Wishing All of You a Happy New Year!
FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com
Category Archives: Violence Against Women
Christmas Star
All of us were children once. What we survived over the years shaped our character and our lives.
At Christmas we celebrate the birth of another child, a Savior who came into this broken world for our sakes. We were not all rescued, but we can — because of Him — be redeemed.
Wishing All of You a Merry Christmas!
FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com
Mattress
Discarded mattress near trash bin, Author Eric Fischer
(Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic)
Though women are encouraged to be sexually active in our culture, they are not always treated kindly when they take that advice.
Mattress
A sexually available girl who has many partners.
Mattress Back
A girl who has sex so often, whether with the same partner (nympho) or many different ones (slut), that her back seems to be constantly on a mattress.
-Urban Dictionary
Child victims of sexual abuse must negotiate this terrain with care. The emotional scars they carry do not make that an easy task.
Some women abused in childhood will seek as adults to reclaim their bodies by initiating frequent, anonymous sex. For them, sex is an attempt at self-affirmation. But no amount of it will fill the void left behind by abuse [1].
Tragically, a great many prostitutes fall into this category [2]. Drug use to dull the pain is common in the sex trade [3].
Other women will engage in sex (often with many partners) in a desperate search for love. These are the girls passed from boy to boy in high school; the women who settle for one night stands, since nothing else is being offered. Continue reading
Passed Over at the Dance – Love and Failure
Image by Manuel Gugenhuber (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)
Many of us feel that we failed at love. We were passed over at the dance. We picked the wrong partners — those who did not or could not love us, those who loved us once but no longer care. Those who raised our hopes, then shattered our dreams. Those who simply walked away.
There are countless reasons for this. It may be that childhood abuse colored our choices. It may be that those choices were limited by our circumstances. It may be that a partner changed over the years…or that we changed. It may be that a partner was equally wounded from the start.
Rejection is heartbreaking. The end of love is heartbreaking. We think the years we invested were wasted, that our lives were wasted. That our love was poured out on sand.
But heartbreak and failure are not one and the same. Nearly everyone alive has experienced heartbreak, at one time or another. Sad love songs are more popular than upbeat ones.
God, Himself, is love (1 John 4: 16). He created us to know, love, and serve Him. We do that by obeying His laws (1 John 5: 2), and serving others (Eph. 2: 10).
None of us live up to God’s standards — not as we should, not on a constant basis. We stray. We make mistakes, despite our good intentions. But if we pour out our love, as best we can — whether on spouses, lovers, siblings, friends, children, or strangers — we have fulfilled the central purpose for which we were created (Luke 7: 47).
That is not failure. Whatever the outcome, that is not failure.
FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com
“Stages of Trauma Bonding” by Cynthia Bailey Rug
Image courtesy of Sandstone Care
Below is a post by the Christian author, Cynthia Bailey Rug. While this post is specifically directed toward the victims of narcissism, it is highly relevant to the victims of childhood abuse and/or domestic violence who are particularly vulnerable to trauma bonding.
Cynthia Bailey Rug blogs at https://cynthiabaileyrug.wordpress.com . The full text of this post dated 10/14/23 can be found there.
“Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a common & strange phenomenon among victims of ongoing abuse [1][2]. It happens when abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, & show their victims random kindnesses. Those kindnesses seem to prove to victims that their abuser isn’t all bad, & they really do care for their victim. That thinking bonds the victim to their abuser & makes them more willing to tolerate abuse.
Narcissists are exceptionally good at trauma bonding their victims to them. It happens very subtly & in gradually increasing stages of toxicity. Trauma bonding is much like the story of putting a frog in a pot of water. If the water is boiling when he goes in, he recognizes the danger & hops out immediately. But, if it’s warm & gradually the temperature increases to boiling, he won’t notice he’s in danger until it’s too late…
The first stage of trauma is love bombing. This is when the narcissist [or other abuser] showers you with love, praise & adoration. You can do no wrong. You are absolutely perfect!…Gifts can be a part of love bombing too…” Continue reading
Greatness
Dorothy Height (2008), Author Adrian Hood (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)
“Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has overcome to reach his goals.”
-Dorothy Height
Dorothy Height was an African American social worker, journalist, politician, and civil rights advocate [1]. She served as Chairperson of the Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights, and was a founding member of the National Women’s Political Caucus.
At the National Council of Negro Women, Ms. Height worked to end lynching in the South, restructure the criminal justice system, and increase voter registration. Presidents Dwight Eisenhower and Lyndon Johnson frequently sought her advice. Continue reading
Not Love
Andrew Tate on “Anything Goes with James English” podcast (2023). Source https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjYjLJpzeas, Author Anything Goes with James English (CC Attribution 3.0 Unported)
The social media “influencer” Andrew Tate who once contended that the victims of rape should bear responsibility for their violation has, himself, been charged in Romania with rape, human trafficking, and the formation of a crime syndicate to sexually exploit women [1][2].
Evidence exists of Tate and his cohorts coercing women into sexual acts [3][4]. Tate contends that he is innocent. Hopefully, the courts will sort this out, and the appropriate consequences will follow.
Another misogynist, even another rapist, is not news.
The larger question is why an egotist like Tate would have gained such popularity (particularly among young men), and why women so often fall prey to men like this.
Hypermasculinity
“Hypermasculinity” is the sociological term for a toxic form of masculinity characterized by the view that violence is virile; that danger is exciting; and that women should be treated with less regard than one would have for an animal [4].
To be a man, by this definition, is to be merciless and wholly self-centered. Continue reading
The Twins, Part 2 – Perfectionism
“Twins” (Late 18th – Early 19th Century) by unknown Iranian artist, Art Museum of Georgia (PD)
This post was written in collaboration with Marie Williams whose remarks are highlighted. Marie, a dear friend, has since gone home to be with the Lord.
We return to the topic of procrastination and perfectionism, related patterns of behavior in which many abuse victims find themselves trapped.
The part we play in creating our own dilemmas – the large and small crises in our lives stemming from procrastination – was discussed in Part 1 of this series.
Chance for Failure (Imperfection)
“…for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Tim. 1: 7).
Apart from the problems it would generate for anyone, failure – defined by many abuse victims as imperfection, to any small degree – results in shame and self-revilement for us. Since creating these dilemmas greatly increases our chance for failure, the question arises why we persist in creating them.
“The whole time I was procrastinating, I thought myself foolish, an idiot, a dunce, a failure, because who in their right mind, sees a fire starting or about to start, purposely hides the fire extinguisher, forgets where she has put it and then goes and reads a book, deciding to deal with the fire when it becomes bigger and more unmanageable? Because that is what procrastination amounts to when you come to think of it in rational terms. Yet I could not help myself.”
-Marie Williams
The obvious answer is that we do not believe ourselves capable of accomplishing the task at hand. Putting it off defers the painful acknowledgment of our own inadequacy. And it provides us an excuse for failure. Had conditions been right, had we started on the task sooner, perhaps we might have succeeded after all.
Again, the question is why. Why are we so certain of failure? This goes directly to our childhood abuse. On an unconscious level, we create these dilemmas to replicate the abuse which is what gives them such power over us.
We were told repeatedly how inadequate we were. Told how ugly, stupid, skinny, fat, or retarded we were. Told that we would never amount to anything. Or we were ignored entirely, starved for food and affection both.
No shock that we doubt and second guess ourselves, wrestling over decisions.
“I floundered when faced with choices. Wanting to please and be approved of ALL THE TIME, I became lost in my own lack of confidence. This, I think, was due to the fact that I couldn’t manage the abuse. I adopted the same response to situations which generated that same confusion in me.”
-Marie Williams
Failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our abusers are “proven” right. So it seems to us. Our failure couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the damage they inflicted on us. Nooo. Continue reading
The Twins, Part 1 – Procrastination
“Twin-Tailed Siren” (c. 1501), illustration from Hortus Sanitatis published by Jacob Meydenbach, Source https://wwportal.com/ (PD)
This post was written in collaboration with Marie Williams whose remarks are highlighted. Marie, a dear friend, has since gone home to be with the Lord.
“Most of my life has been spent circling or avoiding important things that I need to do and I get very frustrated with myself. Sometimes, I find myself trying to locate passports or important papers at the 11th hour, when I’ve had ample time to deal with matters like this.”
-Marie Williams
Procrastination and perfectionism are patterns of behavior well familiar to abuse victims, twin destructive forces that have deep meaning for those who have suffered abuse.
We invest the necessary (the “shoulds” and “musts” of life) with the power to annihilate us, or at least demolish the fragile image we have of ourselves. Then we defer, delay, and defer again – certain that we will fail to meet our own expectations.
Failure is a foregone conclusion, given that our expectations are, by definition, unattainable.
Let’s unpack that dynamic.
Real Deadline/Chaotic Life
“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven…” (Eccl. 3: 1 NKJV).
Federal income taxes are due April 15. This is a real deadline – not a secret and not a surprise. Still, we delay gathering our tax receipts and other records together.
“You live in a state of confusion, and therefore mundane ‘every day’ matters become muddled and murky. You cannot quite get to grips with simple but important tasks. You know that you have to present your driving licence for identity and you know it’s in a box somewhere, but it really is too much trouble trying to locate it in good time. So you (at the last minute) hunt around like crazy trying to find it – it happens not to be in the box you thought it was in, and you have to turn everything upside down to find it – and all this adds to the chaos of your already chaotic life.”
-Marie Williams
Created Dilemma
“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down…” (Prov. 12: 25 ESV).
We may dither over whether to rely on our long-time accountant; visit a less costly tax preparation agency; or use one of the computer programs which now allow us to do the taxes, ourselves. We may put off making copies or doing something else insignificant, related to tax preparation. What that is does not matter.
We, in other words, create the dilemma. Continue reading
Japanese Reforms
Appeal board made by participants in Flower Demo, Tokyo, Japan (2020), Author Breaklily (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)
Sexual violence against women has historically been associated with shame and stigma in Japan. The laws were drawn in such a way as to excuse the behavior of male defendants, while simultaneously disregarding women’s rights.
At last, however, the country has raised the age of consent from 13 to 16 years, and redefined rape to include non-consensual intercourse [1]. Proof of force is no longer a prerequisite to conviction. Photo voyeurism (including upskirting) has, also, been criminalized.
These long overdue reforms were prompted by Flower Demo, a Japanese movement protesting sexual violence against women [2][3]. Those taking part carried flowers to reflect their empathy for victims.
Several scandalous rape cases brought attention to the issue, drawing public outrage. One involved a highly intoxicated woman. Another involved a 15 y.o. her assailant had held pinned to a wall. Still another involved incest ongoing for a period of years.
Sin Nature
Violence against women is a byproduct of the sin nature of mankind. It is perpetuated by an attitude that women are mere sex objects, by the use of disparaging sexist language, and by the glorification of sexual assault.
Rape, in this context, is not just a notch on the assailant’s belt. It is an act of machismo, proof of masculinity (albeit toxic).
Any shame associated with the act is displaced to the victim.
This is not what God intended. When He created men and women, He created them as equals.
—
[1] BBC, “Japan redefines rape and raises age of consent in landmark move” by Kelly Ng, 6/16/23, https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-65887198.
[2] Wikipedia, “Flower Demo”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flower_Demo.
[3] Zenbird, “Flower Demo, the protests battling Japan’s sexual violence against women” by Kirsty Kawano, 11/25/20, https://zenbird.media/flower-demo-the-protests-battling-japans-sexual-violence-against-women/.
FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com
A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse and More 