and Morality
When our choices have an ethical or moral dimension, it is not sufficient to point to a loved one as the author of our actions. We are each accountable for the choices we make between right and wrong. No one can take the responsibility for those choices off our shoulders, even if our choices are influenced by affection [2].
Put another way, in the area of ethics and morality it is not wise to be too malleable, too pliable and easily molded.
B. Self-Esteem
We are all individuals. As such, we have the right to preferences. You may loathe modern art, while your best friend adores it.
Matters of preference and taste are less likely to cause harm than issues of ethics and morality. Out of affection, you may accompany your friend to a modern art exhibit. She, in turn, may go with you to a concert you have been anticipating, even if classical music does not interest her.
We compromise, share, and take turns. This is the nature of friendship. It is, or should be, a safe setting in which to reveal our true selves without fear of rejection or reprisal. Admittedly, abuse victims take a long time to reach this point.
Untrustworthy
Here, unfortunately, is the rub. There are some people undeserving of our trust, and unworthy of our friendship. The heightened need abuse victims have for validation makes us vulnerable to such people.
Those with narcissistic tendencies – vanity, selfishness, and self-absorption – may be flattered by our willingness to submit to their influence. This is not good for them or us. It enlarges their egos and deflates ours.
Those with sadistic tendencies (rare though they may be) actively enjoy hurting others. They wield power for its own sake, making unreasonable demands on the few people around them willing to comply.
Self-Protection
Hiding alone and lonely in our shells is not a viable option. We can best protect ourselves against exploitation by paying close attention to how we feel about the choices we are being asked to make.
Whether you choose chocolate or vanilla ice cream may not have earth shattering consequences. But if you feel compelled (or “guilted”) into choosing the flavor you would prefer to avoid, there is something wrong with the choice.
Warped
Silly Putty may be a toy we recall fondly. It should not be a model for our behavior. At best, the image Silly Putty takes on is the reverse of the original. At worst, that image is warped and deformed.
Christians are to be conformed to the image of Christ, and that image only (Rom. 8: 29). We need not, in other words, twist ourselves beyond all recognition for the approval of others. Doing that is, well, silly.
“Be imitators of me, just as I also imitate Christ” (1 Cor. 11: 1).
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[1] As Lord Acton said, “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Friends and relatives who discover our willingness to accede to their wishes may be tempted to take advantage of us. Those who resist the temptation are likely to be frustrated by our difficulty making a choice or taking an independent stand.
[2] Many Nazis, for instance, sought to claim they were “only following orders”. In the absence of threat or coercion, this was not a defense.
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ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse 
You offer great advice Anna, I am one who doesn’t like to argue.. so I tend to be “silly putty” God is working on my back bone 🙂
It’s always easier to give advice than take it. 😉
I know the feeling 🙂
Anna, thank you for this astoundingly brilliant post on such a profound subject. I have been closely related to Silly Putty, although I did not know it. It is as if I have just been introduced to a brother/sister I had not known existed. As a result of your post I will examine this relationship more closely to see where and if I need to cut those ties. In other words I have been deeply affected by this post – in a good way.
I am gratified you found this helpful, Marie. The rest of your brilliant comment leaves me profoundly speechless. 🙂
thank you so much Anna for sharing great advice
have a very nice begining of week
kisses
Thank you, Voulaah. Kisses to you, too! ❤
you are very welcome
kisses
Well said, Anna. I would even go further and say that the drive to please people can be a form of idolatry, although unconsciously done. The enemy knows this and he knows how God made us. His evil vice is to wound us and then use our woundedness to take us away from God Himself. (Our battle is not against flesh and blood.) May God help us all to be free from the control and manipulation of others, as Christ intended. It was for freedom that Christ has set us free! Bless you, Anna. Good post. 🙂
What a profound observation, Debbie! That had not occurred to me. I certainly join in your prayer. May God bless you, and continue to heal your husband. ❤
Thank you, Anna. He is doing really great. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too. 🙂
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When I saw the title of your post I did a double take Anna. I haven’t heard the words “Silly Putty” for ages. Made me smile actually.
No one should ever feel compelled to compromise their own integrity in order to appease another person. As you say,we might all share some basic human desires,wants,and needs but we should be free to express our own desires without fear of reprisal. To my way of thinking,this is simply showing respect for the individual.
Wonderful post as always my friend.
And you, my friend, are always so kind. 🙂
profound, wise – & you even made me laugh at the end!
Happy to hear it! 🙂
Anna, I remember Silly Putty as well. I loved the way it bounced almost like another toy that came out about that time, the “Super Ball.” Some children have a way of bouncing back from what life sends their way, always wanting to believe the best of their parents no matter what happens. But leave it to a boy to figure it out that if you threw your Silly Puddy ball hard enough against the wall it would shatter and pieces would end up all over the house.
This, too, is what happens in the lives of so many children. The trauma in their little lives caused by unloving and abusive parents or later by spouses fracture their hearts and only Jesus can find all the pieces and put them back together again. But this time He takes them into His hands and forms them into His own image, loving, kind and considerate instead of the image forced on them by self-centered people who should have known better. I know you can relate, dear heart.
“BEHOLD MY Servant, Whom I uphold, My elect in Whom My soul delights! I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice and right and reveal truth to the nations… A bruised reed He will not break, and a dimly burning wick He will not quench; He will bring forth justice in truth. He will not fail or become weak or be crushed and discouraged till He has established justice in the earth…” (Isa 42:1-4, AMP)
Your friend,
Michael
I had no idea Silly Putty could fracture?! How well you’ve expanded on my analogy! I am always grateful for your insights, dear friend. I learn so much from you. ❤
I am for you as well, Anna. You are always so encouraging to me. ❤
I had to share this one on the FB page: https://www.facebook.com/shatteredinhim/
Thank you, JD. I hope it does some good.