Category Archives: Violence Against Women

December 28, 2014 · 1:00 am

The Dysfunctional Lawyer, Part 1

“The Cry of Justice” by Frank Varley
Auckland Punch Magazine (1868)

“‘Let us choose justice for ourselves…'” (Job 34: 4).

It takes great courage to flee an abusive relationship, and confront an abuser.

While criminal matters are generally handled through the District Attorney’s Office on the state level and the US Attorney’s Office on the federal level, abuse victims seeking divorce or money damages for their pain and suffering will need to pursue civil litigation.

Civil lawyers can be found who specialize in victims’ rights following rape, child abuse, domestic abuse, elder abuse, clergy abuse, and sexual harassment.

A good lawyer can help restore the abuse victim’s life. A dysfunctional lawyer (or a dysfunctional relationship with an otherwise good lawyer) can delay the process, undermining an abuse victim’s already tenuous confidence.

Abuse Victims as Clients

Abuse victims deserve a dedicated advocate: someone whose honesty is above reproach, who will be diligent in pursuing their case, who will communicate on all critical matters, and whose legal judgment can be relied upon as sound.

Fortunately, there are many lawyers meeting these criteria.

A. Cost

Cost is likely to be the first criteria abuse victims consider, in choosing a lawyer.

Personal injury litigation is usually taken on a contingency basis, for a percentage of the ultimate recovery. What that percentage can be differs somewhat from state to state. Thirty percent for the lawyer is typical.

The legal fees in other types of cases, for example divorce or bankruptcy, are usually calculated on an hourly basis. This can be a challenge for abuse victims, who may not have much in the way of funds.

Legal aid is available across the country, but the types of civil cases covered will vary. Abuse victims should check with their local offices.

Victims organizations like WomensLaw.org and RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) can be a good source of information. Most bar associations will, also, have referral services with lists of lawyers in various specialties. Often an initial consultation will be free or at a reduced rate.

B. Credentials

Thousands upon thousands of lawyers advertise, online and elsewhere. Whatever claims may be made in ads, victims should remember that lawyers are not superhuman, and that a verdict awarding money damages in their favor (particularly a large amount) is not guaranteed.

Since a lawyer can be instrumental in improving a client’s circumstances, the lawyer’s credentials should be carefully scrutinized, in the same way one might review the credentials of a physician.

Abuse victims will find lawyer ratings available online, but should not rely exclusively on these. Many fine lawyers are never rated. The recommendation of a friend can be as valuable.

C. Questions

For their own well-being, abuse victims should speak up. Continue reading →

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December 21, 2014 · 1:00 am

The Book of Job

For years, I was an atheist, unwilling to believe in or do homage to a God who would allow suffering by the innocent.

My view was a direct result of the abuse I had endured, and the suffering of all kinds I saw around me. I could not reconcile a good and just God with the many injustices in the world.  Faith was a fool’s game.

The Bible’s Book of Job, in particular, revealed the merciless nature of God. So I thought. A devout man is caused to lose his property, his children, and his health. All to demonstrate that his faith in God is not a response to good fortune alone.

I saw the God who would allow this as sadistic. I viewed the Book of Job as an obscenity, and rejected the propositions it put forward. For a long while, I preferred to rage.

When I found the law as a profession, it felt as if a sword had been placed into my hand.

But the Book of Job is a profound study in suffering. It makes the point that God is God. We are merely His creation, dearly though He loves us.

In the end, I came to recognize that we cannot substitute our sense of justice for God’s. We do not have His perspective. We cannot see the end from the beginning.

Christians do not always know why suffering takes place. Ours is a broken world, not the paradise we might wish.

Christians do, however, know the true character of God. He truly is holy, good, just, and merciful. He and only He is the God who suffered as we suffer, even dying for our sakes. Amid the severest of trials, He somehow sustains us. And we have His promise that He will use all things somehow for good.

That promise cannot be applied simplistically. No Christian would contend that good can come to a child from sexual molestation, torture, or neglect. Continue reading →

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December 7, 2014 · 1:00 am

One In Every Five

  • Six young men, ages 16 to 18, were recently accused of the gang rape of a fellow high school student in Florida [1]. The sexual assault occurred after school. The underage victim was convinced to accompany her assailants into a wooded area. When the intentions of the group became clear, the victim attempted to leave, but was prevented. Some are publicly defending the assailants on Twitter.

There is a rape every 6.2 minutes in the United States; one in five women in this country is likely to be raped in her lifetime [2][3]. Because rape is under-reported, the figures may be higher. Eighty three year old women have been raped, as have four year olds.

The United States does not separately collect data on gang rapes. It is estimated, however, that 25% of all rapes are gang rapes [4]. These are almost always premeditated [6][7].

A 2013 report on rape and gang rape in the medical journal, The Lancet Global Health, listed entertainment, sexual entitlement, and punishment of the victim among the motives given [5]. Associated factors often include alcohol, poverty, “proof” of heterosexual prowess, a need for dominance over women, gang-related activity, and a history of child abuse. Continue reading →

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November 30, 2014 · 1:00 am

Complicated

My mother died this week. While I loved her deeply, our relationship was, as they say, complicated.

The relationship between mothers and daughters is always complicated – all the more so when there is sexual abuse by the father/stepfather or another family member.

The central questions victims ask themselves, in such cases, are: whether their mothers knew the molestation was taking place; and, if they did know, why their mothers chose not to intervene on their behalf.

This can feel like betrayal on the most visceral level. How is it that we can be rejected by our mothers? Our very hearts cry out.

Many factors come into play:

  • A woman who is herself abused may fear for her life, if she does not acquiesce to the sexual violation of her children (daughters and/or sons).
  • Alternatively, a mother may fear abandonment by her partner/spouse, especially if she does not see herself as capable of supporting the children on her own.
  • A few women may be callous, particularly if they are addicts whose judgment has been impaired. This group of women may actually trade a child for drugs.
  • Many women live in denial. Unwilling or unable to cope with the thought of molestation by the father/stepfather or another family member, these women ignore what may to an outsider seem like clear signs of sexual abuse [1].

As for rescue:

  • There are women who do not understand the abuse dynamic (the inherent inequality between adult and child) and, therefore, see their daughters (even children as young as 6) as “competition” for a partner/spouse. These women are likely to blame a victim for the molestation, mistakenly characterizing the violation as seduction by the victim.
  • When the child molester is a family member, but not the father/stepfather (for instance, a brother, uncle, or grandparent), there is a greater chance of rescue for the victim, since “competition” does not come into play.
  • When child molesters challenge the veracity of the children they have violated, mothers are faced with a credibility issue. Some women will side with their partners/spouses as against their own children. This can be crushing for victims.
  • Women in denial never deal with the rescue issue.

Often, mothers and daughters are alike in more ways than we might care to admit. But ours is the choice of whether to follow in our mothers’ footsteps. We need not make the same mistakes they did…or inflict the same wounds.

—

[1] Signs of possible sexual abuse can include:

  • the presence of child pornography in the home,
  • changes in behavior by a child (disobedience on the part of a normally obedient child, for example),
  • sudden unease by a child around the offending individual,
  • secretive behavior by the offending individual,
  • unexplained nocturnal visits to a child’s bedroom,
  • sexual comments about a child in the mother’s hearing,
  • inappropriate touching of a child in the mother’s view, and finally
  • the statement by a child that sexual abuse has taken place.

None of these is, by itself, conclusive.  Each though merits inquiry.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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November 23, 2014 · 1:00 am

Cubs

ISIS is recruiting and training child soldiers it proudly calls “Cubs of the Islamic State” [1].

The recruitment and use of children as soldiers is a war crime, though not without precedent. Children – often forcibly conscripted – have acted as soldiers in India, Chad, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Uganda, Sierra Leone, Thailand, and Myanmar [2].

In Sierra Leone, boys between the ages of 7 and 14 served in the Small Boys Unit. Some 10,000 are thought to have taken part, in that nation’s civil war from 1991-2002 [3]. These children were involved in rape, mutilation, sexual slavery, murder, and other forms of human rights abuses.

Over 30,000 children have taken part in the decades long conflict in Uganda, a substantial number of these actually abducted [4]. Young girls are subject to sexual violence, or required to serve as “wives” of the rebels and have their children.

And now ISIS.

Boys are taught how to use AK-47s and mercilessly behead captives. An Iraqi security official was quoted by NBC News as saying, “They use dolls to teach them how to behead people, then they make them watch a beheading, and sometimes they force them to carry the heads in order to cast the fear away from their hearts.”

Some children are used by ISIS as suicide bombers; others, as human shields. They are, also, indoctrinated in Shariah law. “It’s being done for the same reasons that Hitler had the Hitler Youth,” stated Charlie Winter of the Quilliam Foundation.

Brainwashing these children is a long-term strategy to assure ISIS’ continued existence. “They have to get used to hearing the sounds of explosions and machine guns and missiles and artillery and aircraft,” Abu Dujana explained. “They should get used to seeing blood,” the ISIS fighter said.

Americans can expect to see more blood, as well.

—
[1] NBC News, “ISIS Trains Child Soldiers at Camps for ‘Cubs of the Islamic State’ ” by Cassandra Vinograd, Ghazi Balkiz and Ammar Cheikh Omar, 11/7/14, http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/isis-terror/isis-trains-child-soldiers-camps-cubs-islamic-state-n241821.

[2] Child Soldiers International, http://www.child-soldiers.org/.

[3] Human Rights Watch, “Sierra Leone Rebels Forcefully Recruit Child Soldiers”, 6/1/00, http://www.hrw.org/news/2000/05/31/sierra-leone-rebels-forcefully-recruit-child-soldiers.

[4] UN.org, Ten Stories the World Should Hear More About, “Uganda: Child Soldiers at Centre of Mounting Humanitarian Crisis”, http://www.un.org/events/tenstories/06/story.asp?storyID=100.

 FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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October 5, 2014 · 1:00 am

Imperfection

We burn the eggs, drip salad dressing down the front of a new blouse. We misplace our glasses, and lock our keys in the car. We mistakenly toss our wallets down the garbage chute, along with the trash. We amass fender benders, and parking tickets. We trip with the dog food, and scatter kibble across the kitchen floor.

Human beings are imperfect…as housekeepers, dry cleaners, locksmiths, building superintendents, and highway patrol officers (not to mention our pets) can attest. Minor shortcomings such as these are the least of our failings. For abuse victims, however, even minor imperfections can be deadly.

Abusers will set impossible standards for their victims, and punishment out of all proportion to an infraction. These standards may be the very ones to which the abusers were held in childhood. Not all abusers were though abused. Nor is childhood abuse a license to abuse others in adulthood.

Some individuals will inflict pain or deprivation on their victims from outright sadism or an extreme narcissism. The abused child (or abused adult partner) is viewed as a representative of the abuser before the world. All the abuser’s insecurities are projected onto the victim, who is then seen as deficient, defective.

Often the abuse victim will strive to achieve these unrealistic standards, as much out of love as out of fear. This is not brainless. Human beings are meant to love. Unfortunately, the image we have of love can be distorted.

Victims commonly blame themselves for an abuser’s actions, preserving at all cost the delusion of an ideal parent, caregiver or spouse. For children, in particular, it is terrifying to contemplate a dangerous world without the protection of a loving adult. Easier to shut our eyes on reality, and assume the abuser’s guilt.

To regain control of our lives, we must stop lying to ourselves; must deliberately set aside the futile pursuit of perfection; and – like the rest of humanity – must come to terms with our limitations.

Thankfully, excellence does not require perfection.  Not even God does.

“But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection” (Col. 3: 14).

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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September 21, 2014 · 1:00 am

Private Matters

The after effects of the Ray Rice situation continue to be felt. For those who do not follow sports, Rice was discharged by the Ravens after the video of his assault on now wife, Janay Palmer, became public.

To show their support for Rice, many female fans have made it a point to continue wearing Rice jerseys to the game. A group of NFL wives expressed their view that the assault was an isolated incident (highly unlikely) and a private matter, between Rice and Palmer.

Earlier this summer, Greg Hardy of the Panthers was convicted of beating his girlfriend and threatening her life. Ray McDonald of the 49ers has been charged with domestic violence for injuring his pregnant fiancée. After being discharged from two different teams for domestic abuse (slapping one girlfriend, and stalking another), Chris Rainey has been signed by the Cardinals.

Meanwhile, Adrian Peterson of the Vikings has been indicted on child abuse for using a switch to discipline his 4 y.o. son.

Are all these private matters?

Do fame and high salaries – or perhaps the revenue generated for the owners – make sports figures immune from the standards which apply to the rest of us? Should we simply turn away?

Or is there a point at which society should intervene to protect the weak?

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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September 14, 2014 · 1:00 am

Respect

“I do deeply regret the role that I played in the incident that night…I love Ray, and I know that he will continue to prove himself not only to you all but the community, and I know he will gain your respect back in due time [1].”
– Janay Palmer Rice

This was the statement Janay Palmer made at the first press conference she and her then fiancé Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice, held after Rice knocked her unconscious in an elevator at the Revel Casino & Hotel in Atlantic City.

The couple were married one day after a grand jury indicted Rice for 3rd degree aggravated assault.

The Ravens released Rice from his contract in response to the public outcry after video of this incident was circulated. Rice is seen delivering a left hook to the smaller and weaker Palmer while the two bickered, then dragging her body carelessly into the hall.

Much has been said about the penalties the team and NFL should have imposed from the outset. Formal standards have now been put in place, regarding domestic violence.

Two questions, however, remain. Why would a successful football player feel the need to coldcock the mother of his child, a woman he claims to love? And why would the victim of his assault feel she should apologize for it? Continue reading →

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September 7, 2014 · 1:00 am

Subjugation

Sadly, the Bible has often been misused to support the subjugation of women. Such abuse is never justified, and is certainly not endorsed by the Bible. It reflects the patriarchal nature of our society (and the sins of individual men), rather than any directive from God.

For those who may wish to challenge this mistaken approach when confronted by it, here are a few observations from the Bible.

In His Image

God created both men and women in His image (Gen. 1: 27). Women are not pets or some lesser form of being, useful only for propagating the species without contributing anything to it.

That woman is described later in Genesis as having been created from the rib of Adam (Gen. 2: 21-22) reinforces, rather than undermines, this equality. Adam describes Eve as flesh of his flesh; marriage is said to require that a man leave his parents, to be joined to his wife as “one flesh” (Gen. 2: 23-24).

Hearts, Minds, and Souls

Both men and women have hearts, minds, and souls with which to love and serve God (Matt. 22: 37). Women have no less an obligation than men to do this. A just and holy God would not have made this command applicable to women, had they not been as capable as men of complying with it.

Equally Responsible

Though the nature of their punishment differed, God punished Adam and Eve to an equal extent for their sin in eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Gen. 3: 16-19).

Whether the story of the Fall is interpreted literally or figuratively, it confirms God’s view of Adam and Eve as equally responsible for their infraction. And it offers an explanation, i.e. sin, for the distortion of the relationship between men and women [1].

Female Role Models

The Old and New Testaments contain a surprising number of female role models, including women in leadership positions and women active in the early church.

Esther was a Jewish queen who saved her people from destruction (Book of Esther). Deborah served as a judge, successfully working with her general, Barak, to defeat the enemies of Israel (Judg. 4: 4-8). Both Jael (Judg. 4: 21) and Judith (Judith 13: 7-8) took it upon themselves to kill enemy commanders. Continue reading →

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August 31, 2014 · 1:00 am

Above Rubies

Cut Ruby Gemstone, Photo by Humanfeather (CC Attribution 3.0 Unported)

Universally, abuse undermines the self-esteem of its victims, often destroying self-worth entirely. This applies whether victims are male or female, children or adults when the abuse takes place.

Erosion

We view ourselves as deficient, defective, often as responsible for the abuse (which we definitely were not), and sometimes as deserving of it (which no one is).

Predators rely on this erosion, actively seeking to engineer it. Damaged self-esteem makes victims more vulnerable, more pliant, increasing a predator’s power over his/her victims.

We may be told that we are “ugly, stupid, worthless turds” and “whores” at the age of 3. Reality has no bearing on the insults and accusations hurled against us. And the closer our relationship is with the abuser (a parent, for instance), the deeper the wound.

Pain and Misperception

The pain can be unbearable, leading many victims to drug and alcohol abuse, cutting, eating disorders, and other self-destructive behaviors. All too often that pain clouds our perception of ourselves. We can see only the negative, our mistakes and shortcomings…even when they are non-existent.

Self-Hatred

Self-loathing will persist long after the physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect has ended. The self-hatred stemming from abuse can interfere with subsequent relationships, and contribute to suicide years later. Continue reading →

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