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Category Archives: domestic violence
Christmas Star
All of us were children once. What we survived over the years shaped our character and our lives.
At Christmas we celebrate the birth of another child, a Savior who came into this broken world for our sakes. We were not all rescued, but we can — because of Him — be redeemed.
Wishing All of You a Merry Christmas!
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Headphones and a Vape Pen – Juvenile Crime
Sennheiser HD-25-1 headphones, Author Bizzarle (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)
WARNING: Graphic Images
Eight Las Vegas teens have been charged with murder, in connection with the beating death of a classmate widely distributed on social media [1]. The assailants range in age from 13 y.o. to 17 y.o. Their victim, Jonathan Lewis Jr., was 17 y.o. The altercation was apparently about headphones and a vape pen.
It is difficult to say which aspect of this crime is most disturbing: the age of the victim whose life was taken, the age of his assailants and their relationship to him, the trivial cause for this violence, or the fact the crime was shared on social media.
Causes of Violence
Most of us assume that children are incapable of violence, certainly incapable of murder. We are shocked when confronted with the facts.
In 2020, there were 930 arrests made nationally for murder or manslaughter where the perpetrator was 17 y.o. or younger [2A]. There were 19,140 arrests made for aggravated assault in that age range, and another 70, 940 made for simple assault [2B].
Gang dynamics, the psychology of crowds, and peer pressure all have bearing on the crime here. Abuse is likely, also, to have played a role.
A. Gangs
Gang violence in the United States emerged as early as 1783. In New York City, in particular, gangs were well organized by 1826 [3].
Dangerous street gangs, outlaw motorcycle clubs, organized crime (once actually termed gangland), and drug cartels are all representative of this underworld culture. Little has changed with time, except that drugs have been added to the mix.
Teens and young men are known to have been participants from the start (though girls and young women are not immune to the lure). Depending on age, young people serve as messengers, look-outs, bagmen, thieves, and thugs (some later specializing as enforcers or hitmen).
Although gangs may thrive on violence, they provide a sense of acceptance, security, inclusion, and identity to their members [4]. In effect, they substitute for the family structure many young people lack.
B. Crowds and Peer Pressure
It is well recognized that human beings will do in a crowd what they might never do alone [5]. The bounds of acceptable behavior are more easily transgressed in a group. Personal responsibility is abandoned. Morals are swept aside in the frenzy of the moment.
This applies to young people even more so than adults. Still trying to decide who they are, anxious to fit in, teens and pre-teens are more susceptible than adults to peer pressure. Continue reading
Passed Over at the Dance – Love and Failure
Image by Manuel Gugenhuber (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)
Many of us feel that we failed at love. We were passed over at the dance. We picked the wrong partners — those who did not or could not love us, those who loved us once but no longer care. Those who raised our hopes, then shattered our dreams. Those who simply walked away.
There are countless reasons for this. It may be that childhood abuse colored our choices. It may be that those choices were limited by our circumstances. It may be that a partner changed over the years…or that we changed. It may be that a partner was equally wounded from the start.
Rejection is heartbreaking. The end of love is heartbreaking. We think the years we invested were wasted, that our lives were wasted. That our love was poured out on sand.
But heartbreak and failure are not one and the same. Nearly everyone alive has experienced heartbreak, at one time or another. Sad love songs are more popular than upbeat ones.
God, Himself, is love (1 John 4: 16). He created us to know, love, and serve Him. We do that by obeying His laws (1 John 5: 2), and serving others (Eph. 2: 10).
None of us live up to God’s standards — not as we should, not on a constant basis. We stray. We make mistakes, despite our good intentions. But if we pour out our love, as best we can — whether on spouses, lovers, siblings, friends, children, or strangers — we have fulfilled the central purpose for which we were created (Luke 7: 47).
That is not failure. Whatever the outcome, that is not failure.
FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com
“Stages of Trauma Bonding” by Cynthia Bailey Rug
Image courtesy of Sandstone Care
Below is a post by the Christian author, Cynthia Bailey Rug. While this post is specifically directed toward the victims of narcissism, it is highly relevant to the victims of childhood abuse and/or domestic violence who are particularly vulnerable to trauma bonding.
Cynthia Bailey Rug blogs at https://cynthiabaileyrug.wordpress.com . The full text of this post dated 10/14/23 can be found there.
“Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a common & strange phenomenon among victims of ongoing abuse [1][2]. It happens when abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, & show their victims random kindnesses. Those kindnesses seem to prove to victims that their abuser isn’t all bad, & they really do care for their victim. That thinking bonds the victim to their abuser & makes them more willing to tolerate abuse.
Narcissists are exceptionally good at trauma bonding their victims to them. It happens very subtly & in gradually increasing stages of toxicity. Trauma bonding is much like the story of putting a frog in a pot of water. If the water is boiling when he goes in, he recognizes the danger & hops out immediately. But, if it’s warm & gradually the temperature increases to boiling, he won’t notice he’s in danger until it’s too late…
The first stage of trauma is love bombing. This is when the narcissist [or other abuser] showers you with love, praise & adoration. You can do no wrong. You are absolutely perfect!…Gifts can be a part of love bombing too…” Continue reading
Relapse
Foot-race at the Panathenaea (c. 800 BC – 480 BC), reverse of an ancient Greek vase, Source Encyclopædia Britannica (11th ed.), (PD)
Despite decades of counseling, abuse victims may struggle with the scars of their trauma for a lifetime. This is a discouraging truth whether applicable to alcohol or drug abuse, eating disorders, cutting, or other self-destructive behaviors stemming from the abuse.
When we do relapse the shame returns full force. But the conclusions we draw from our relapse are important.
Not Worthless or Hopeless
That we have relapsed does not mean that we are worthless and our situation hopeless. It simply means that we are human beings who have been deeply wounded.
Survival Skills
Nor does relapse mean that the survival skills we struggled to acquire have been proven useless. We have simply set them aside, in favor of more familiar and more damaging behaviors [1]. Continue reading
Greatness
Dorothy Height (2008), Author Adrian Hood (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)
“Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has overcome to reach his goals.”
-Dorothy Height
Dorothy Height was an African American social worker, journalist, politician, and civil rights advocate [1]. She served as Chairperson of the Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights, and was a founding member of the National Women’s Political Caucus.
At the National Council of Negro Women, Ms. Height worked to end lynching in the South, restructure the criminal justice system, and increase voter registration. Presidents Dwight Eisenhower and Lyndon Johnson frequently sought her advice. Continue reading
Not Love
Andrew Tate on “Anything Goes with James English” podcast (2023). Source https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjYjLJpzeas, Author Anything Goes with James English (CC Attribution 3.0 Unported)
The social media “influencer” Andrew Tate who once contended that the victims of rape should bear responsibility for their violation has, himself, been charged in Romania with rape, human trafficking, and the formation of a crime syndicate to sexually exploit women [1][2].
Evidence exists of Tate and his cohorts coercing women into sexual acts [3][4]. Tate contends that he is innocent. Hopefully, the courts will sort this out, and the appropriate consequences will follow.
Another misogynist, even another rapist, is not news.
The larger question is why an egotist like Tate would have gained such popularity (particularly among young men), and why women so often fall prey to men like this.
Hypermasculinity
“Hypermasculinity” is the sociological term for a toxic form of masculinity characterized by the view that violence is virile; that danger is exciting; and that women should be treated with less regard than one would have for an animal [4].
To be a man, by this definition, is to be merciless and wholly self-centered. Continue reading
Gilgo Beach
Map indicating location of bodies discovered at Gilgo Beach, Author Atiru
(CC BY-SA 4.0 International)
WARNING: Graphic Images
Gilgo Beach is a quiet stretch of sandy coastline on Long Island, NY, made infamous by the serial killings which have been uncovered there [1].
Shockingly, the remains of up to 18 victims, murdered between 1996 and 2011, have been found in the general area. For the most part, these victims — the majority of them women — are believed to have been sex workers.
Serial Predator
Rex Heuermann — a 59 y.o. married architect and father of two — has been charged in the murders of three such victims (Melissa Barthelemy, Amber Costello, and Megan Waterman) [2]. He is the prime suspect in the murder of a fourth (Maureen Brainard-Barnes). There is speculation that he may be responsible for many more.
Investigative Delay
The identification of victims was necessarily a lengthy and complex process.
However, the FBI did not become officially involved in this investigation until 5 years after the first remains were located by Suffolk County Police [3]. For reasons of his own, former Police Chief James Burke is said actually to have blocked that involvement [4].
There is, also, widespread suspicion among family members of the victims that Suffolk Police did not prioritize the investigation because these women were prostitutes, rather than “upstanding” members of the community.
Child Abuse and Prostitution
A. Sexual Abuse
What is particularly tragic about this story is that there is every likelihood the women had already been the victims of childhood sexual abuse. Continue reading
Family Annihilators
Author Pic-Puce at French Wikipedia (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)
WARNING: Graphic Images
A young girl runs down the street screaming that her father is killing everyone [1]. In fact, the father is found to have murdered his sons — ages 3, 4, and 7 — as well as attempting to murder his wife.
The term “family annihilators” (those who kill their families) was first coined by psychiatrist Park Dietz in 1980 [2A]. Tragically, such individuals are becoming increasingly common [4A].
Family annihilators are primarily, though not exclusively, men [3A][4B]. They tend to fall into one of four categories [4C]:
- Self-Righteous: Those who are self-righteous, for instance, blaming their spouses for the break-up of a family and angry about diminished access to children. Infidelity and the desire to punish can set off this type. Alcohol can, also, play a role [2B].
- Ashamed/Disappointed: Those who are ashamed of themselves or disappointed with their families. Cultural honor killings fall into this category. Alex Murdaugh, convicted of murdering his wife and son after Murdaugh’s own corruption came to light, is an illustration [3B].
- Paranoid: Those who are paranoid and motivated by a desire to “protect” their families from a perceived threat, such as the removal of children by social services. This type of family annihilator may believe family members are wholly dependent on him/her for their survival, and rationalize he/she is acting mercifully to “save” them from a cruel world. Depression can, also, be a factor [2C]. Until the killing spree, such an individual may be perceived by outsiders as dedicated to the family. Andrea Yates is an illustration [5].
- Sociopathic: Those who are socially alienated or outright sociopathic, killing their families for monetary gain or similar cold blooded motives. Family members are viewed as objects, mere means to an end, by such individuals. Greed and other narcissistic purposes can motivate this type. Susan Smith, who drowned her two sons to further a romantic relationship, is an illustration [6].
A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse and More 