Tag Archives: manipulation

November 30, 2025 · 1:00 am

Grooming – The Manipulation of Children

“Garden of Deception” by Andrew Blucha  (2022), Courtesy of https://www.reddit.com/r/ImaginaryHorrors/comments/uyxcoo/the_garden_of_deception_andrew_blucha_2022/ 

Grooming refers to the deliberate process by which an abuser builds a relationship with a child for the purpose of manipulating, exploiting, and abusing that child [1A][2A].  It involves gaining the victim’s trust over time while desensitizing the child to abusive behaviors, so that the child is less likely to reject them and report the abuser to authorities. 

Significantly, grooming can take place both in person and online.  It can take place at home, at school, in clubs, on teams, in religious settings, and elsewhere [2B].  Online, it can involve social media (Instagram, Tik Tok, Snapchat, etc.) or gaming platforms (PlayStation Network, Xbox Live, Discord, etc.) [2C].

Dynamic

Grooming is the result of a power differential within the relationship, which the abuser uses for his/her own gratification [1B].  Authority can create such a differential, for instance, where the abuser is a teacher, coach, or physician.  But age, itself, can create a power differential. 

Most caring adults will be sensitive to the fact children are easily influenced.  Predators, by contrast, use this vulnerability to their advantage, coupling it with appropriately tailored lies.  “This is how all Daddies teach their little girls about sex.”  “This will make Uncle Frank very happy.  You want to make him happy, don’t you?”  “This is what big boys do.”

Grooming Situations

Grooming is most commonly employed in cases of child sexual abuse.  Even adults, however, can be groomed [1C].  That may be the case where the abuser is a family “friend” (a charming predator with whom parents are led to believe their child will be safe), or where an adult victim comes under the sway of a narcissistic partner [3][4].

Children old enough to flee physical or sexual abuse at home will find it brutally hard to live on the streets.  Not surprisingly, they, too, are susceptible to grooming which is precisely why pimps and sex traffickers rely on the tactic.  A homeless young person offered “free” room and board will find it difficult to refuse sex in exchange. Continue reading →

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July 27, 2025 · 1:00 am

Invisible Wounds – Emotional Abuse

Mimi & Eunice Cartoon:  “Posture”, Source https://mimiandeunice.com/2011/10/20/posture/, Author Nina Paley, (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

“Ugh.  I hate the sight of your ugly face.”

“I wish I’d never had you.  I should have gotten an abortion.”

“You’re useless.  You’ll never amount to anything.”

“How can you be so stupid?  No wonder you have no friends.”

“Now, look what you made me do.  It’s all your fault.”

“No one could love you.  No one ever will.”

Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars.  But the wounds go deep.  We may as well have scalding water dumped over us.

Emotional abuse is often mischaracterized as a less damaging form of child abuse.  To the contrary, the American Academy of Pediatrics calls it, “the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect” [1A]. 

Such abuse can carry over into adult relationships [2].  We settle for what we think we deserve.  There is, therefore, a clear link to domestic abuse [3].

Emotional abuse of children may be accompanied by physical neglect, physical abuse, or sexual abuse. 

However, there is credible evidence that the victims of emotional abuse and emotional neglect exhibit equal or worse immediate and long-term effects than the survivors of other forms of maltreatment and violence [1B].

Types of Emotional Abuse

A. Cruelty

Emotional abuse can involve name calling; constant criticism; negative remarks about a child’s (or later an adult partner’s) appearance, intellect, abilities, hopes, and dreams; cruel jokes at a child’s (or later an adult partner’s) expense; deliberate humiliation; and threats of violence or abandonment [4A]. 

A parent may permanently damage a child’s self-esteem simply by withholding all kind and encouraging remarks [4B].

B. Manipulation

There are other varieties of emotional abuse, no less harmful to a child.  These can range from manipulating or scapegoating a child; failing to promote a child’s social development by forbidding friends, and forcing isolation on a child; to making a child the parent’s emotional partner (covert incest); or exposing a child to traumatic events like domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse [4C].

C. Excessive Control

Children can be damaged if they are pushed too hard, in order to fulfill a parent’s own ambitions, or controlled so closely that they have no lives of their own [4D].

D. Emotional Neglect

At the other extreme, children can be emotionally harmed, if they are regularly ignored [4E]. 

Failure by a parent to interact at all with a child is known as emotional neglect.  This can occur if, for instance, a parent suffers from serious mental illness.  It can be devastating for the child, even if he or she is otherwise fed and clothed.

E. Domestic Abuse

In the context of domestic violence, emotional abuse is often accompanied by extreme jealousy; isolation; enforced dependence; and coercive control by the abusive partner over money, travel, and communication with family and friends [5A]. Continue reading →

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January 13, 2019 · 1:00 am

Red Flags

It can be difficult, at the outset of a relationship, to predict whether a prospective partner will become abusive.  However, there are certain danger signals which, in combination, should not be ignored.  These involve embarrassment/criticism, control/manipulation, isolation, blame, threats, and violence.

Here is a list of “red flags” [1][2]:

Embarrassment/Criticism

  • A partner who regularly disparages your friends, family, ideas, and goals.
  • A partner who deliberately embarrasses and insults you.  Such a partner may humiliate you in public, or criticize you viciously in private.  He or she may attack your looks or your parenting skills, as a means of undermining your confidence.

Control/Manipulation

  • A partner who prevents you from making decisions. This interference may, at first, be as simple as telling you what you can and cannot wear to work.
  • A partner who is extremely jealous and possessive.  Such a partner continually tracks where you go, whom you meet, and what you do.  He or she may expect to you check in, throughout the day, and spend every moment of your free time with him/her.
  • A partner with a hair-trigger temper. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace.
  • A partner who takes your money or refuses to provide you necessary income for expenses.
  • A partner who plays “mind games” to make you feel guilty.  Such a partner may, for instance, threaten to commit suicide if you leave him or her.
  • A partner who pressures you to have sex, or to engage in a type of sexual activity with which you are not comfortable.
  • A partner who prevents you from using birth control.
  • A partner who pressures you to use drugs or alcohol.

Continue reading →

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December 16, 2018 · 1:00 am

Unbiblical, Part 5 – Self-Sacrifice v. Codependence

Sketch for mural “The Spirit of Self-Sacrificing Love” by Kenyon Cox at Oberlin College, Smithsonian Museum (1983.114.15), Source https://americanart.si.edu (PD-Art, PD-Old-95)

“The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty.  We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.”

– Mother Teresa

Self-sacrifice is natural to Christians, and encouraged.  Christians are to put the legitimate needs of others ahead of their own, in imitation of Christ.  Mother Teresa was a shining example of this.  For abuse victims, however, self-sacrifice can become confused with codependence.

Codependence as an After-Effect of Abuse

Individuals suffering from codependence will allow the emotions and behavior of others to dictate their view of themselves.  Those with codependence will tolerate – even, unconsciously, seek out – relationships that are “one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive verbally or physically” [1].

Codependent characteristics include low self-esteem; fear of anger; denial of any problems with the relationship; and an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the feelings, choices, and actions of the loved one [2].

While on its face, codependence may resemble Christian self-sacrifice, there are distinct differences between the two.

The codependent individual may forego his/her goals and desires to meet the perceived “needs” of a loved one.  But the underlying motive for this is not the welfare of the loved one.  It is fear.

Actually, the codependent individual is attempting to shore up his/her fragile sense of worth, strike an unspoken bargain for love and affection, and maintain the relationship at all costs (however abusive or unsatisfying it may be).  An overly solicitous mother might be a crude illustration.

By comparison, Christian self-sacrifice is not the attempt to manipulate (or placate) an individual perceived as more “important” or powerful.  It is, or should be, truly selfless.

Clinging to an Imitation

None of this is meant to imply that abuse victims cannot love and love intensely.  The problem lies in the fact victims have not seen healthy love modeled.  What feels familiar is a flawed version of love, an imitation.  The real love and support victims need seem out of reach, so we cling to the imitation with all our might, confusing pain for passion. Continue reading →

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March 11, 2018 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 1 – Victims and Predators

Frost covered rose, Author 3268zauber (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

” ‘Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father…’ ” (Matt. 18: 10).

Each year, some six million children in the United States are sexually or physically abused.

This 6-part series will explore the emotional and spiritual ramifications of abuse, with a view toward assisting the survivors of abuse and those who care for them in dealing with its long-term effects.

Those of us who have decades of experience with abuse and its aftermath are all too familiar with these details.  But for each new generation of victims, these truths must be restated.

It must be said at the outset that children are NEVER responsible for the abuse inflicted upon them. The idea of a “bad” or “seductive” child is a lie perpetrated by child molesters, a rationale to excuse their heinous actions.

Predators are often manipulative, convincing child victims that they brought on the violation; consented to the violation; will not be believed, if the violation is reported; will be sent away from home, if the violation is reported; will place their parents (or pets) in danger, if the violation is reported, etc.  Some of these same arguments are made to women by the husbands and boyfriends who perpetrate violence against them.

As a consequence, victims often experience a misplaced sense of guilt and shame.  This will be further discussed in our next segment.

Originally posted 6/30/13

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT:  https://alawyersprayers.com

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November 5, 2017 · 1:00 am

A Dangerous Thing

Traditional millstone used to crush olives in making oil, Sardinia, Italy, Author Giancarlo Dessi (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

“But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea” (Matt. 18: 6 Berean Study Bible).

Sexuality is a dangerous thing.  The Weinstein scandal has reminded us of that [1].  A power differential allows those with power to exploit those without it – sexually and otherwise.

But the exploited are not always women.  An account in Vulture by a man who alleges he was sexually involved with actor Kevin Spacey at age 14 (and that Spacey, 10 years his senior, attempted to rape him) sheds light on the confusion in a child’s mind, where sex is concerned [2].  Raw though that account is, I recommend it to you.

The Vulture account makes the following points:

  • Children are trusting. They do not question the motives of adults who appear to care for them.  For that reason alone, children can be easily manipulated.  They believe the promises made to them (and lies told them) by loved ones…however farfetched.
  • Immaturity can expose children to dangers of which they are unaware. It is the reason we have statutory rape laws in place.  Immaturity can, also, cause children to assume responsibility for circumstances over which they had little or no control…circumstances in which they were, in fact, victimized.
  • Children who have been victimized once are often victimized again.  Those who are emotionally needy are most vulnerable.
  • Children may mistakenly view themselves as adults long before they possess the capacities of an adult.  But judgment and perspective require life experience.  “Sophistication” on a child’s part is no substitute.

Christ, Himself, condemned those who would abuse children.  One way or another, in this world or the next, those who violate that prohibition will find doing so is a dangerous thing.

—

[1]  According to Entertainment Weekly, 56 women had accused producer Harvey Weinstein of sexual harassment as of October 28, 2017.  Included in that number are Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie.  See, Entertainment Weekly, “56 Women Who Have Accused Harvey Weinstein of Sexual Harassment”; 10/28/17, http://ew.com/movies/women-accused-harvey-weinstein-sexual-misconduct/harvey-weinsteins-accusers.  High profile men similarly accused include James Tobak, Oliver Stone, Ben Affleck, Roy Price, and Bill O’Reilly.

[2]  Vulture, “Man Comes Forward to Describe an Alleged Extended Sexual Relationship He Had at Age 14 With Kevin Spacey” by E. Alex Jung, 11/2/17, http://www.vulture.com/2017/11/kevin-spacey-alleged-sexual-relationship.html.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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April 5, 2015 · 1:00 am

Unbiblical, Part 5 – Self-Sacrifice v. Codependence

“The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.”

– Mother Teresa

Self-sacrifice is natural to Christians, and encouraged. Christians are to put the legitimate needs of others ahead of their own, in imitation of Christ. Mother Teresa was a shining example of this. For abuse victims, however, self-sacrifice can become confused with codependence.

Codependence as an After-Effect of Abuse

Individuals suffering from codependence will allow the emotions and behavior of others to dictate their view of themselves. Those with codependence will tolerate – even, unconsciously, seek out – relationships that are “one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive verbally or physically” [1].

Codependent characteristics include low self-esteem; fear of anger; denial of any problems with the relationship; and an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the feelings, choices, and actions of the loved one [2].

While on its face, codependence may resemble Christian self-sacrifice, there are distinct differences between the two.

The codependent individual may forego his/her goals and desires to meet the perceived “needs” of a loved one. But the underlying motive for this is not the welfare of the loved one.  It is fear.

Actually, the codependent individual is attempting to shore up his/her fragile sense of worth, strike an unspoken bargain for love and affection, and maintain the relationship at all costs (however abusive or unsatisfying it may be). An overly solicitous mother might be a crude illustration.

By comparison, Christian self-sacrifice is not the attempt to manipulate (or placate) an individual perceived as more “important” or powerful. It is, or should be, truly selfless.

Clinging to an Imitation

None of this is meant to imply that abuse victims cannot love and love intensely. The problem lies in the fact victims have not seen healthy love modeled. What feels familiar is a flawed version of love, an imitation. The real love and support victims need seem out of reach, so we cling to the imitation with all our might, confusing pain for passion. Continue reading →

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June 30, 2013 · 3:27 pm

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 1 – Victims and Predators

” ‘Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father…’ ” (Matt. 18: 10).

Each year, some six million children in the United States are sexually or physically abused.

This 6-part series will explore the emotional and spiritual ramifications of abuse, with a view toward assisting the survivors of abuse and those who care for them in dealing with its long-term effects.

Those of us who have decades of experience with abuse and its aftermath are all too familiar with these details.  But for each new generation of victims, these truths must be restated.

It must be said at the outset that children are NEVER responsible for the abuse inflicted upon them. The idea of a “bad” or “seductive” child is a lie perpetrated by child molesters, a rationale to excuse their heinous actions.

Predators are often manipulative, convincing child victims that they brought on the violation; consented to the violation; will not be believed, if the violation is reported; will be sent away from home, if the violation is reported; will place their parents (or pets) in danger, if the violation is reported, etc.  Some of these same arguments are made to women by the husbands and boyfriends who perpetrate violence against them.

As a consequence, victims often experience a misplaced sense of guilt and shame.  This will be further discussed in our next segment.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT:  http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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