Tag Archives: abuse scars

February 4, 2024 · 1:00 am

Imperfection

File:Hand Pinted Kintsugi Pottery Bowl.jpg

Hand-painted Kintsugi pottery bowl by Artist Ruthann Hurwitz, Author Ruthann Hurwitz, (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

One of the greatest challenges for those of us who have lived through abuse is coming to terms with our own imperfections.

Not Unworthy of Love

We were taught — endlessly, often by the most brutal means — that our imperfections made us unlovable, unworthy of love.

That, of course, was a lie.  However, it left us believing that any imperfection at all was unacceptable, in effect, that it disqualified us from membership in the human race.

Yet, humanity is defined by imperfection.  We may strive for excellence — at times even achieve it.  But all human beings are by nature flawed. Continue reading →

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December 24, 2023 · 1:00 am

Christmas Star

All of us were children once.  What we survived over the years shaped our character and our lives.

At Christmas we celebrate the birth of another child, a Savior who came into this broken world for our sakes.  We were not all rescued, but we can — because of Him — be redeemed.

Wishing All of You a Merry Christmas!

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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December 3, 2023 · 1:00 am

Frigid – Sexual Dysfunction

File:Byron Maiden (57229148).jpeg

Image by Paul Nguyen, Source https://500px.com (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

There is a secret some victims of childhood sexual abuse will take to their graves, even if they are otherwise able as adults to the discuss the abuse to which they were subjected.  This is sexual dysfunction.

Two Types of Scars

Childhood sexual abuse can distort sexual expression in one of two principal ways [1].  Each type of scar negatively impacts victims’ lives.

A. Promiscuity

Many victims will become sexually promiscuous.  This demonstrates how little value the abuse taught them they had.  The large number of prostitutes who were sexually abused as children illustrate that.

For some of these victims, promiscuous behavior is an attempt to barter for love, since sex is the only medium of exchange they had available.  For others, it is an attempt to reclaim ownership of their bodies.

B.  Sexual Dysfunction

A smaller percentage of victims will develop sexual dysfunction.  This was, in the past, disparagingly termed frigidity, particularly as applied to women [2].  But the problem can afflict both men and women.  Desire, arousal, and orgasm can all be impacted.

Sexual dysfunction can range from a decreased interest in sex to the inability to experience sexual pleasure with a partner, pain during intercourse, and outright sexual aversion [3][4][5].

Wherever victims fall in the range, there is great shame associated with the problem. Continue reading →

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July 16, 2023 · 1:00 am

Abuse and Defensiveness, Part 2

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Depiction of Final Judgment on the facade of Amiens Cathedral, France, Author Savant-fou (CC BY- SA 3.0 Unported)

We continue our discussion of defensiveness with an examination of the impact of this psychological defense mechanism on relationships, and the tactics abuse victims can use to stop relying on it.

Impact of Defensiveness

When defensiveness is frequently employed by partners (romantic and otherwise), it is likely to become a vicious cycle with both parties critical and entrenched in their positions before any real discussion of an issue can take place [1A][2A].

Situations easily become tense and hostile.  Everything seems to escalate into a fight [2B].  Issues are never resolved.

In a business context, this is likely to cause isolation from colleagues, and may put a job in jeopardy [2C][3A].  In a romantic context, it will interfere with empathy and intimacy, ultimately becoming destructive to the relationship [1B][3B].

Tactics to Overcome Defensiveness

Professional counseling is one technique for overcoming defensiveness (along with underlying mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and PTSD), particularly as such counseling will increase our awareness of the problem [1C][4A].  Journaling can, also, assist, in this regard [4B].

Acknowledging (rather than attempting to deflect) our feelings can help validate them, and defuse a situation before it gets out of hand [4C].  This allows us to remain calm, listen, express empathy, and focus on the issue at hand without rushing to judgment [2D][4D].

Taking responsibility for something we may truly have done wrong is an opportunity for growth, not a sign of weakness [4E].

Other tactics include building self-esteem, and learning more beneficial communication skills [1D].  Assertiveness training is, for instance, available [5].

Once we recognize the triggers for our defensiveness and understand what may be prompting it, we can more readily ask ourselves what behaviors might be more effective in achieving the specific outcomes we desire while preserving the relationships we value [1E].

Recognition and Eternal Rewards

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ” (Col.  3: 23-24).

This is a flawed and broken world.  We will not always receive from it the justice we believe we deserve or the recognition we desire.  As followers of Christ, we will, in fact, be rejected, reviled, and persecuted (1 Peter 4: 12).

God, however, knows our hearts, as well as our failings.  He knows the experiences, positive and negative, which have shaped our lives.  He knows our pain, and our good intentions, whether we can fully express them or not.

Since He sees and knows all things — but loves us immeasurably, despite that — excuses before God are worthless (Luke 8: 17).  Imperfect as we are, He purchased us at the price of His blood.  This makes defensiveness with Him unnecessary, reducing the pressure on us to employ it with others.

God alone is the final Judge, in any case, the only One whose opinion of us really matters in the end.

—

[1A through 1E]  Healthy Love & Money, “What Is Defensiveness and How It Becomes a Vicious Cycle” by ED Coambs MBA, MA, MS, LMFT, 10/20/22, https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/what-is-defensiveness-and-how-it-becomes-a-vicious-cycle.

[2A through 2E]  Verywell Mind, “How to Stop Being Defensive” by Sanjana Gupta, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-defensive-7187366.

[3A and 3B]  Wikipedia, “Defensive communication”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defensive_communication.

[4A through 4E]  Verywell Mind, “What Is Defensiveness?” by Arlin Cuncic MA, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-defensiveness-5115075.

[5]  Wikipedia, “Assertiveness”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness.

Part 1 in this series was posted last week.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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July 9, 2023 · 1:00 am

Abuse and Defensiveness, Part 1

File:Richard Humphreys, the Boxer MET DP167133.jpg

“Richard Humphreys:  The Boxer” by John Hoppner (1778-1788), Metropolitan Museum of Art (Accession No. 53.113), Source/Photographer https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/436691 (Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Donation)

“Defensiveness is where you try to convince the other person not to think negatively of you, where you defend yourself, where you try to make sure you don’t get found guilty by the court.  Assertiveness is merely stating the truth.”

-Dan Munro [1]

Defensiveness is a psychological defense mechanism which involves justifying our actions when we experience shame, sadness, and/or anger as the result of perceived criticism [2A][3A].

Defensiveness is distinct from assertiveness in the defense of our rights.  One is emotion driven, an attempt (conscious or unconscious) to deflect blame to our opponent, and often related to anxiety or low self-esteem.  The other is simply a confident and reasoned communication style, which stops short of aggression [4].

Connection to Abuse

Abuse — whether emotional, physical, sexual, or arising from neglect — is a recognized cause of defensiveness [2B][3B][5].  Since we were unable to protect ourselves against abuse as children, it is entirely possible that we may become reflexively defensive as adults.

Domestic abuse can, also, result in defensiveness.

Continue reading →

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May 8, 2022 · 12:00 am

Reliving Trauma, Part 2

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fb/Spaghetti_%26_Meatballs_%284%29_%2838218925246%29.jpgSpaghetti and Meatballs, Author John Freeman
(CC Attribution-2.0 Generic)

The Weight-Loss Battle

Again and again, you resolve to lose weight.  At times, you make heroic efforts in this direction.  You try fad diets, and supervised weight loss programs.  You try home exercise equipment and gym memberships.  You fast, may occasionally purge.

And you do lose weight, sometimes substantial amounts.  But as soon as you have acquired an attractive wardrobe in a smaller size, your weight shoots up again.  It is as if you were fighting a force outside yourself.

The pain of this is excruciating.  Giving away – one after another – the pretty items of clothing that no longer fit, you feel as if the flesh were being ripped from your bones, piece by piece.

This happens time after time, over the years, stripping you of hope.

Self-Control and a Negative Inner Dialog

Disciplined in other areas of life, you revile yourself for a lack of self-control where food is concerned, further contributing to an inner dialog which is already wholly negative.

You do your best to live a life of integrity.  But nothing you accomplish has value in your eyes, so long as you continue to have weight issues.

Scalding encounters with those who make clear their disgust at your appearance only reinforce your sense of worthlessness.

Weight Issues/Eating Disorders as a Substitute

Weight problems and eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, etc.) can arise from other causes than abuse [1].  But when abuse of some kind has occurred, they frequently serve as substitutes – an alternate focus for our shame, safer places to put our pain.

We may agonize over the difficulty of losing weight.  But, chances are, that is preferable to agonizing over the incest to which we were subjected.  The difficulty of the struggle reflects the depth of the wound. Continue reading →

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May 1, 2022 · 1:00 am

Reliving Trauma, Part 1

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e3/Sugar_in_Junk_Food_-_Doughnuts%2C_Biscuits%2C_Chocolate_and_Cake.jpgJunk Food, Author formulatehealth, Source https://www.flickr.com/photos/189590028@N07/50191150823/ (CC Attribution-2.0 Generic)

Food as Comfort

You endure a childhood of sexual abuse.  Food is a comfort, solace for this inexplicable violation you have repeatedly experienced but cannot understand.

The Roots of an Eating Disorder

By your teens, you develop a weight problem, along with an eating disorder.  Though you do not realize it, both these are related to the abuse.  You deal with all the usual adolescent turmoil and the pain you carry around inside by bingeing.

Shame and Lack of Support

You have no emotional support, no one to guide you toward adulthood.  And virtually no clothes, since there is little thought given by the adults around you to the needs of a growing child.

You try on your mother’s clothes – in part so that you will have something to wear, in part to see what it feels like to be a grown woman.  But your mother is shorter in stature than you, and the clothes are too small.

You feel ashamed, unworthy to be a woman at all. Continue reading →

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May 30, 2021 · 1:00 am

Flypaper

Musca domestica – Housefly, Author Nico Westerhof (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

My father helped uncounted strangers.  He gave directions, fixed tires, delivered groceries, shared tools, shoveled driveways.  He lent money that went unreturned.  He cleared debris, cut down unwanted tree limbs, and cleaned the home of one elderly man for years.

My father, also, molested me.  I have struggled with the scars of that incest my entire life…

People who have just learned of the incest will – after a distressed pause – often ask how it first began…I cannot recall the first time.  I simply do not remember a period when the incest was not a part of my reality…

Certainly I was acting out sexually by the second grade, a sure sign I was being molested.  I knew the basics of sexual intercourse by that point.  My father had conveyed that information in the interest of furthering my education.  So he repeatedly said…

I have no words to convey the horror my father’s assaults produced in me.

Imagine a cool summer’s day.  It is early morning.  You open the screen door and stop out onto the porch, kissed by a soft breeze.  The world is green and new…After a few moments, you turn reluctantly; go back indoors to chores and the real world.

It is only than that you see.  A hoard of flies somehow entered the apartment while the screen door was ajar.  You are at first stunned by their number.  There must be eight or ten.  How can this have happened so quickly?  Then disgust sets in.  Your gorge rises, but there is no relief at hand.  Somehow you have to deal with the situation. Continue reading →

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May 16, 2021 · 1:00 am

Captives

“Young Slave” by Michelangelo (1520-1523), Galleria dell’ Accademia, Florence, Italy, Author Jörg Bittner Unna (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

Those of you familiar with the perfection of Michelangelo’s “David” or “Pieta” may not know that he created a series of sculptures loosely referred to as the slaves, prisoners or captives.

Art critics argue over the merit of these – the central issue being whether Michelangelo intended them as finished works of art or not.  Details on these statues are vague, chisel marks still clearly visible.

The figures though are striking.  Incomplete, they struggle not only to free themselves from their chains, but from the very stone in which they are encased.

The Scars of Abuse

Like Michelangelo’s captives, the victims of childhood abuse wrestle with the scars of their abuse – low self-esteem, perfectionism, boundary issues, depression, anxiety, PTSD, relationship difficulties, sexual promiscuity and/or dysfunction, addiction, and the rest.  We struggle against the chains binding us, desperate to get free.

The Figure Within

Michelangelo’s entire approach to sculpture was to envision the figure within.  He saw his role as first identifying that figure, then removing unnecessary elements to reveal the image present all along.

Despite our scars, God, too, sees the figure within.  Like a sculptor, He shapes us to an image only He can see.  Bit by bit, He removes unnecessary elements, always aware of the ultimate outcome. Continue reading →

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October 18, 2020 · 1:00 am

Scars and Glory

“I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are

But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious”

“This Is Me” by Justin Paul and Benj Pasek,
Copyright © Kobalt Music Publishing

As abuse survivors, we carry scars – emotional, mental, and physical.  That is a fact of life for us.

To be ashamed of our scars is to be ashamed of who we are and who we were meant to be.  Afraid, we became valiant.  Humiliated, we grew resolute.  Weak and wounded, we found our strength.

Our scars are proof of that.  They are proof of the power with which we held onto life…and the Power that sustained us.

We have been hurt and we have been broken.  But we are still here.  We have been defiled and spat upon, rejected and reviled.  But we are still here.

We may not meet society’s standards for perfection.  We may not fit society’s mold of what it is to be acceptable.  Those standards are a product of ignorance.  That mold was meant to be broken.

Our scars are obvious.  But we are still here.  And our wounds are, also, our glory.

“In my deepest wound I saw Your glory and it astounded me.”

-St. Augustine of Hippo

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