Category Archives: Sexual Abuse

The Rose Garden, Chapter 5 – World War II

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/62/Displaced_Persons_and_Refugees_in_Germany_BU6635.jpg

Displaced Persons Camp (1945), Hamburg, Germany, Source/Author Imperial War Museum for UK Govt., (PD)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence” (Gen. 6: 11).

It is difficult to reconstruct the chronology of World War II from my parents’ notebooks.  I can only cobble together bits and pieces.  The times were chaotic.  Territory repeatedly changed hands.  My mother’s narrative is particularly fragmented.

My father saw farms abandoned or destroyed by artillery.  Bridges that had stood for generations were demolished.

Food grew scarce.  Livestock were confiscated without pay by passing troops or slaughtered  outright.  My father took a beloved horse up into the hills, in the hope of finding him again someday.

Two of my father’s brothers and an uncle were forcibly conscripted.  A second uncle was arrested for transporting contraband.

One of the conscripted brothers was finally reunited with the rest of the family in Germany in 1949, having been captured on the Eastern Front and imprisoned by the Russians all that time.  He was a shadow of his former self.

My father, also, witnessed Jews being deported to concentration camps by the Nazis.  He wrote in his notebook:

“The curse was on.  We saw the Jews from Yugoslavia by the thousand[s] in barbed wire wagons, their tongues on the windows and yelling, ‘Water, water!  Please!’  They threw beautiful money, the Yugoslavian dinars, and we picked it up.  This is [the ugliness of] war.  We were children and did not know any better…

[There were] also, German army trains by the dozens going to Yugoslavia fighting partisans.  On their way, [the soldiers] were shining sitting on their tanks, autos, trucks, etc.  On their way home, [they were] filthy, ragged, and flea [bitten].”

My mother was eleven years old when in 1944 the Nazis occupied Hungary.  The war abruptly ended her schooling.

My mother had a personal connection to the Jewish deportation.  The kindhearted woman who ran the local grocery — a woman who had let my mother stand on the counter, when she was a toddler; the very woman who had inspired my mother to dream of working in a food store — was Jewish.

That woman came under cover of darkness to the house one night, and begged for help.  All my grandmother could do was give her some food, and a little money.  The woman was never heard from again.

My mother and her parents, themselves, had to flee to the nearby woods for safety as first Nazi forces, then Russian forces swept through their area.  For a brief time, they went into service in a neighboring village.  But they were never permitted to reclaim their property, so were left homeless.

Expulsion

When Russian forces came through, one of my grandfather’s sisters falsely accused my grandmother of collaborating with the Nazis.  This was the result of a long-simmering grudge related to my great-grandfather.  Promising the village a financial windfall, he had decades earlier left for America with the village’s funds and never made restitution.

It was in this connection, as I understand matters, that my grandmother’s retention of the family’s Hungarian passports saved them.

As Germany’s defeat neared, the USSR urged a plan to evacuate ethnic Germans from Eastern European countries, as an excuse for land redistribution [1A].   In Hungary, many refused to leave the only home they had ever known.

A series of expulsions began in 1946.  As a result, 170,000 German Hungarians were ultimately transported to the American Zone in West Germany; 50,000 to the Soviet Zone in East Germany; and 15,000 to Austria [1B].

Both my parents experienced being transported by cattle car.  The trauma affected my mother so deeply she was unable to speak for a full year afterwards. Continue reading

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The Rose Garden, Chapter 4 – Eden

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3e/Yellow_Chrysanthemums.jpg

Yellow Chrysanthemums, Source https://flickr, Author Joe Lewis,
(CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

The Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed” (Gen. 2: 8).

I am told that at age three I was fearless — routinely toddling along in determined search of adventure, several steps ahead of my grandmother.

Roses

One particular day our path took us past a neighbor’s rose garden.  Evidently drawn to the blossoms, I entered the garden before my grandmother could stop me.

Entranced by the glorious shapes towering above me, I was only vaguely conscious of the heated discussion which ensued when the agitated neighbor rushed anxiously into her yard in defense of the roses.

At that moment, roses — in all shades from ivory to crimson — served to form one of my earliest recollections.

The Bronx

The Bronx is not widely known as a bucolic setting.  A borough of New York City originally named for Dutch settler Jonas Bronck, the Bronx by the 1970s had become a nationally recognized symbol of crime, urban poverty and decay, renowned for burned out buildings.

I was unaware of this growing up.  For me, the Bronx was host to a series of botanical marvels as cherished and familiar as family members.

A Peach Tree, An Apple Tree, and A Pear Tree

To begin with, there was the peach tree in the backyard, valiantly brandishing its fragile petals each spring.

Near that were the brilliant azalea bushes, and the apple tree whose graceful branches stretched past my second floor bedroom window.  Many a daydream was lazily conceived in view of those branches.  A stunted pear tree completed the picture.

Little did I realize that the peach, apple, and pear trees were mere shadows of the lush orchards my grandfather had to leave behind in Hungary.

The Neighbors’ Yards

In the next yard over to the right behind the house reigned a majestic oak, which in the summer months provided both shade and support for a hammock.  I was permitted to use this hammock when on speaking terms with the boy next door — the hammock, a definite incentive to peaceful coexistence or, at any rate, the temporary cessation of hostilities.

The oak truly came into its own in the fall at which point it dropped bushels of acorns before entirely losing its leaves.  The boy and I fought jealously over ownership of the fallen acorns while our fathers — from a rather different perspective — fought over the leaves

The yard to the rear and left of the house was occupied by our Italian neighbors’ carefully cultivated pepper, zucchini, and tomato plants.  Though looked upon with disdain by my Hungarian grandmother, these always grew with abandon.

Adjacent to them, in the yard belonging to my great aunt, grew hydrangea bushes with the mysterious ability to change from pink to blue depending on whether pennies or nickels were buried at their base by attentive children.

Two stately fir trees and a holly bush marked the boundaries of our small front yard.

An Extraordinary Woman

My Spartan grandmother’s garden, however, dominated the yard.  Her garden was one of the few indulgences Grandma allowed herself.  That she could allow herself anything approaching indulgence — given the many hardships she had known — was a testament to her strength.

My grandmother was an extraordinary woman.  In Hungary during World War II, Grandma had survived invasion first by German then Russian armies.  At risk of her life, she disobeyed a Nazi directive and avoided shipment to Siberia.

Though aware that the possession of Hungarian documents was cause for execution under the Nazi regime, my grandmother retained the family’s Hungarian passports throughout the Nazi occupation.

When Russian invaders supplanted Nazi, she was able to produce these passports.  From among some seventy-five persons, only my grandmother, my mother (then still a girl), and two or three others successfully avoided deportation to Siberia. Continue reading

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The Rose Garden, Chapter 3 – History Lessons

File:Ethnic Map of Hungary 1910 with Counties.png

1910 Map of Hungary (ethnicities indicated), Author Ascended Dreamer,
(CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

Then the children of Israel journeyed from Rameses to Succoth, about six hundred thousand men on foot, besides children.  A mixed multitude went up with them also, and flocks and herds — a great deal of livestock” (Ex. 12: 37-38).

The year before my father died, my sister decided he should write down his life story.  She was adamant that both our parents do this, in fact.

So, in two lined, spiral notebooks, Ma and Pop wrote out the family history in longhand.  This was especially difficult for my mother who had earlier suffered a stroke and was nearly illiterate, in any case.

I have the notebooks.  It took me four years to read through them.  Not because of their length, but because of the emotion their contents evoked in me.

Hungary

My parents’ story begins in Hungary.  Then as now, Hungary (Magyarország) was a small, landlocked country in Central Europe.

Since earliest times, Hungary has been a crossroads with a mix of peoples.   Celts, Romans, and Huns; Slavs, Franks, and Bulgars; Magyars and Mongols; Ottomans and Austrians; Serbs, Croatians, Romanians and Czechs; finally Germans and Russians were among those who occupied the territory —  all, in their turn, migrating, invading, vying for power, uniting, dividing, and intermingling.

As I search the narratives for clues to my father’s character and his choices, I find the related history — family and national — immensely moving.

Not only is this my heritage, I see my life mirrored in these events.  Like Hungary, itself, I have been enriched by many sources.  Like Hungary, the territory that is my life has been embattled.

The Great Swabian Trek

Some 150,000 Germans were relocated to Hungary by the Austrian Hapsburgs during the 18th Century.  Their migration came to be known as the “Great Swabian Trek.”

Although from a variety of regions (with many dialects), German settlers were disparagingly called “Swabians” by the Hungarians.  The name came to mean all Germans who settled the Danube valley, an unwanted ethnic group.

Despite hardship, German immigrants to Hungary greatly increased the economic prosperity of that country.  The Banat region where they settled later became known as the “breadbasket of Europe.”

My parents’, grandparents’, and great-grandparents’ lives played out against this background.  This work ethic shaped my life. Continue reading

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The Rose Garden, Chapter 2 – Flypaper

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bb/School_girl_2008_%282633987169%29.jpg

School girl, Source https://www.flickr.com, Author elmimmo, (CC Attribution 2.0 Generic)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3: 21).

My father helped uncounted strangers.  He gave directions, fixed tires, delivered groceries, shared tools, shoveled driveways.  He lent money that went unreturned.  He cleared debris, cut down unwanted tree limbs, and cleaned the home of one elderly man for years.

My father, also, molested me [1].  I have struggled with the scars of the incest my entire life.  My mother never knew about the molestation.  At least, I never told her.  Of course, we were trained early on to protect her.

Why stir things up now?  I am after all a grown woman.  My father has been dead for many years.  I have — I think — come to terms with my past and my pain, perhaps even forgiven him.

Compartmentalization

Yet certain questions haunt me.  Why did this happen?  Did narcissism perhaps play a role [2]?  How can the disparate aspects of my father’s personality be reconciled?  Admittedly, child molesters are expert at compartmentalization [3][4].  Why then can I not break free?

Onset

People who have just learned of the incest will — after a distressed pause — often ask how it first began.  That is not a question I can answer definitively.  I cannot recall the first time.  I simply do not remember a period when the incest was not a part of my reality.

They say children begin to form coherent memories around the age of two.  As abhorrent as the thought may be to anyone concerned for the welfare of children, infants can be molested.  But if the incest had been happening as early as that to me, the subsequent rage would have been so monumental as to destroy me.

My best guess is that the molestation started the summer I was four.  That was the summer my younger sister was born.

Our mother had a difficult pregnancy.  The house was in turmoil because my father and grandfather had decided to install a bathtub.  I remember the smell of plaster and the vacant feel of the house while my mother was hospitalized for the delivery.

Did her absence create opportunity for my father?  Did it generate some unnamed anxiety he chose this way to ease?

Acting Out

Certainly I was acting out sexually by the second grade, a sure sign I was being molested.

Since I attended a parochial grammar school, we wore uniforms, the skirts a sturdy navy serge.  Generally a model student, I invented a game which involved the girls pulling up one another’s skirts.  This caused a great deal of uproar and embarrassment.

The girls in my class learned to sit rigidly on alert, their skirts tucked tightly beneath their thighs to guard against surprise attacks.  Unfortunately, I was at a loss how to prevent the more sinister attacks taking place at home.

Though I could not say why I found the skirt activity compelling, I did not need to engage in the behavior to satisfy any sense of curiosity on my part.  I had by the second grade long known where babies come from, and seen my father naked at close quarters.

He emphasized that this was for my own good; was to compensate for the fact that he had been deprived of anatomic knowledge as a boy.  His sexual instruction was for my benefit.  So he maintained very nearly until his death.

Not that my teachers took notice back then.  Reporting by educators of abuse suspicions did not become mandatory until 1974.

I was ordinarily, in fact, teacher’s pet.  I enjoyed school, therefore, did well.  The fact that — despite this — I was being treated by my father as very nearly mentally impaired set up an internal dichotomy it took decades to resolve. Continue reading

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The Rose Garden, Chapter 1 – The Giant

File:Statue of an athlete, from Hadrian's Villa, from AD 160, British Museum (16113067990).jpg

Statue of an Athlete from Hadrian’s Villa (160 AD), Source British Museum, Author Carole Raddato of Frankfurt, Germany (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

I might with the words of angels be able to reconstruct the landscape of my childhood; portray in all their complexity the most important people in my life, laying bare their hidden motives.  Instead, I am left to grasp at straws, and wonder how the paths we take are determined [1].

In the end, we walk by faith, trusting that Providence has a purpose for our lives.

There were giants on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men and they bore children to them” (Gen. 6: 4).

There is a public space in the northeast corner of the Bronx known as Pelham Bay Park.  Irregular in shape, the park nestles against the less affluent (some would say forgotten) end of Long Island Sound, covering more than 2700 acres.

Unlike most urban parks, Pelham Bay does not consist largely of pavement.  The park offers locals both grassy vistas and wooded areas.  As the result of recent civic improvements, Pelham Bay is today reasonably well groomed.  Due to budgetary constraints, however, the park was for many years left by the City of New York to fend for itself.

Pelham Bay represented wilderness to me as a girl.  In my young mind, the park was vast and uncharted, holding an irresistible appeal. My father and I would drive to the park, and walk in the woods there.  Once I learned to bike without supervision, Pelham Bay Park — some five or six miles from our home — was within my own range.

It was, in fact, at Pelham Bay that my father taught me how to ride a bike.  As with most children, that moment is etched indelibly in my mind.  The event took place in the paved lot behind what my father called “The Giant.”

The Giant was just that, the stone figure of an athlete approximately eighteen feet tall, farther elevated above the nearby park grounds by a small concrete stadium.  This vantage afforded the Giant and those moved to climb the full height of the stadium a bird’s-eye-view of the surrounding countryside and a feeling of great, if temporary, self-satisfaction.

Though fond of the view, I rarely experienced that feeling since my father was always insistent on climbing to the Giant not by way of the steps provided, but by the concrete risers comprising the stadium seats.

“Keep up, Annie,” he would call.  But this route posed a formidable challenge to my much shorter legs, requiring complete concentration and leaving me breathless by the time I finally reached the top.

My father seemed a giant to me as a child.  He would dominate dinner conversation; his personality, fill a room.  He could do no wrong.  Anxious to please him, I routinely made the ascent at Pelham Bay, but regularly experienced the effort as a failure on my part. Continue reading

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Medea – Child Murder as Revenge

File:Medea - A. Gentileschi.jpg

“Medea” by Artemisia Gentileschi (c. 1620), Private Collection, Source https://www.conceptualfinearts.com, Author Stephano Pirovano (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

In Greek mythology, Medea infamously kills her children in order to hurt her unfaithful husband Jason [1][2].  The play by that name was first produced in 431 BC, and has more recently been viewed through a feminist lens [3A].

But child murders are not a thing of the past, and not limited to the stage.

Partner Revenge

“Filicide” is the deliberate killing of a son or daughter for any reason [4A].  A special category of filicide involves the killing of one’s children as revenge on a partner or spouse [5].  Often, such murders are occasioned by infidelity or suspected infidelity.

Those who murder their children out of a desire to harm the other parent view children as mere objects, the means to an end [4B][6A].  Mothers are more likely to kill children during infancy; fathers, more likely to kill children aged 8 y.o. and above [4C]. Continue reading

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The Toxic Workplace

File:Workplace Bullying.jpg

Workplace bullying image, Author GwenFord (CC BY-SA 4.0 International)

The victims of childhood abuse may remain vulnerable to abuse as adults in a variety of circumstances.  Domestic abuse is one example.  Workplace abuse is another.

Hostile Workplace

Abusive conduct in the workplace can range from insults or derogatory statements, humiliating public censure, bullying and threatening remarks, to sabotage of an employee’s work product/professional growth/reputation, sexual harassment, and blatant discrimination [1][2][3][4]. 

Actions that intimidate, belittle or degrade individuals, foster a toxic environment.  They often occur as part of a pattern of behavior.

Dangers of Workplace Abuse

Aside from the psychological impact negative behaviors like these have, they can lead to injuries on the job and outright violence — the third leading cause of occupational fatalities, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics [5]. 

Legal Rights

Employees are entitled under the law to a workplace free of harassment and hostile conduct.

Unfortunately, some employers turn a blind eye to such behavior, rather than actively discouraging it.  As a result, employees in a certain category (for example, Hispanics or young women) may routinely be targeted for abuse.

While this can expose an employer to legal liability, the more important question is how an employee should respond. Continue reading

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Children of the Damned

File:Views around the old city of Mosul in 2019 during the summer, following war with the Islamic State 29.jpg

View of Mosul in 2019, following war with ISIS, Author Levi Clancy (CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication)

In 27 prison camps and detention centers across Syria, some 50,000 of the most dangerous ISIS members and their families are being held indefinitely.  CNN was recently accorded rare access, and found these locations a spawning ground for ISIS [1].

Five years after the caliphate was defeated, the ISIS ideology lives on here.

Though ISIS is known for rape and brutality toward women, the women who defected to ISIS came from over 60 countries.  They complain of the conditions in these camps, but radiate hostility toward the outside world and continue to profess loyalty to ISIS.

Unauthorized training sessions are conducted to prepare child soldiers for conflict.  Young boys are married off to produce the next generation of ISIS fighters.  Some 60 births occur each month.

In an effort to counter this, the Syrian Democratic Forces (SDF) remove adolescent boys from their families, so that they are not further radicalized by their mothers.

Conditions in the SDF rehabilitation centers are somewhat better.  But the number of beds there is limited.

Condemned from Birth

These are children of the damned — condemned from birth to lives constrained by their parents’ choices.

Unlike the children in a 60’s science fiction film by the same name, they are not harbingers of peace [2].  Not only are they confined to detention camps by no fault of their own.  They are fed hate with their mother’s milk, and raised on a diet of lies.

Statements of moral superiority and contempt for others form the basis of the ISIS ideology [3].  Religious reasoning is used to justify criminal actions.  Violent behavior is normalized.  Personal grievances are blamed on others.

And so blood begets blood (Ezek.35: 6; Matt. 26: 52).

Continue reading

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Surviving Child Abuse, Part 2 – Coping Strategies

File:Arizona Wildflowers (47287023152).jpg

Wildflowers, Peridot Mesa, AZ, Source Arizona Wildflowers, Author Alan Stark of Goodyear, AZ (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

Denying or shutting down feelings — emotions, pains, etc. — usually blocks people’s energy or blinds them to important warnings [1].”

The instinctive coping mechanisms for child abuse are repression, denial, and dissociation [2].  These survival mechanisms protect us against the painful truth of the abuse, but tend to maintain the abuse secret.   They are, in the long run, maladaptive.

Therapy, Loving Friends, Self-Care, and Stress Reduction

While there is no single approach proven to be universally successful, there are helpful coping strategies for dealing with the long-term effects of childhood abuse [3A][4A].

These include cognitive behavioral therapy; the support of loving friends and family members; a healthy daily routine of self-care; and stress reduction activities like mindfulness, exercise, and prayer [3B][4B][5][6A].

Supportive and trusting relationships allow us to explore and express our feelings in a safe setting.

Medication can, at times, be useful, as well.

Creativity (Self-Expression)

Creativity is another outlet for expressing our feelings .  We may blog or keep a journal, snap photos, take up amateur dramatics, draw, paint, sculpt, learn to throw pottery or arrange flowers [7][8].  It makes no difference.

Nor does it make a difference whether our efforts meet some ideal standard or not.  The act of self-expression can help us expel the poison and reclaim our joy.

Music

Music touches the soul in ways that words alone cannot [9].  We can experience the positive effect music has whether we compose, play an instrument, dance, sing, or simply listen to music.

Continue reading

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Surviving Child Abuse, Part 1 -Impact

File:Child abuse awareness ribbon.jpg

Blue Ribbon for Child Abuse Awareness, Source flickr.com, Author Trauma And Dissociation Project (CC BY-SA 2.0 Generic)

Childhood abuse — whatever form it may take, including exposure to family violence — can have long-term effects ranging from anxiety, depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), to eating disorders and more [1A][2A][3A].

Shame and Suicide Risk

Our self-esteem is in tatters.  The shame, itself, can be crippling — no matter how misplaced [4].  The risk of suicide is greatly increased [5A].

Physiological Effects

But not all effects are so obvious.  Child abuse is, for instance, thought to contribute to such chronic health issues as heart disease, as well as such autoimmune disorders as type 1 diabetes, psoriasis, fibromyalgia, inflammatory bowel disease, and rheumatoid arthritis [1B][2B][5B]. Continue reading

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