Category Archives: Child Molestation

October 1, 2017 · 1:00 am

Punishing Ourselves, Part 1 – Numbness and Deprivation

Isolation cells at Fremantle Prison, Australia, Author Gnangarra (CC-BY-2.5-AU)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

“And Cain said to the Lord, ‘My punishment is greater than I can bear!’ ” (Gen. 4: 13).

Though there are some hideous punishments inflicted on children, I will not be focusing on those here.  I want instead to talk about the punishment we inflict on ourselves.  The two are linked.

As abuse victims, we come to believe ourselves deficient, sinful, unworthy of love.

We may be told this directly by curses, blows, and cigarette burns, or indirectly by food, warmth, and shelter denied; by affection, comfort, and encouragement withheld; by the absence of laughter, except at our expense; by the absence of protection from sexual predation; and, above all, by the absence of hope.

Whatever the details in our case, we come to see ourselves as guilty.  We may not be able to name the sins we committed to “deserve” our abuse.  But we are certain of our guilt.

It is as if we bear the mark of Cain without ever having committed the crime.

Punishment and Deprivation

“My soul has been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is” (Lam. 3: 17).

Those of us who were deprived of the basic necessities as children may deprive ourselves the same way as adults.

We cannot keep the refrigerator full or the pantry stocked.  We have difficulty using the new sheets, and may prefer sleeping on the couch or floor.  We resist purchasing a favorite food or appealing item of clothing for ourselves.  We take time off from work only reluctantly for a vacation.

Collateral to this, abuse victims who were physically and/or emotionally starved may hide food (or money and valuables) in secret spots around the house or yard.

While it may be painful to us, none of this behavior is a sign of “insanity” on our part.  It is simply a residual scar of the abuse inflicted on us, the rational response to irrational circumstances. Continue reading →

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September 24, 2017 · 1:00 am

The Side of the Angels

“Archangel Michael Tramples Satan” by Guido Reni (c. 1630), Santa Maria della Concezione, Rome, Author Andrew Graham Dixon for Yorck Project (PD-Art l Old-100)

“In the absence of light, darkness prevails.”

-Motto of the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense, “Hellboy” (Dark Horse Comics)

Heart wrenching tales of abuse could easily fill these pages.  Generally, I try to stay away from stories of that kind.  Too often, they leave us feeling helpless and hopeless.

When I do write about lost lives, the words are my poor attempt to honor those lives and bear witness to the loss.

It may be some small consolation that such children have gone home to God.  Their pain is over.  That should not, however, diminish our outrage.

There are, of course, countless unreported cases of abuse.  Names we will never know, though God is familiar with them all.

While those victims are gone, their struggle ended, our obligation is to fight on.  It is a way of fighting darkness and death, fighting evil.  We may not have been in a position to save the lives of those children.  But we can try to save our own.

Our struggle with darkness is not insignificant.  We may feel isolated, may feel that our scars are overwhelming.  And, in truth, those scars may last a lifetime.  Which makes our struggle all the more heroic.

If the lost children could speak, they would applaud our efforts.  They would wish us Godspeed.  They were not able to live in this sad world any longer.  But we may yet triumph for their sake.

In fighting the scars, the darkness, we are on the side of the angels.

“Praise the Lord, you His angels, you mighty ones who do His bidding, who obey His word.  Praise the Lord, all His heavenly hosts, you His servants who do His will…Praise the Lord, my soul” (Ps. 103: 20-22 NIV).

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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September 17, 2017 · 1:00 am

Satan and Abuse Victims

Image of Satan by Gustave Doré, in John Milton’s Paradise Lost (1866), Source https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/m/milton/john/paradise/complete.html (PD)

“All hope abandon, ye who enter here”

-Motto over the Gates of Hell, from Dante’s Inferno

Abuse victims know Satan all too well.  We have met him in the form of pedophiles and panderers; parents and caregivers who did not know how to love; partners who used and discarded us like so many unwanted toys.

Truth and Lies

We have been tormented by Satan in every way possible – mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually, and religiously, to the point that some of us have come to view death as a relief.

That statement about death is, of course, one of Satan’s lies.  But we have been told so many lies, we no longer recognize the truth.

Trust and Control

Where there is a history of abuse, the desire for control can be heightened.  Having been grievously harmed, we are determined not to be harmed again.  Which means trust is an issue for us.

Our wounds are so deep that some of us have vowed never to trust again.  In the interest of safety, we have willingly traded freedom for isolation.  A high price to pay.

But isolation is no guarantee of peace or safety.  That is just another of Satan’s lies.

Cries for Help

Most of us have cried out to God in our anguish.  Many have concluded that He long ago rejected us or simply does not exist (more of Satan’s lies).  A few of us have come to believe Satan is the stronger (a lie he gladly endorses).

Faith and Fear

It takes enormous faith to let down our guard, lay our defenses at God’s feet, and allow Him sovereignty over our lives.  Victims’ reluctance is more a reflection of fear than stubbornness; more a measure of the sins to which we were subjected, than those we committed ourselves.

Legalism and Self-Esteem

Acutely aware of our defects – real and imagined – and often rejected before, abuse victims are intensely sensitive to rejection.  Fearful that God will reject us, if we do offer to submit to His will, victims are flooded by feelings of inadequacy.

We must reclaim our self-esteem before we can surrender freely to God.  Otherwise the concept of surrender is likely to feel too threatening to us.  We were forced to submit to the evil inflicted on us.  The thought of submitting again – even to a good and holy God – can be overwhelming.

In the aftermath of abuse, we hardly dare assert ourselves, as it is.

This is not to say that we must be “perfect” or even “good” before God will come into our lives.  That is yet another of Satan’s lies.  God meets us where we are.

A frantic effort to “please” Him by doing good works (or flagellate ourselves for every failure) is unnecessary.  It amounts, in fact, to legalism – adherence to the letter of the law, at the expense of the spirit.  God does not ask this of us.

Our value in God’s eyes is not something to be earned at all.  It stems from the family relationship we have with God.  We are His beloved children.

Recognition of that profound truth can go a long way toward healing the wounds left by abuse.

“…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isa. 40: 31 NIV).

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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September 3, 2017 · 1:00 am

Self-Talk

Child sticking out his tongue, Author Augusto Starita (GNU Free Documentation License) (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

“Their tongue is an arrow shot out; It speaks deceit…” (Jer. 9: 8).

The Bible does not favor the tongue much.  That organ is instead described as crafty (Job 15: 5), lying (Ps. 109: 2), false (Ps. 120: 3), divided (Ps. 55: 9), and deceitful (Ps. 52: 4).  Job called it a scourge (Job 5: 21), with evil hidden beneath the sweetness (Job 12: 20).

As abuse victims, we experienced this firsthand.  The full force of the tongue was directed against us.  We were vilified and demeaned by our abusers, humiliated and reviled without a chance to defend ourselves.

Into the Marrow

“And their tongue [is] a sharp sword” (Ps. 57: 4).

Words can cut deeply, especially since children do not weigh their veracity.

Worse still, hurtful words can be absorbed into the marrow, becoming the vocabulary we use to converse with ourselves.  That inner dialog is, in effect, poisoned by the abuse to which we were subjected.

Unaware that there is any alternative, we rely on this polluted self-talk.

Unfortunately, what that does is perpetuate the lies with which we were barraged as children – that we were ugly, stupid, undeserving of attention or affection.  That we were perverted.  That we would not succeed in life, and stood no chance of finding love.

Exhausted and Mute

“My strength is dried up like a potsherd, And My tongue clings to My jaws…” (Job 22: 15).

This negative inner dialog renders us not only exhausted, but mute.  How can we begin to untangle the lies?  Who would want to hear our side of the story, in any event?

Even the mildest confrontation has us stumbling over our tongues.  Whatever the context, arguments in favor of our position are never articulated or fade away to silence.

Speaking Truth to Ourselves

 “In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues…” (Mark 16: 17).

But there is an alternative available to us.  It involves speaking God’s truth to ourselves.

We are not worthless in His sight.  In fact, the very opposite is true.  We are infinitely precious, so much so that God sent His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to die for our sakes. Continue reading →

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August 20, 2017 · 1:00 am

Preventing Teen and Pre-Teen Suicide

The band “Rockers Behind the Bridge” performs at Suicide Prevention Month event (2015), Washington DC, Author US Customs and Border Protection (PD-fed. govt.)

After 7 students committed suicide, the Mesa Valley School District in Colorado briefly took 13 Reasons Why — the book on which the Netflix series by the same name is based — out of circulation [1].  The ban lasted no more than a few hours.

Other school districts have made the book mandatory summer reading.

Romanticizing Suicide

13 Reasons Why is a work of fiction in which a high school girl kills herself, leaving behind tapes to be played after her death.  Critics of the book – myself included – view it as romanticizing suicide, without providing young readers an alternative perspective.

A Daily Assault

Our children are daily assaulted by a culture that lionizes physical appearance, popularity/fame, athletic ability, wealth, and conformity.

Most do not meet the requisite criteria, in one way or another.  Those who do not may be excluded from normal activities, made the butt of jokes, taunted, intimidated, told that they are worthless, and urged to commit suicide [2].

Some 4400 will take their own lives [3][4].  Suicide is, in fact, the third leading cause of death among young people.  Over 5000 middle and high school students in the United States attempt suicide daily.  Over 14% of high school students admit to having considered it.

As parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, and mentors of every sort, it is up to us to equip our children to deal with this barrage of insults, lies, and pain.

Reasons Not to Commit Suicide

The website Notes from the Recovering Self-Harmer provides a list of 40 reasons not to commit suicide [5].  Among them are the fact that suicide is final, the hope that things will get better, music, smiles, laughter, chocolate, and sunrises.

More even than these, the love of family, friends, and – above all else – God should anchor us.  But not all children have those to rely on.  When there is abuse (emotional/physical/sexual) or neglect in the home, the image of God can be greatly distorted. Continue reading →

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August 13, 2017 · 1:00 am

Everyday Evil

Internet user on a cell phone, Author Raidarmax (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

A young teacher traveling on Southwest Airlines caught sight of disturbing texts by the passenger seated ahead of her on the plane.  Michael Kellar was casually planning with Gail Burnworth to molest two children [1].

Thinking quickly, the unnamed teacher took cell phone photos of the texts.  She then informed the flight crew.

Kellar was arrested in San Jose, CA after the plane touched down; Burnworth was later arrested in Tacoma, WA.  Kellar maintained that he had merely been fantasizing.  His texts, however, revealed the truth.

Kellar is 56 y.o. and Burnworth 50 y.o.  The children they were planning to molest are 5 y.o. and 7 y.o.  Both children were rescued by law enforcement.  Evidently, Burnworth had been babysitting them.

“Folks that are doing these sort of things are literally all around us.  We don’t know who they are…They need to be punished and they need to be kept away from kids.”

-San Jose Police Sgt. Brian Spears, Q13 Fox TV [2]

Evil can be found everywhere.  Many make it part of their everyday lives.  We must remain alert to its presence, and protect ourselves against evil, without surrendering our peace of mind.

That is a difficult task.  We can easily feel overwhelmed, and certainly discouraged.  It often appears that evil is winning the day.

But God will not allow that.  He remains in charge, even when all hope is lost.  The battle between good and evil rages.  However, the war has been won.  It was won for us by Jesus Christ on the cross.

“Be sure of this:  the wicked will not go unpunished, but those that are righteous will go free (Prov. 11: 21).

—

[1]  ABC News, “Man arrested after Southwest passenger says she saw him texting ‘molesting children’ police say” by Julia Jacobo and Alex Stone, 8/3/17, http://abcnews.go.com/US/man-arrested-southwest-passenger-texting-molesting-children-police/story?id=49020167.

[2]  Washington Post, “An alert airline passenger exposed a suspected child predator after glancing at his texts” by Kyle Swenson, 8/4/17, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2017/08/04/an-alert-airline-passenger-exposed-a-suspected-child-sex-predator-after-glancing-at-his-text-messages/.

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July 30, 2017 · 1:00 am

Paralysis – Frozen by Fear, Part 2

“Courage, Anxiety, and Despair: Watching the Battle” by James Sant (c. 1850), Author Christie’s Auction House (Lot No. 5563227)(PD-Art l Old-100)

As abuse victims mature, we develop emotionally and intellectually, in the process acquiring new coping skills.  However, situations which call up the past for us, can still trigger the freeze response.

We may not be aware why this feels like familiar ground; may not be able to identify the similarity to prior events.  Triggers can be as subtle as an aroma, or the play of light on the water at a certain time of day.

Subtlety does not though make triggers absurd.  We have simply lost their original meaning.  It is deeply buried in our past.

Dealing with the Freeze Response

There are strategies victims can use to deal with anxiety and the freeze response [1].  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Distraction

Overthinking any problem will only increase the anxiety associated with it.  Distraction can provide temporary relief.  Options might include a good book, compelling movie, or engaging video game.  Online shopping, if to excess, is likely to cause problems of its own.

2. Physical Activity and Sensory Assault

Physical activity can interrupt the feedback loop of paralyzing anxiety.  For abuse victims in good condition, vigorous exercise like running, spin class, or racquetball can be helpful.

Some people find that several minutes of blaring music or other noise will bring them relief.  Applying ice water to the face, or drinking something vile-tasting can, also, work.  Alcohol is not recommended for this.

3. Opposite Action

This requires doing the very thing we fear, for a short period of time.  It is one of the techniques taught by Dialectical Behavior Therapy [2][3].  Even “pushing through” for a single minute is a start. Continue reading →

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July 23, 2017 · 1:00 am

Paralysis – Frozen by Fear, Part 1

Tiny mouse frozen in fear, Author Madhur D’silva (PD)

Abuse victims can experience anxiety so severe we are literally paralyzed with fear.  Berating ourselves for lack of nerve, for cowardice, for weakness and – worse yet – a lack of faith does little or no good.

That the situations which cause us such extreme anxiety do not always, on their surface, appear threatening only makes matters worse.  We can add to our list of faults childishness and irrationality.

None of this criticism is justified.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Most of us are familiar with the “fight or flight” response.

The body responds to perceived danger by preparing either to fight or flee.  The nervous system releases adrenaline and norepinephrine, increasing brain activity, blood sugar level, heart output, and blood flow to the muscles.  This response is automatic.  It is not under our volition.

Science has learned that freezing behavior is an aspect of the fight or flight response [1].  It is not uncommon for defenseless prey animals to freeze in place, when a predator is nearby.  Some may feign death, in a last-ditch effort to stop an attack.

Specific areas in the brain (the amygdala and hyppocampus) control freezing behavior.  Freezing is characterized by immobility, and measurable changes in blood pressure and heart rate.  It may, also, involve shortness of breath, perspiration, and/or a sensation of choking.

Trauma and the Freeze Response

“I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear” (Ps. 143: 4 NLT).

Human beings rely on freezing when the threat facing them is overwhelming, but it is clear they cannot escape.  This assessment is, for all practical purposes, unconscious; arrived at in a matter of milliseconds.  Freezing behavior is the result.

A form of dissociation, freezing acts to numb us against the horrors about to be inflicted on us.

Children are, by nature, vulnerable.  They have few, if any, defenses.  Freezing behavior may well be their only recourse.

For the freeze response to “thaw”, the perceived danger must pass.  However, in situations of chronic abuse, the danger is real and unrelenting.  The child is not afforded an opportunity to decompress, to let his/her guard down.

And the victim who freezes as a child is more likely to freeze as an adult.

“…such ‘paralyzing’ psychological phenomena as phobias, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and various anxiety states can frequently be understood as symptoms of a freeze response that never had the chance to ‘let go’ or ‘thaw out’ once the original experience was over.  And many features of post-traumatic stress disorder directly relate to this kind of unrectified trauma.”

-Leon Seltzer, PhD

—

[1]  Psychology Today, “Trauma and the Freeze Response:  Good, Bad, or Both?” by Leon Seltzer, PhD, 7/8/15, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201507/trauma-and-the-freeze-response-good-bad-or-both.

Strategies for coping with anxiety and the freeze response will be addressed next week in Part 2

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July 16, 2017 · 1:00 am

Negative

Photographic negative of London’s “Big Ben” (picture taken from a bus), Author Diane from Chicago suburb, Source flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

Photos used to come with negatives when I was a girl.  These were reverse images on strips of plastic film, with light areas appearing dark, dark areas appearing light, and colors reversed.

We would sort through our photos for the best, then resubmit the corresponding negatives for processing, so that copies and enlargements could be made from them.

Instead of storing images as patterns of darkness and light, today’s digital cameras store images as long strings of numbers.  Film isn’t, strictly speaking, necessary.  But negatives have something to teach us.

Hard on Ourselves

As abuse victims, we find it easy to be hard on ourselves.  It’s second nature to us – as if we were specially trained to see only the negative aspects of our lives.  And, of course, we were.

We question our every action, criticize our every decision – past, present, and future:

  • Why couldn’t we have avoided the situations in which abuse occurred or have prevented it outright? As if children had such options…or such power.
  • Why did it take us so long to figure things out? As if abuse weren’t incomprehensible to children, and understanding proceeded according to a set timetable.
  • Why do we keep making the same mistakes? As if abuse had not impacted us at a formative stage in our lives.
  • How will we ever leave our abusers, support ourselves, succeed at work or school? As if we were “damaged goods” for having survived an unbearable ordeal.

This ongoing critique should not be confused with a genuine effort to improve our character or atone for some sin [1].  It originated as an attack by our abusers on who we are, an attack on our very being.

Judgment Passed

Judgment has already been passed against us by our abusers.  We are simply carrying out their sentence – lifelong punishment for the failure to meet insane expectations, for the unpardonable “sin” of intruding on their lives.

But judgment was passed without any real evidence. Continue reading →

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July 2, 2017 · 1:00 am

Of Ogres and Onions, Part 2

“Still Life in White” by Antonio Sicurezza (1972), (PD)

Self-hatred is not productive in the pursuit of change.  Self-forgiveness (as hard for abuse victims to accept as moderation) actually shortens the recovery time from what we may view as “failures” and backsliding.

But self-forgiveness is not a skill abuse victims are taught as children.  We must acquire it on our own.

Here are a few suggestions [1][2][3]:

  1.  Define the infraction, and identify the injured party.

In the context of attempts to move beyond our abusive past, victims are, for the most part, the injured parties [4].  We fail ourselves, and experience overwhelming shame.

The inner dialog goes something like this:

“How stupid of me not to speak up.  That saleswoman must have thought I was an idiot.  I’m sure she could tell I didn’t want the sweater.  I already have a nice sweater.   Besides, the new one is hideous.  If I wasn’t able to speak up in a department store, how am I ever going to speak up in class?  It’s too late for me anyhow.  It was ridiculous to think I could go back to school at my age.”

  2.  Put things in perspective.

Have you started World War III?  No.  Have you abused any children?  Again, the answer is no.  You have bought a sweater which can be returned, given as a gift, worn to an “ugly sweater” party, donated, or discarded outright.

  3.  Tease out the negative feelings.

You have, in a single instance, been less assertive than desired.  That can be remedied the next time.  You can visualize returning the sweater; can even memorize and practice a script.  You can buy sweaters to your heart’s content, and return them all.

And if a saleswoman is unimpressed with your taste, your demeanor, or your credit, what on earth does it matter?  The episode has nothing do with your school performance.  You simply projected your fears forward.

  4.  Be kind to yourself.

Ask yourself whether you would hold anyone else to the high standards you hold yourself, or criticize anyone else as harshly.  Chances are you are kinder to others than to yourself.

If you don’t feel “deserving” of kindness, try it anyway.  Encouragement produces far better results with abuse victims than rebuke. Continue reading →

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