Tag Archives: anxiety

Invisible Wounds – Emotional Abuse

Mimi & Eunice Cartoon:  “Posture”, Source https://mimiandeunice.com/2011/10/20/posture/, Author Nina Paley, (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

“Ugh.  I hate the sight of your ugly face.”

“I wish I’d never had you.  I should have gotten an abortion.”

“You’re useless.  You’ll never amount to anything.”

“How can you be so stupid?  No wonder you have no friends.”

“Now, look what you made me do.  It’s all your fault.”

“No one could love you.  No one ever will.”

Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars.  But the wounds go deep.  We may as well have scalding water dumped over us.

Emotional abuse is often mischaracterized as a less damaging form of child abuse.  To the contrary, the American Academy of Pediatrics calls it, “the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect” [1A]. 

Such abuse can carry over into adult relationships [2].  We settle for what we think we deserve.  There is, therefore, a clear link to domestic abuse [3].

Emotional abuse of children may be accompanied by physical neglect, physical abuse, or sexual abuse. 

However, there is credible evidence that the victims of emotional abuse and emotional neglect exhibit equal or worse immediate and long-term effects than the survivors of other forms of maltreatment and violence [1B].

Types of Emotional Abuse

A. Cruelty

Emotional abuse can involve name calling; constant criticism; negative remarks about a child’s (or later an adult partner’s) appearance, intellect, abilities, hopes, and dreams; cruel jokes at a child’s (or later an adult partner’s) expense; deliberate humiliation; and threats of violence or abandonment [4A]. 

A parent may permanently damage a child’s self-esteem simply by withholding all kind and encouraging remarks [4B].

B. Manipulation

There are other varieties of emotional abuse, no less harmful to a child.  These can range from manipulating or scapegoating a child; failing to promote a child’s social development by forbidding friends, and forcing isolation on a child; to making a child the parent’s emotional partner (covert incest); or exposing a child to traumatic events like domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse [4C].

C. Excessive Control

Children can be damaged if they are pushed too hard, in order to fulfill a parent’s own ambitions, or controlled so closely that they have no lives of their own [4D].

D. Emotional Neglect

At the other extreme, children can be emotionally harmed, if they are regularly ignored [4E]. 

Failure by a parent to interact at all with a child is known as emotional neglect.  This can occur if, for instance, a parent suffers from serious mental illness.  It can be devastating for the child, even if he or she is otherwise fed and clothed.

E. Domestic Abuse

In the context of domestic violence, emotional abuse is often accompanied by extreme jealousy; isolation; enforced dependence; and coercive control by the abusive partner over money, travel, and communication with family and friends [5A]. Continue reading

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Healing from Abuse

Flowers growing from cement, Author Frederick Depuydt (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

Healing from child abuse is possible.  But healing is a process [1].  In this regard, healing from domestic abuse is not very different. 

Necessary elements include recognizing the full impact of the trauma we experienced; processing the emotions the trauma generated; developing healthy coping mechanisms; and rebuilding a sense of safety and self-worth. 

Both healing from child abuse and healing from domestic abuse require courage and patience with ourselves.

The Impact of Trauma

The impact of childhood trauma is multi-faceted.  It can range from rage, self-hatred, anxiety, depression, and PTSD (nightmares, flashbacks, emotional detachment, etc.) to sexual addiction, sexual dysfunction, chronic physical ailments (migraines, backaches, etc.), drug or alcohol addiction, and eating disorders [2].  

Similarly, domestic violence can result in anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a host of physical ailments from gastrointestinal and cardiovascular issues to traumatic brain injury [3][4].

It bears mention that child abuse and domestic abuse can both result in death, either at the hand of the abuser or by way of suicide years later.

Professional counseling can be of great assistance to survivors in dealing with trauma, re-establishing necessary boundaries, and developing healthy coping skills [5].

Rebuilding Self-Worth

At the deepest level, victims must reclaim a sense of self-worth.  This is an enormous challenge.  Child victims of abuse are taught from the outset they are dung.  Adult victims (having survived turbulent childhoods) are gradually deprived of their power and self-respect by abusive partners. Continue reading

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Fighting Demons

Black Demons, Author Ramya srivastav, (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

Fighting the demons of anxiety, depression, and PTSD or trauma-related addictions and eating disorders is a little like playing football [1][2].  We make headway then lose ground.  But the fight never really ends, not the way a game of football does.  There is no score.

We win by surviving another day.

Across Decades

It can be enormously discouraging to wrestle with the scars of abuse, sexual assault, or other trauma, decade in and decade out.  Surely, we must after all this time have made progress.

But progress is not linear.  Despite the passage of time, and an extensive list of medications – not to mention therapy – familiar demons can resurface.

Factors Impacting Our Success

So, are anxiety, depression, and PTSD or trauma-related behaviors ever really “conquered”?  Can they, at least, be fought to a standstill?  The answer depends.

The factors include the length and severity of the trauma we sustained; our particular genetics; the quality and extent of our medical treatment; our psychological and spiritual resources; the emotional support we have available; and the other stressors to which we are subjected.

None of these can be quantified.  Most such demons can and do vary over the course of a lifetime.

The Struggle

Why not just throw in the towel (to mix sports metaphors)?  After all, the struggle is exhausting.  The struggle, however, is life. Continue reading

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Vigilance, Part 3 – Physical Abuse

“Dr. Payne’s Electroshock Apparatus” (2022) by Tania Love Abramson and Paul R. Abramson, Image courtesy of AMA Journal of Ethics https://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/

Physical abuse is the form of child abuse most frequently reported by the media and most familiar to the public.  It is, also, the form most frequently fatal.

Children can and do sustain bumps and bruises, in the course of ordinary play.  Physical abuse, however, is deliberate harm by a parent or caregiver.

An abuser may characterize physical abuse as punishment for a perceived infraction.  But such punishment is out of all proportion to the infraction, and severe beyond a child’s capacity to understand or endure it.

The warning signs of physical abuse include the following [1][2]:

  • A child who has unexplained burns, bruises, bite marks, or broken bones.
  • A child who has fading bruises after an absence from school, particularly patterned injuries (in the shape of a belt buckle or stove burner, for example) or injuries in normally protected areas of the body like the genitals, inner arms, back, or buttocks.
  • A child who shrinks from adults, as if fearful of being struck.
  • A child who seems reluctant to go home after school, and/or frightened of his/her parents.
  • A child with mental health issues such as PTSD, anxiety, and/or depression.
  • A child who says his/her injury was caused by a parent or caregiver.

Children subjected to physical abuse like “Shaken Baby” Syndrome during the early years of life can experience brain damage, loss of hearing, injury to the spinal cord, and death.

The parent responsible for inflicting injury on a child – or attempting to “cover” for an offending partner – may offer inconsistent (or unconvincing) explanations for that child’s injuries.

Such a parent may describe his/her child as “evil” or in other highly negative terms. The parent may use (or recommend that a teacher use) harsh physical discipline on his/her child.

Other potential danger signals include a prior history of abuse by the parent with the same or another child, and/or physical abuse of that parent as a child.

[1]  Prevent Child Abuse America, “Recognizing Child Abuse:  What Parents Should Know”,   https://preventchildabuse.org/resource/recognizing-child-abuse-what-parents-should-know/.

[2]  First Cry – Parenting, “Neglect – Causes, Effects, and Prevention” by Romita P, 2/12/18,  https://parenting.firstcry.com/articles/child-neglect-causes-effects-and-prevention/.

 Originally posted 1/19/20

This series will conclude next week with Part 4 – Sexual Abuse

30 Los Angeles detention officers have been charged with child abuse for staging at least 69 “gladiator fights” between minors at Los Padrinos Juvenile Hall in 2023.  Some 143 children and teens were involved.

See, https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/30-officers-facilitating-gladiator-fights-minors-la-area-juvenile-hall-rcna194632.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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The Rose Garden, Chapter 19 – In the Wilderness

File:Employment Law Office.jpg
Law office boardroom, Source https://www.htwlaw.ca, Author Tony Wong (Free Use)

“Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert ” (Isa. 43: 19).

Kite flying was something I did not do well as a child.  Still, I tried every summer to make a successful kite, one that would soar overhead.

I was aware that kites could be purchased at the local five and dime, but did not think to ask for one.  It was clear such frivolities were beyond the family’s means.  Instead, I constructed my kites of the materials at hand:  loose-leaf paper and cardboard, bakery string, and rags.

The kites did rise briefly, but never very high, resolutely though I ran with them down the hill in front of our house.   I dreamed occasionally, myself, of flying — capable in dreams of rising effortlessly off the ground, like a bird, whenever I wished.

I was not very adept at sledding either.  Snow did not fall often enough in the Bronx to allow much opportunity for practice, and the hill in front of our house was not particularly steep.  I did not view these conditions as bearing on my sledding abilities.  Despite them, I persisted.

Emotional Transparency

The situation was much the same at the first legal firm at which I worked.  This was a medical malpractice firm.  I had not heard of malpractice before; knew only that I wanted litigation.  Suddenly, the biology major I had pursued made sense.

My first firm specialized in brain-damaged infant cases. These are among the most serious and difficult, with large monetary value.  Because of that, trials in this specialty are hard for a young attorney to come by.  One of the first principles driven home to me was that the attorney’s ego must be secondary to the clients’ good.

Trial work here was the Holy Grail, the measure of an attorney, but always something mysterious, as well. As young attorneys, we jockeyed over the few available trial opportunities.  Little by little, we acquired the necessary skills.

I, however, made a fundamental mistake.  I let my feelings of insecurity show at the office.

Fear is a natural component of trial work.  Those who have done it for any length will confirm this.  We carry the responsibility of the clients’ welfare.  The full force of risk falls upon us.

We have high rates of alcoholism and substance abuse; are prone to depression; die of heart failure and stroke, sometimes in the courtroom.

We are an irreverent bunch.  Some of this is due to the fact our jobs require us to push the envelope.  Some of it is a reaction to the stress — a response that, as children, my sister and I used to call “laughing in the face of death.”

Unfortunately, my emotional transparency (a consequence of boundary violation) was viewed as a vulnerability.  No matter how hard I worked, I was passed over.

As young attorneys, we often had to request the rescheduling of trial dates by the courts.  We joked that our cards should read, impressively, “Adjournments in All Courts.”

With litigation as common as it is in this country, court calendars are heavy.  Judges are impatient to move cases along.  Adjournments were not always easy to secure.

On one particular occasion, I was instructed by the Office Manager to obtain a short adjournment on a case already marked “final.”  On the way to court, I had an accident on the parkway.

It was a rainy day.  Traffic was heavy, but moving.  A vehicle entering from the right caused the driver ahead of me to stop suddenly.  I slammed on the brakes in order to avoid a collision, and went into a spin on the wet pavement.

Time seemed to stand still.  A huge truck came into view.  I closed my eyes and gripped the wheel, anticipating impact.  Expecting to die.

Instead, my vehicle came to a soft stop.  I opened my eyes to find I had spun 180 degrees and was facing the vehicle originally behind mine, our bumpers barely touching.

None of us in the vehicles involved had been injured.  The police took a report, but we decided as a group to go on with the day.  As far as I know, no litigation ever resulted.

My concern at that moment was getting to court on time.  I got back in my car, drove the rest of way, and managed to get the necessary adjournment.

To my dismay, the Managing Partner was unhappy with my efforts.  Though my inadvertent mentor, he accused me of having manipulated the situation, so that no other attorneys would be available on the adjourned date, and I could try the case.

I was stunned.  Thankfully, I could point to the Office Manager’s written instructions.

I never mentioned the accident.  There seemed no point.

Things reached such a level of frustration for me at the firm that I found myself crying in the office bathroom one day.  As I sat on the edge of the tub, it suddenly dawned on me that I deserved better.  I dried my tears, walked out, and gave notice. Continue reading

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The Rose Garden, Chapter 17 – Illness

File:MarkhamStouffvilleHospital23.jpg

Emergency Room, Markham Stouffville Hospital, Ontario, Author Raysonho @ Open Grid Scheduler/Grid Engine, (CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication)

“…rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer…” (Rom. 12: 12).

There may be an abuse-related dimension common to all the major illnesses from which I have suffered over the years, disparate though at first they appear.

The mechanism of this is not fully understood, but is thought to involve somatization, i.e. the expression of psychological or emotional factors as physical symptoms [1].  The pain associated with somatization is a physiologic response to the stress and trauma of abuse, but all too real [2].

Abuse and Autoimmune Disease

Around the age of twelve, I suffered a major attack of hives.  Though I did not know it then, this presaged the chronic urticaria (CU) from which I suffer today.  In effect, the body does not recognize, and so attacks itself.

A growing body of research suggests a link between childhood abuse and the development of autoimmune disease [3].

At the time of the initial hives, I was repeatedly bathed in ice water as I writhed.  Since they had been on the phone to a physician, it was twenty-four hours before my mother or grandmother considered taking me to an emergency room.

Of course, my mother had gone to work with a second degree sunburn.  Her enormous blisters burst while she was on the subway.  My grandmother washed the kitchen floor on her hands and knees the day after she returned home from the hospital, following a hysterectomy.

After years of childhood earaches and tonsillitis, I finally had my tonsils removed at age nineteen.  Following surgery, I awoke from anesthesia to find my father at the foot of the hospital bed.  I cannot convey the joy I felt.  It was entirely unexpected and moved me immensely that he had taken time off from work to see me.

It strikes me as funny to this day that I shared a room with a Jehovah’s Witness and a Black Muslim.  Unable to speak, I lay there between them as my fellow patients held theological arguments at high volume across my bed.

Abuse and Endometriosis

From the time I first began to menstruate, my periods were irregular and accompanied by severe cramps.  Endometriosis was ultimately diagnosed.  Child abuse has, also, been linked to endometriosis [4].

It would not be until my thirties that I obtained any relief.  Before that, each month I would swallow as many aspirin as I could tolerate, then lie prostrate on the bathroom floor, comforted by the cool tile until the pain passed.

Again, no one took me to an emergency room.  I remember the pain ending early one Christmas morning, after I had endured it for some ten days.  Julia Child was on TV at the time, demonstrating how to stuff a turkey.  I have retained a sentimental fondness for her ever since.

The day I took the scholarship exam for college, my period came on suddenly during lunch.  We had completed the morning session and were sitting in the cafeteria.

With the onset of cramps and bleeding, I rushed to the ladies room, but could find no sanitary napkins.  Desperate, I attempted unsuccessfully to insert my first tampon, all the while doubled over in pain.

Wave after wave of cramps rolled over me.  I broke out in a sweat.  For some reason, after forty minutes, the cramps stopped on their own.  I used toilet tissue to craft a make-shift pad, and rejoined the others in time to sit for the afternoon session.

I won a full scholarship, as a consequence.  With no thought to a career, I chose biology as my major out of wonder at the beauty of the world.  Medicine — since I tend to faint at the sight of blood — was never an option.

Years later, I, too, had a hysterectomy.  I had to be taken from my office by stretcher — moaning, but issuing last minute instructions to the staff as I went.

My then Office Manager, a close friend, stayed by my side.  This was no surprise.  We had done the office budget together one weekend, as her infant daughter lay asleep in a carrier on the floor at our feet.

Abuse and Chronic Back Pain

I have had many years of back pain.  A fall may have aggravated the scoliosis from which I suffer.  It, also, produced disc herniation.  But childhood trauma is frequently associated with chronic neck or back pain [5].

At times the pain has been so severe I have wondered if it would kill me.  Ultimately, I had to undergo a spinal fusion at the cervical level, then spend three months strapped into a brace.

The procedure necessitated a bone graft from my right hip.  The night before surgery, the nurse and I laughed together as we wrote on my left side in black marker, “Wrong Hip.”

Groggy from pre-anesthesia medication and fearful that a tube could damage my vocal chords, my last words to the anesthesiologist before surgery were, “Please, be careful.  I’m a lawyer.”  He undoubtedly thought I was issuing a threat.

I did not let my mother (who was seriously ill, herself, at the time) know about my surgery until it was over.

While I recuperated, a long-time friend, arranged to have meals sent to my home.  Another close friend drove me upstate to her summer place.
Continue reading

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The Rose Garden, Chapter 10 – Art Lessons

File:Dreirad 6340.jpg

Tricycle, Author NobbiP (GNU Free Documentation License Verson 1.2 or later, CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported, 2.5 Generic, 2.0 Generic, and 1.0 Generic)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me…” (Ps. 139: 23-24).

Early on, one of the older boys in the neighborhood did something unforgivable.  He borrowed my shiny, red tricycle without permission.  Outraged, I was not permitted to tell the grown-ups my side of the story when the tricycle overturned in the street, injuring him.

This small — now amusing — incident left a lasting impression on me.  It just may be the reason I became a lawyer.

Obedience and Authority

I attended a Catholic grammar school, run by the parish.  The Dominican nuns there emphasized obedience as the highest virtue.  Though I now recognize the spiritual significance of that virtue, their intention was likely more practical.  Class size for years exceeded sixty students.

I felt at some fundamental level that there were things more important than obedience.  Consequently, I developed a rebellious streak in response to this well-intended tutelage.  It was easier to rebel in school than at home.

My first grade teacher was universally lauded by parents and universally despised by the children under her care.  She ruled with absolute authority in her small universe, so much so that bathroom breaks were not tolerated if unscheduled.  Consequently, accidents in the classroom were frequent and deeply humiliating for the children involved.

I could not at six have said why these situations so angered me.  Nor could I understand why the adults around me seemed incapable of recognizing that the teacher was the one actually responsible for them.

Inauthenticity

My second grade teacher was a woman in her early sixties who encouraged the children in whom she saw intelligence or talent — at least those children who conformed to her expectations.

I was quick to perceive this, thriving on the added attention, though it served to drive a wedge between other classmates and myself.

I began in the second grade to experience a feeling of inauthenticity, and a sense of failure which pervaded my life for years [1].  I attribute this in part to the weekly art classes the teacher arranged for me at a nearby school.  Rather than a pleasure, those classes became a burden.

I had learned while I had measles how to make paper dolls.  Designing and drawing clothes came easily, and seemed a way to share in the glamor I associated with my mother, even when she was absent.

It may be that an interest in art ran in the family.  In Hungary, Grandma was renowned for her breathtaking paper flowers, extravagantly displayed at religious festivals.  This avenue of expression was unavailable to her in America.  Cut off from it, she drew inward.

My interest in art offered Grandma the chance to reconnect with a part of herself otherwise buried.  This was not something I realized at the time.

My art classes — if they could be termed that — consisted of little more than proximity to paints, pastels, and canvas.  The so-called classes were presided over by a nun we were instructed to call “Mother.”

I never knew the details of Mother’s life.  But, from the outset, I could feel her contempt.

Throughout the year, Mother collected students’ drawings and paintings for the ostensible purpose of compiling individual portfolios.  What she failed to disclose, either to parents or students, was that she independently re-worked each student’s output, herself.

Without doubt, the resulting pieces were less amateurish and more polished than when they had been submitted to Mother for safekeeping.  There were, also, forgeries.  The pieces reflected the level of her skill, rather than the aptitude of her pupils.  For me, this was another violation.

Though I repeatedly attempted to explain to adults that the art work was not truly “mine,” I was consistently praised for it.   My discomfort was compounded by the fact I was called on to show the work to my class at the end of each year.  That ultimately led to my abandonment of art.

Having purchased a costly mail order course for me shortly before her death, Grandma more than once asked, plaintively, “Anna, don’t you want to finish your art work?”  It breaks my heart that I disappointed her.
Continue reading

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Surviving Child Abuse, Part 1 -Impact

File:Child abuse awareness ribbon.jpg

Blue Ribbon for Child Abuse Awareness, Source flickr.com, Author Trauma And Dissociation Project (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

Childhood abuse — whatever form it may take, including exposure to family violence — can have long-term effects ranging from anxiety, depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), to eating disorders and more [1A][2A][3A].

Shame and Suicide Risk

Our self-esteem is in tatters.  The shame, itself, can be crippling — no matter how misplaced [4].  The risk of suicide is greatly increased [5A].

Physiological Effects

But not all effects are so obvious.  Child abuse is, for instance, thought to contribute to such chronic health issues as heart disease, as well as such autoimmune disorders as type 1 diabetes, psoriasis, fibromyalgia, inflammatory bowel disease, and rheumatoid arthritis [1B][2B][5B]. Continue reading

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Domestic Violence and Suicide

File:Day 353 - West Midlands Police - Tackling Domestic Violence (8284795632).jpg

West Midlands Police – Tackling Domestic Violence Campaign, Author West Midlands Police, United Kingdom (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

Historically, the focus in suicide prevention has been on men because of their longstanding higher suicide rate [1A].  This has overshadowed the growing rate of attempted suicide and self-harm among women, and the close link with domestic abuse.

“…when a woman presents to [mental health] services in suicidal distress it is likely that she’s a victim of domestic abuse.

–Sally McManus, Sr. Lecturer in Health at the Violence and Society Centre

A groundbreaking study in the United Kingdom last year found that women subjected to domestic abuse (physical, psychological, or economic) are three times more likely to attempt suicide [2A].

Women who have experienced sexual abuse within their relationship are seven times more likely to self-harm [2B].   And women are ten times more likely to experience sexual abuse by a partner than straight or gay men are [1B].

Intimidation, Threats, and Force

Domestic abusers attempt to control their victims through intimidation, threats, and/or actual force [3A].  Typically, they humiliate their partners; isolate partners from friends and family; rigidly regulate what partners may do; and deny partners access to money or other basic necessities [3B].

Emotional Toll

Fear, shame, learned helplessness, a perceived lack of support by family members and friends, hopelessness, and despair are likely to result [3C][4A].  Intimate partner victimization is associated with an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), in both men and women [4B]. Continue reading

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The Twins, Part 1 – Procrastination

File:Twin-tailed Siren or Mermaid, Hortus Sanitatis.jpg

“Twin-Tailed Siren” (c. 1501), illustration from Hortus Sanitatis published by Jacob Meydenbach, Source https://wwportal.com/ (PD)

This post was written in collaboration with Marie Williams whose remarks are highlighted.  Marie, a dear friend, has since gone home to be with the Lord.

“Most of my life has been spent circling or avoiding important things that I need to do and I get very frustrated with myself.  Sometimes, I find myself trying to locate passports or important papers at the 11th hour, when I’ve had ample time to deal with matters like this.”

-Marie Williams

Procrastination and perfectionism are patterns of behavior well familiar to abuse victims, twin destructive forces that have deep meaning for those who have suffered abuse.

We invest the necessary (the “shoulds” and “musts” of life) with the power to annihilate us, or at least demolish the fragile image we have of ourselves.  Then we defer, delay, and defer again – certain that we will fail to meet our own expectations.

Failure is a foregone conclusion, given that our expectations are, by definition, unattainable.

Let’s unpack that dynamic.

Real Deadline/Chaotic Life

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven…” (Eccl. 3: 1 NKJV).

Federal income taxes are due April 15.  This is a real deadline – not a secret and not a surprise.  Still, we delay gathering our tax receipts and other records together.

“You live in a state of confusion, and therefore mundane ‘every day’ matters become muddled and murky.  You cannot quite get to grips with simple but important tasks.  You know that you have to present your driving licence for identity and you know it’s in a box somewhere, but it really is too much trouble trying to locate it in good time.  So you (at the last minute) hunt around like crazy trying to find it – it happens not to be in the box you thought it was in, and you have to turn everything upside down to find it – and all this adds to the chaos of your already chaotic life.”

-Marie Williams

Created Dilemma

Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down…” (Prov. 12: 25 ESV).

We may dither over whether to rely on our long-time accountant; visit a less costly tax preparation agency; or use one of the computer programs which now allow us to do the taxes, ourselves.  We may put off making copies or doing something else insignificant, related to tax preparation.  What that is does not matter.

We, in other words, create the dilemma. Continue reading

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