Category Archives: Sexual Abuse

December 4, 2016 · 1:00 am

Blue Christmas

Blue Christmas ornament, Author Kristina Servant, Source https://www.flickr.com/photos/xkristinax/8230065092 (CC BY-2.0 Generic)

Blue Christmas ornament, Author Kristina Servant, Source https://www.flickr.com/photos/xkristinax/8230065092 (CC BY-2.0 Generic)

WARNING: Graphic Images

“I’ll have a blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me.”

– “Blue Christmas”, Elvis Presley

The holidays can be a difficult time for abuse victims, especially those of us suffering from depression.  We cannot help but compare the idealized scenes of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Diwali festivities with our own childhood experiences.

Even the “best” of holiday gatherings may have been rife with tension.  All too often, there was little to be joyful about.

Targets

Children in dysfunctional homes do not receive the care and attention they deserve.  Through no fault of their own, they may become the targets of their parents’ rage or neglect.

There are numerous reasons for this [1].  A child may have been the product of an unwanted pregnancy or hard delivery; may seem in some way “abnormal” or resemble someone toward whom the parent has harsh feelings.  A parent may actually be jealous of the child.  None of these reasons justifies abuse.

Uneven Affection

Affection, if it is given at all, can be unevenly distributed.  One child may be showered with gifts and praise, while another is heaped with scorn – made the target of punishment and criticism, with the favored child encouraged to join in.  This can warp the relationship between siblings or destroy it outright.

Substance Abuse

Substance abuse only aggravates the situation.  Holiday memories pile on holiday memories:  Christmas trees toppled; presents non-existent or smashed in anger; an intoxicated parent in a stupor on the lawn, reeking. Continue reading →

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November 27, 2016 · 1:00 am

Gratitude

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, Author Jon Harder, (Gnu Free Distribution License, and CC-BY 2.5 Unported)

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Author Jon Harder, (GNU Free Documentation License, and CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

“ ‘Thank you’ more complex than at first viewed when examined thoroughly through the lens of the human experience.”

– Marie Williams, https://mariewilliams53.wordpress.com/2016/10/07/guest-blog-post-thank-you-in-marie-williams-exact-words/

That statement about the phrase “thank you” has great significance.

Those of us deprived by childhood abuse of the basic necessities of love and nurture may well be deadened, emotionally.  The human connection that the words “thank you” signify may actually feel threatening to us.  Sadly, that connection has been foreign to us, outside our experience.

At a minimum, we are likely to doubt we have anything of worth to offer the world…anything to prompt thanks from others.

But deprivation heightens the capacity for gratitude.  Skip a single meal.  Sleep a single night on a park bench or huddle against the cold, under a makeshift cardboard shelter.  Then go home again to a full plate and a warm bed, a solid roof over your head.  See whether your perspective has not changed.

The smallest kindness is magnified a thousand times over for abuse victims.  A word or gesture of concern feels like rain on the desert to us.  A thoughtful act can sometimes save a life.

As victims (who, incidentally, make up a large percentage of the homeless), we may not be able to express our thanks, not adequately.  But we will treasure that simple phrase or gesture as if it were precious gold.

To us, it is.  The words “thank you” acknowledge that we have been seen, that we exist.  They imply, above all, that we are human and worthy of acknowledgment.  That is healing balm to our wounds, even if we cannot vocalize a response.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever” (1 Chron. 16: 34).

Wishing you all a Happy Turkey Day!

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

 

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November 13, 2016 · 1:00 am

Anxiety, Phobias, and PTSD – Part 2

There are healthy coping strategies for dealing with anxiety.

Lifestyle Changes

Routines, such as taking a daily walk or reading at lunch, can be helpful in alleviating anxiety.  Scheduling time to decompress from the worries of the day can, also, help.  This should be away from cell phones and other distractions.

Exercise is a natural de-stressor.

Sleep hygiene can be important, since restful sleep enables us to recharge our mental batteries.  This should involve regular times to turn in at night and arise mornings, along with a bedtime routine which encourages relaxation.  Video games should be avoided just before bed.

Therapy

Phobias are often reduced in severity using behavior modification (specifically “desensitization” therapy).  This involves repeated exposure to the fear-producing stimulus under safe conditions.

Talk therapy has, also, been found to be helpful, especially with social anxiety [1].  Biofeedback, which involves controlled breathing and other techniques, may be useful in reducing anxiety.

Medications

Numerous medications exist today to treat anxiety, including serotonin-specific re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and anti-depressants [2].  A knowledgeable psychiatrist should be consulted about these.

Spirituality

Meditation and, of course, prayer can provide relief.

THINGS THAT NEED NO LONGER TROUBLE BELIEVERS

The Past

“Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43: 18-19).

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Cor. 5: 17).

The Present

“ ‘Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?’ ” (Matt. 6: 25-26).

The Future

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jer. 29: 11).

Being Unloved

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3: 16).

Being Useless or Worthless

“There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.  There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord.  And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all” (1 Cor. 12: 4-6).

Being Lost

“ ‘What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it?’ ” (Luke 15: 4).

“In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Ps. 3: 6).

Being Abandoned

“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you” (Deut. 31: 6).

“ ‘…and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age’ ” (Matt. 28: 20).

—

[1]  HelpGuide, “Therapy for Anxiety Disorders” by Melinda Smith, MA, Robert Segal, MA, and Jeanne Segal, PhD, last updated 10/16, http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/therapy-for-anxiety-disorders.htm.

[2]  In my view, faith and medicine are not at odds.  Medicine is a general blessing by God to mankind.  The miraculous cures by Christ were intended as a sign that He was the Messiah, not as a rejection of medicine.  Christ, Himself, referred to medicine, in response to the Pharisees.  He is quoted as saying, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick” (Matt. 9: 12).

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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November 6, 2016 · 1:00 am

Anxiety, Phobias, and PTSD – Part 1

“The Scream” by Edvard Munch (1893), National Gallery, Norway (Accession No. NG.M.00939), Source WebMuseum (PD)

“God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea…” (Ps. 46: 1-2).

Most people have experienced anxiety, in one situation or another.

The death of a loved one, divorce, serious illness, job loss, and moving are recognized as major stressors [1].  Other anxiety producing occasions include public speaking (always a favorite), waiting on approval for a mortgage, meeting a girlfriend’s parents for the first time, and having the in-laws over for Thanksgiving.

Then, of course, there are a host of phobias.  As a general rule narrowly focused, phobias are no small matter for those suffering from them.  Phobias include the fear of heights, spiders, snakes, birds, tight spaces, bridges, flying, and blood [2].

Purpose of Anxiety

Anxiety is intended to alert us to potential danger, and prepare the body for it.

A part of the brain called the amygdala releases neuro-transmitters that initiate the so called “fight of flight” response, producing the sensations of anxiety [3].  The heart rate climbs; blood rushes to the muscles; the lungs work harder.  This process is largely autonomic.  We have, by design, very limited control.

For most, the panic associated with stressful situations quickly subsides.  Shallow breathing deepens and slows.  Rapid heartbeat subsides.

The audience does or does not throw tomatoes.  The in-laws smile or grimace – it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference – and swallow their turkey.  We eventually get the mortgage.

In short, the body figures out we are going to survive.

Anxiety Disorders

About 40 million Americans, however, suffer from anxiety disorders [4].  Severe anxiety, whatever form it takes, is debilitating and can be crippling.

A. PTSD

The severe anxiety resulting from traumas such war, rape, or child abuse is better known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) [5].

Whatever its origin, PTSD can cause recurrent, powerful, panic attacks, with or without an identifiable trigger.  These attacks are typically accompanied by heart palpitations, chest pain, the sensation of being smothered, and a feeling of dread.  A panic attack can, also, be experienced as paralysis and overwhelming fear.

PTSD sufferers may, in addition, experience flashbacks (vivid and disturbing memories, re-experienced involuntarily).  I have discussed these elsewhere [6]. Continue reading →

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October 30, 2016 · 1:00 am

Not Just Victims

Birdwatching in Panama, Author Alex Poimos (CC BY-2.0)

Birdwatching in Panama, Author Alex Proimos (CC BY-2.0)

“And if they stare
Just let them burn their eyes
On you moving.
And if they shout
Don’t let it change a thing
That you’re doing.

Hold your head up,
Hold your head up,
Hold your head up,
Hold your head high.”

–        “Hold Your Head Up”, C. White, R. Argent © Marquise Songs

A rock song from the ’70s by Argent has special relevance for abuse survivors.  Called “Hold Your Head Up” it is a reminder that we are more than just victims.

But abuse victims, by whatever name, are not known for valuing themselves highly.  To the contrary, we can barely raise our heads, let alone form a realistic view of ourselves.

The abuse to which we were subjected created a web of lies – that we were worthless, that we were undeserving of love or care.  Trapped in that web, we were denied hope, as the scars (our response to the pain) hardened around us.

Not everything we do, however, will stem from or relate to abuse.  If we focus on that aspect of our experience to the exclusion of all others, we will only enlarge the tragedy, allowing it to engulf our lives [1].

We have relationships, vocations, and beliefs:

  • We are sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews. We are friends, lovers, and spouses. We are students, teachers, and mentors.
  • We are social workers, lab technicians, and police officers.  We are doctors, lawyers, dentists, and accountants.
  • We are Democrats, Republicans, and Independents.

We have habits, preferences, interests, skills, and abilities.  Some of us are neat-freaks; others do not pick up their socks.  Some are dog lovers; others are “cat people”.  Some of us are musical; others cannot carry a tune. A few probably play the banjo. Continue reading →

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October 23, 2016 · 1:00 am

Kansas

Dorothy's ruby slippers from the 1938 version of

Dorothy’s ruby slippers from the 1938 version of “The Wizard of Oz”, Author dbking, Source http://flickr.com/photo/65193799@N00/234170351 (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

WARNING: Graphic Images

Dorothy and Toto spent most of the beloved movie classic, “The Wizard of Oz”, trying to get back home to Kansas. But Kansas City has not been a safe place for children for years now.

An investigation by the Kansas City Star has disclosed that police abandoned many child rape and other cases of serious abuse against children [1].  Internal memoranda by the Kansas City Police Dept. describe 148 cases as reflecting gross investigatory negligence, and what can only be characterized as callous disregard on the part of investigating officers.

The Crimes Against Children Unit investigates around 1,000 cases annually. Last summer, prosecutors were unable to proceed on a case it had taken over a year to investigate. Several hundred cases in the Unit were found to be six months old or older.

A Special Response Team was formed in September 2015 to clear these backlogged cases. Half the cases over six months old were found to have been insufficiently investigated. Fifty involving rape, broken bones, and near starvation languished for over a year.

These included cases where:

  • a 4 y.o. rape victim was infected with a sexually transmitted disease;
  • 4 y.o. and 5 y.o. malnourished children were sodomized by a known sex offender who was, also, a household member; and
  • a 12 y.o. runaway was raped by three men, one of whom she was actually able to identify.

Irregularities were uncovered so severe that nearly all the detectives and sergeants of the Crimes Against Children Unit were suspended. Continue reading →

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October 16, 2016 · 1:00 am

The “P” Word

Donald Trump (2016), Author Michael Vadon (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

Donald Trump (2016), Author Michael Vadon (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

“A gracious woman attains honor, And ruthless men attain riches” (Prov. 11: 16).

Sexual assault has in recent weeks become part of the political dialog.  News media are politely tiptoeing around the crude language Donald Trump employed on the topic, without actually repeating it.

That a candidate should have engaged in this criminal behavior (and still have felt compelled to crow about it, at the tender age of 59) is simultaneously ludicrous and despicable.

However, that some men touch women, without their consent, comes as no surprise to women.  Countless women have been subjected to identical behavior, without consequence to the men responsible.

I am an incest survivor.  The stranger who grabbed my crotch at the beach when I was 12 y.o. could not have known that.  But he calculated – quite accurately – that I would be too stunned to speak of the violation.  In that, I was not alone.

Thousands of vulnerable women and girls experience groping, and either have no recourse or know of none.  The inappropriate touching may not last long; it may not rise to the level of rape.  But the sense of powerlessness leaves a permanent scar.

Whether the assailant is a family member, friend, or stranger, the behavior clearly establishes his dominance.  When do fathers, brothers, and sons learn that this is allowed, even encouraged? Continue reading →

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October 9, 2016 · 1:00 am

Death and Laughter

Actor Robert Cummings as Parris in

Actor Robert Cummings as Parris in “Kings Row”, Author Stetsonharry (PD)

“Parris:  I don’t know if you can take it, Drake.

Drake:   Give it to me.

Parris:    Dr. Gordon cut off your legs.  I don’t know if it was necessary.  He was that kind of butcher, who thought he had a special ordination to punish ‘transgressors’… Heaven knows what else.  The caverns of the human mind are full of strange shadows, but none of that matters.  The point is he wanted to destroy you.  Oh, not literally.  He wanted to destroy the Drake McHugh you were.  He wanted to see you turn into a life-long cripple, mentally as well as physically.  That’s all there is, Drake…

Drake (after a long pause, chuckles):  That’s a hot one, isn’t it? Where did Gordon think I lived, in my legs?  Did he think those things were Drake McHugh?…”

–        Kings Row (1942)

My younger sister and I shared a second floor bedroom as children. We would often stay up past bedtime –  watching old movies, talking about what may have happened during the day, telling stories, or sharing our childhood dreams with each other.  The two of us would invent silly games or make up jokes, and giggle under the covers.

Saplings in a Hurricane

When our father yelled up the stairs at us for being noisy, however, we trembled.  His word was law in the house.  That’s how I remember it, anyway.

Like saplings in a hurricane, we were raised in the storm of my father’s ever-present rage. We were not beaten outright.  But the threat was always there.

And yet, at times, that threat made our laughter all the harder to contain.  We would laugh helplessly, till our sides ached.  My sister and I had a name for it:  laughing in the face of death.

A Life and Death Struggle

Looking back now, we were not far wrong with that description.  There was a life and death struggle going on.

Our laughter was the sound of life, winning out, over death and darkness.  Our laughter was the sound of hope and happiness, if only temporary; the sound of faith in a future we hardly dared believe might exist, a future in which we would be free simply to live in peace. Continue reading →

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October 2, 2016 · 1:00 am

Gymnastics

US Women's Gymnastic Team, 2016 Secret US Classic, Author Scott and Emer Hults Photography, Source OTRS submission (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

Gymnasts at 2012 Secret US Classic, Author Scott and Emer Hults Photography, Source OTRS submission (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

The sport of gymnastics requires balance, strength, courage, and control.  Children may be enrolled in “kindergym” at 20 months of age; in recreational gymnastics at 3 y.o.  But serious gymnasts, those aiming for the Olympics, begin training around 6 y.o.  For that last group, the selection of a coach is crucial.

Dr. Larry Nassar was among the most respected and sought after.  Which makes it all the more shocking that Dr. Nassar, employed for 29 years by USA Gymnastics (the governing body for the sport), is being investigated by the FBI for child molestation [1].

Complaints – some dating as far back as the 1990s – have been made by over two dozen athletes.  Nassar, who has not yet been charged, denies any wrongdoing.

“Olympians represent our country.  They’re the best America has to offer.  These girls give up their childhood and their adolescence to try and fulfill their dream and win medals for their country — and what we have here is somebody who took advantage of that trust [2].”

–        John Manly, attorney for some of the athletes who allege they were violated by Dr. Larry Nassar

At least fifteen women claim Dr. Nassar penetrated them digitally, under the guise of medical treatment [3].  Victims ranged in age from 13 y.o. to 20 y.o. when their abuse started.  A 16 y.o. victim did report Dr. Nassar’s conduct to police in 2004.  No help was, however, forthcoming.

Initially, Nassar denied ever having employed penetration on a patient.  He now claims to have used a legitimate medical procedure for back pain. Continue reading →

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September 25, 2016 · 1:00 am

Salmon

Sockeye Salmon jumping a waterfall, Author Marvina for Fish & Wildlife Service, Source http://www.public-domain-image.com (PD-Federal govt.)

Salmon jumping a waterfall on the way to spawn, Author Marvina Munch for Fish & Wildlife Service, Source http://www.public-domain-image.com (PD-Federal govt.)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

Suppose I took a knife and gutted you with it, like a fish.  Suppose I left you to bleed out on the floor, but you somehow survived that catastrophic assault.  Would you expect to be unchanged by it?  Would you expect to recover just by thinking happy thoughts?

Obviously not.

Physical v. Mental Complaints

Yet this is the cold comfort some physicians offer abuse victims suffering from long-term depression/anxiety and PTSD or other chronic conditions, for instance migraines, stemming from our abuse.  We are not trying hard enough for them.  Better still, we must be malingering.  Who could possibly grieve for decades over a “mere” childhood violation?

Forget it.  Put it behind you, we are told.  Easier said than done, however.

The ignorance of such physicians is palpable.  They simply do not consider psychological problems as significant as physical ailments [1].

Objective Findings

Many of us suffering from mental health issues seek help first from our primary care physicians.  Out of embarrassment, we may never consult a psychiatrist or psychologist.  If that is the case, we are likely to find ourselves accused of lacking “objective findings” to support our complaints, especially if they are chronic.

Which begs the question, do the scars of cutting and attempted suicide count?  How precisely are scars on the soul measured, anyway?

While these questions are meant to be facetious, it can be enormously painful for victims to confront the critical attitude of some physicians.  Our credibility is challenged exactly when we feel most vulnerable.  We are forced to justify our right to receive care to the very individuals who should be providing that care.

Remind you of anything?  The situation is, of course, reminiscent of the very abuse we endured.  Not that the physicians being consulted are likely to recognize that.

The doctor-patient relationship was never intended to be adversarial.  When it is, we can wind up feeling discouraged and rejected.  Some of us will give up seeking medical care at all.

Patient Profiling

One reason for this may be patient profiling:

“Patient profiling is the practice of regarding particular patients as more likely to have certain behaviors or illnesses based on their appearance, race, gender, financial status, or other observable characteristics.  Profiling disproportionately impacts patients with chronic pain, mental illness, the uninsured, and patients of color [2].”

Continue reading →

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