Tag Archives: low self-esteem

July 27, 2025 · 1:00 am

Invisible Wounds – Emotional Abuse

Mimi & Eunice Cartoon:  “Posture”, Source https://mimiandeunice.com/2011/10/20/posture/, Author Nina Paley, (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

“Ugh.  I hate the sight of your ugly face.”

“I wish I’d never had you.  I should have gotten an abortion.”

“You’re useless.  You’ll never amount to anything.”

“How can you be so stupid?  No wonder you have no friends.”

“Now, look what you made me do.  It’s all your fault.”

“No one could love you.  No one ever will.”

Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars.  But the wounds go deep.  We may as well have scalding water dumped over us.

Emotional abuse is often mischaracterized as a less damaging form of child abuse.  To the contrary, the American Academy of Pediatrics calls it, “the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect” [1A]. 

Such abuse can carry over into adult relationships [2].  We settle for what we think we deserve.  There is, therefore, a clear link to domestic abuse [3].

Emotional abuse of children may be accompanied by physical neglect, physical abuse, or sexual abuse. 

However, there is credible evidence that the victims of emotional abuse and emotional neglect exhibit equal or worse immediate and long-term effects than the survivors of other forms of maltreatment and violence [1B].

Types of Emotional Abuse

A. Cruelty

Emotional abuse can involve name calling; constant criticism; negative remarks about a child’s (or later an adult partner’s) appearance, intellect, abilities, hopes, and dreams; cruel jokes at a child’s (or later an adult partner’s) expense; deliberate humiliation; and threats of violence or abandonment [4A]. 

A parent may permanently damage a child’s self-esteem simply by withholding all kind and encouraging remarks [4B].

B. Manipulation

There are other varieties of emotional abuse, no less harmful to a child.  These can range from manipulating or scapegoating a child; failing to promote a child’s social development by forbidding friends, and forcing isolation on a child; to making a child the parent’s emotional partner (covert incest); or exposing a child to traumatic events like domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse [4C].

C. Excessive Control

Children can be damaged if they are pushed too hard, in order to fulfill a parent’s own ambitions, or controlled so closely that they have no lives of their own [4D].

D. Emotional Neglect

At the other extreme, children can be emotionally harmed, if they are regularly ignored [4E]. 

Failure by a parent to interact at all with a child is known as emotional neglect.  This can occur if, for instance, a parent suffers from serious mental illness.  It can be devastating for the child, even if he or she is otherwise fed and clothed.

E. Domestic Abuse

In the context of domestic violence, emotional abuse is often accompanied by extreme jealousy; isolation; enforced dependence; and coercive control by the abusive partner over money, travel, and communication with family and friends [5A]. Continue reading →

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February 23, 2025 · 1:00 am

Vigilance, Part 1 – Neglect

“Color Coded” (2022) by Tania Love Abramson, a survivor of chronic sexual abuse, Image courtesy of AMA Journal of Ethics https://journalofethics.ama-assn.org

There are a thousand ways to harm a child.  The evidence of child abuse may be subtle or more obvious.  To remain vigilant against such abuse, those of us concerned for the welfare of children must learn to recognize the warning signs.

This series of posts will address such warning signs.  The signs here are derived from lists compiled by Prevent Child Abuse America [1A].  They fall into 4 categories:  neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.  More often than not, these categories will overlap in the experience of a child.

No single warning sign, by itself, is considered definitive.  Occurring repeatedly or in combination, however, these signs warrant further investigation.

General

The general signs that child abuse may be present in a family include unusual wariness on the part of a child; sudden changes in a child’s behavior; deterioration in a child’s school performance; and learning disabilities on a child’s part unrelated to an identifiable medical or psychological condition.

But the children of abuse may, also, be overachievers, anxious to please.

That said, we will begin with neglect.

Neglect

Child neglect involves the failure to provide for a child’s basic needs for nurture, nutrition, shelter, education, healthcare, and safety.

Neglect can be difficult to distinguish from poverty.  Sadly, there are children in this country who still do not get enough to eat, even in an otherwise loving home. Continue reading →

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November 17, 2024 · 1:00 am

The Rose Garden, Chapter 14 – The Inner Critic

File:Depression man.png

Depression, Source https://pixaby.com, Author pixaby user GDJ, (Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication)

“Why are you cast down, O my soul?  And why are you disquieted within me?…” (Ps. 42:11).

I first began experiencing depression, another of the scars of child abuse, in my teens.

Depression is a thought disorder.  It results when the brain does not deliver chemical messages (known as “neurotransmitters”) correctly, thereby interfering with accurate communication between one cell and another.

The connection between child abuse and depression has been clearly established [1].  I can trace the condition’s origins directly to that moment in the course of the abuse when I abandoned hope.

Depression has been a frequent presence in my life.  To varying extent, I can feel the snare daily, but will not give in to it.  To do so would be to let darkness conquer.

For me, chiefly the triggers for depression are situations in which I feel powerless, and failures at love.  These evoke the emotions of the molestation with devastating impact.

When depression is at its worst, the self-contempt is unbearable.  The internal dialogue can be vicious.  What a worthless piece of trash I am!  No wonder my life has been pointless.  This useless heart of mine would be better off torn from my chest.

Continue reading →

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October 27, 2024 · 1:00 am

The Rose Garden, Chapter 11 – Secrets

File:Little girl on swing.jpg

Girl on a swing, Source https://flickr.com, Author Luiz Carlos (Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

“For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light” (Luke 8: 17).

Since my father often worked nights, he slept late during the day.  This required that we girls make no noise which might disturb him.  We were constantly cautioned about this.

If we were still awake when he came home at night, giggling in bed was strictly forbidden.  My father would pound on the ceiling with a broomstick, or stand at the foot of the stairs and shout unspecified threats up toward us.

This produced sheer panic on our part.  It did nothing to diminish our love for him.

Anger, Insecurity, and Tenderness

Though my father’s anger pervaded our young lives, anger was not the sole emotion to which we were exposed [1].

Gnawing insecurity about his own abilities manifested in a lack of confidence on my father’s part that either my sister or I would ever make our way in the world.  That projected insecurity is something we have had to fight against.

It was, I believe, coupled with a failure on my father’s part to recognize his children as distinct from himself.  Such a failure is characteristic of narcissism [2].

Yet, there were times when he treated us with genuine tenderness.  This is the source of trauma bonding.

My father enjoyed pushing me on the swings when I was little.  The higher I went the better he liked it, and the more he encouraged me.  That I had a morbid fear the swings would come loose from their moorings and topple over, I did not mention to him.  Love was defined by the willingness to sacrifice — even one’s life.

I remember the time my father ate the peel off an apple for me at the park, leaving behind the juicy fruit.  I still have the small piggy bank Pop bought for me at the zoo.

He affectionately referred to my sister (who owned a yellow raincoat) as his “yellow bubble.”  He scrambled eggs for us just the way we liked them.  He brought home an endless supply of cold cuts, cakes, and pies from the store.

It was my father who stayed with me on an unusual outing to the racetrack.  Since I was too young to be permitted entry to the track, we stood outside the gate in the rain, while my mother went inside to place her bets.

On another occasion, my father arranged for an acquaintance to take us flying in a private plane.  Only years after my father’s death did I learn from my mother how he agonized over our safety during that flight.

My father drove us around the neighborhood each year to see the Christmas lights.  He would take us through the car wash with him — something I found thrilling, and my sister upsetting.  My father was, also, the one who taught me to drive.

I came home from those sessions numb, Dad’s voice ringing in my head.  “No!  No!  Keep away from the divider!  You’re not going fast enough.  You have to predict what the other drivers will do.”  How to predict the actions of other drivers — or, more importantly, his own — my father never conveyed.

Early on, I had a major accident while my mother and sister were passengers in the car.  My sister was about fourteen at the time.  The first thing I saw, after coming to, was the blood running down her face.

Despite that, she never once refused to ride with me.  She simply gathered up her nerve, and got back in the car.  As a result, I regained my confidence behind the wheel.

Once I had my license, my sister and I could drive north on the Palisades Parkway and picnic alongside.  These are some of my sweetest memories. Continue reading →

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May 12, 2024 · 1:00 am

BOOK REVIEW: Yeshiva Girl

Set in a Jewish household and written in the first person, Yeshiva Girl by Rachel Mankowitz is a novel on the difficult topic of incest.  It is well worth the read.

The book’s main character, Isabel, is a 15 y.o. girl grappling with the range of emotions the trauma of her father’s sexual advances produced in her.  Not surprisingly, the sexual abuse and family dysfunction profoundly impact her sense of self-worth.

Rachel tells this poignant story in a simple, straightforward manner.  We experience Isabel’s isolation, her confusion and inner turmoil.  We come to know her sorrows, anxieties, and disappointments.  We feel her suppressed rage.

What distinguishes this book is the author’s examination through Isabel’s eyes of the place of religion in sexual abuse.  Isabel’s father professes to be an observant Jew, yet clearly feels no compunction about molesting her.  Her mother and grandmother have not rescued her. Continue reading →

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April 28, 2024 · 1:00 am

Domestic Violence and Suicide

File:Day 353 - West Midlands Police - Tackling Domestic Violence (8284795632).jpg

West Midlands Police – Tackling Domestic Violence Campaign, Author West Midlands Police, United Kingdom (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

Historically, the focus in suicide prevention has been on men because of their longstanding higher suicide rate [1A].  This has overshadowed the growing rate of attempted suicide and self-harm among women, and the close link with domestic abuse.

“…when a woman presents to [mental health] services in suicidal distress it is likely that she’s a victim of domestic abuse.”

–Sally McManus, Sr. Lecturer in Health at the Violence and Society Centre

A groundbreaking study in the United Kingdom last year found that women subjected to domestic abuse (physical, psychological, or economic) are three times more likely to attempt suicide [2A].

Women who have experienced sexual abuse within their relationship are seven times more likely to self-harm [2B].   And women are ten times more likely to experience sexual abuse by a partner than straight or gay men are [1B].

Intimidation, Threats, and Force

Domestic abusers attempt to control their victims through intimidation, threats, and/or actual force [3A].  Typically, they humiliate their partners; isolate partners from friends and family; rigidly regulate what partners may do; and deny partners access to money or other basic necessities [3B].

Emotional Toll

Fear, shame, learned helplessness, a perceived lack of support by family members and friends, hopelessness, and despair are likely to result [3C][4A].  Intimate partner victimization is associated with an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), in both men and women [4B]. Continue reading →

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October 22, 2023 · 1:00 am

Relapse

File:EB1911 Greek Art - Foot-race - Panathenaic Vase.jpg

Foot-race at the Panathenaea (c. 800 BC – 480 BC), reverse of an ancient Greek vase, Source Encyclopædia Britannica (11th ed.), (PD)

Despite decades of counseling, abuse victims may struggle with the scars of their trauma for a lifetime.  This is a discouraging truth whether applicable to alcohol or drug abuse, eating disorders, cutting, or other self-destructive behaviors stemming from the abuse.

When we do relapse the shame returns full force.  But the conclusions we draw from our relapse are important.

Not Worthless or Hopeless

That we have relapsed does not mean that we are worthless and our situation hopeless.  It simply means that we are human beings who have been deeply wounded.

Survival Skills

Nor does relapse mean that the survival skills we struggled to acquire have been proven useless.  We have simply set them aside, in favor of more familiar and more damaging behaviors [1]. Continue reading →

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July 16, 2023 · 1:00 am

Abuse and Defensiveness, Part 2

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/dd/Cath%C3%A9drale_d%27Amiens%2C_fa%C3%A7ade_-_d%C3%A9tail.JPG

Depiction of Final Judgment on the facade of Amiens Cathedral, France, Author Savant-fou (CC BY- SA 3.0 Unported)

We continue our discussion of defensiveness with an examination of the impact of this psychological defense mechanism on relationships, and the tactics abuse victims can use to stop relying on it.

Impact of Defensiveness

When defensiveness is frequently employed by partners (romantic and otherwise), it is likely to become a vicious cycle with both parties critical and entrenched in their positions before any real discussion of an issue can take place [1A][2A].

Situations easily become tense and hostile.  Everything seems to escalate into a fight [2B].  Issues are never resolved.

In a business context, this is likely to cause isolation from colleagues, and may put a job in jeopardy [2C][3A].  In a romantic context, it will interfere with empathy and intimacy, ultimately becoming destructive to the relationship [1B][3B].

Tactics to Overcome Defensiveness

Professional counseling is one technique for overcoming defensiveness (along with underlying mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and PTSD), particularly as such counseling will increase our awareness of the problem [1C][4A].  Journaling can, also, assist, in this regard [4B].

Acknowledging (rather than attempting to deflect) our feelings can help validate them, and defuse a situation before it gets out of hand [4C].  This allows us to remain calm, listen, express empathy, and focus on the issue at hand without rushing to judgment [2D][4D].

Taking responsibility for something we may truly have done wrong is an opportunity for growth, not a sign of weakness [4E].

Other tactics include building self-esteem, and learning more beneficial communication skills [1D].  Assertiveness training is, for instance, available [5].

Once we recognize the triggers for our defensiveness and understand what may be prompting it, we can more readily ask ourselves what behaviors might be more effective in achieving the specific outcomes we desire while preserving the relationships we value [1E].

Recognition and Eternal Rewards

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ” (Col.  3: 23-24).

This is a flawed and broken world.  We will not always receive from it the justice we believe we deserve or the recognition we desire.  As followers of Christ, we will, in fact, be rejected, reviled, and persecuted (1 Peter 4: 12).

God, however, knows our hearts, as well as our failings.  He knows the experiences, positive and negative, which have shaped our lives.  He knows our pain, and our good intentions, whether we can fully express them or not.

Since He sees and knows all things — but loves us immeasurably, despite that — excuses before God are worthless (Luke 8: 17).  Imperfect as we are, He purchased us at the price of His blood.  This makes defensiveness with Him unnecessary, reducing the pressure on us to employ it with others.

God alone is the final Judge, in any case, the only One whose opinion of us really matters in the end.

—

[1A through 1E]  Healthy Love & Money, “What Is Defensiveness and How It Becomes a Vicious Cycle” by ED Coambs MBA, MA, MS, LMFT, 10/20/22, https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/what-is-defensiveness-and-how-it-becomes-a-vicious-cycle.

[2A through 2E]  Verywell Mind, “How to Stop Being Defensive” by Sanjana Gupta, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-defensive-7187366.

[3A and 3B]  Wikipedia, “Defensive communication”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defensive_communication.

[4A through 4E]  Verywell Mind, “What Is Defensiveness?” by Arlin Cuncic MA, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-defensiveness-5115075.

[5]  Wikipedia, “Assertiveness”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness.

Part 1 in this series was posted last week.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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July 9, 2023 · 1:00 am

Abuse and Defensiveness, Part 1

File:Richard Humphreys, the Boxer MET DP167133.jpg

“Richard Humphreys:  The Boxer” by John Hoppner (1778-1788), Metropolitan Museum of Art (Accession No. 53.113), Source/Photographer https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/436691 (Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Donation)

“Defensiveness is where you try to convince the other person not to think negatively of you, where you defend yourself, where you try to make sure you don’t get found guilty by the court.  Assertiveness is merely stating the truth.”

-Dan Munro [1]

Defensiveness is a psychological defense mechanism which involves justifying our actions when we experience shame, sadness, and/or anger as the result of perceived criticism [2A][3A].

Defensiveness is distinct from assertiveness in the defense of our rights.  One is emotion driven, an attempt (conscious or unconscious) to deflect blame to our opponent, and often related to anxiety or low self-esteem.  The other is simply a confident and reasoned communication style, which stops short of aggression [4].

Connection to Abuse

Abuse — whether emotional, physical, sexual, or arising from neglect — is a recognized cause of defensiveness [2B][3B][5].  Since we were unable to protect ourselves against abuse as children, it is entirely possible that we may become reflexively defensive as adults.

Domestic abuse can, also, result in defensiveness.

Continue reading →

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November 22, 2020 · 1:00 am

Abuse and Cutting, Part 1

Healed scars from prior self-harm, Author James Heilman, MD (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

Mental health issues including drug abuse and suicide are known to be long-term consequences of child abuse [1A][3].  Non-Suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI), more commonly known as cutting, is another [1B][4A].

Definition

NSSI is defined as the deliberate damaging of the surface of the skin – whether by scratching, cutting, piercing, or burning – but without suicidal intent [1C][2A].

“After I’d seen the blood, it was like a release of anger or some sort of release.  I can’t really explain the feeling, but it was just a release.”

-Alex [6]

According to the Mayo Clinic, this type of self-harm is a maladaptive means of coping with profound emotional pain, anger, or frustration [2B].

Cutting (in whatever form) acts to distract from internal turmoil; restore a sense of control (at least over the body, if not the underlying situation); inflict punishment; and communicate distress to the world [2C].

Though cutting may bring temporary relief, calm is generally followed by guilt and shame [2D][7A].  Soon enough, the troubling emotions return.  More-serious (even fatal) harm can follow.

Prevalence

Studies have shown cutting to be extremely common among adolescents.  Over 20% of adolescents are now thought to self-harm at some point [7B].   Approximately 18% continue into adulthood [1D].  This does not make the practice benign. Continue reading →

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