Cartoon image of woman using profanity, Author Unknown, (CC0 1.0 Universal Public Dedication)
Both child abuse and domestic abuse can leave lasting scars on our lives. One of these is the tendency to see abusers where they do not exist. Innocent gestures, innocent remarks by those who have never harmed us can be misperceived as predatory. In response, we may go on the attack.
This response on our part may seem a minor difficulty. After all, “better safe than sorry,” as the saying goes. In reality, however, it can damage careers and destroy relationships.
Our co-workers and partner or spouse are not likely to understand why we are being defensive. In the workplace, that can provoke conflict, leading to false accusations, formal investigations, and dismissal. In the home, it can lead to unnecessary arguments, emotional distance, and ultimately divorce.
Hypervigilance/Cognitive Distortion
The feeling that everyone is an abuser can be a sign of hypervigilance and trauma-related cognitive distortion [1][2][3]. We are so alert to danger that we see it everywhere, even when it is not present. This pattern is particularly common when the genuine abuse we experienced involved enforced isolation, surveillance, or constant provocation.
Anxiety
Unfortunately, seeing everyone as an abuser can reduce the trust we have in others, increasing our anxiety and fear of social contact. That makes it harder to form healthy relationships, reinforcing a cycle of isolation and self-blame.
Steps Toward Change
Recognizing our distorted thinking can be a step toward change. Hypervigilance is a learned response. Keeping a journal, and noting when our perceptions were accurate and when they were not, can be of great assistance.
Seeking the input of trusted friends and licensed mental health professionals is another helpful approach. Positive experiences of any kind can “recalibrate” the brain’s threat detection.
It is possible to recover a more balanced perspective, and reclaim our trust of others.
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[1] Healthline, “What Is Hypervigilance?” by Timothy Legg PhD, 3/21/23, https://www.healthline.com/health/hypervigilance.
[2] Wikipedia, “Hypervigilance”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypervigilance.
[3] Cogntive Psychology, “Cognitive Distortions”, https://www.cognitivepsychology.com/Cognitive_Distortions.
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A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse and More 
There’s a lot of nuance here. It’s easy to focus on the obvious damage abuse causes, but the way it can reshape trust and perception is something many of us don’t think about. Thought-provoking read.
Thank you, Scott. Yes, the scars of abuse can take many forms.
I deal with this very thing myself, Anna. Past experiences have left their mark on me to the point that it takes a very long time for me to allow others “in” to the point I feel they can be trusted. This has been a major hindrance, as you can imagine. Still, I cast my cares upon Him and ask Him to lead and guide me in all sit, including relationships.
I, too, will carry the scars of abuse to my grave, Ron. But my hope and my sustenance is Christ my Savior.
Christ our hope!
Thank you for sharing this, Anna. Healing has been a journey of learning the difference between old fears and present reality. It has taught me that not everyone is the enemy, even when past hurts make it feel that way. Learning to trust again is hard, but it’s worth it.
Thank you for your input, Mary. I fully agree.
This response is not surprising following abuse and trauma. It is also to be expected that victims should cover their vulnerability with encounters including complete strangers. Thank you for this article Anna.