Category Archives: Physical Abuse

January 12, 2014 · 1:00 am

Savannah

WARNING:  Graphic Images

A 9 y.o. Alabama child is alleged to have been run to death as punishment for lying about a candy bar. Savannah Hardin died after being forced to run for three hours around and around her home, carrying 10 lbs. of wood. Authorities are uncertain whether she was physically or verbally coerced.

The girl was being punished for lying about eating the chocolate forbidden to her because of a medical condition. Savannah’s grandmother and stepmother have been charged with her murder.

“Savannah” is such a beautiful name. It evokes lace fans and languorous summer days, Spanish moss trailing from live oaks. But Savannah did not get the chance to live up to her name. Her beauty was snuffed out.

Still, in a way, she stands for the rest of us. We may survive abuse, but all too often we continue to punish ourselves for having been victimized. Around and around we go, carrying old burdens, repeating old patterns of behavior and old insults, old lies, long after the predator is here to inflict them on us.

The scars of abuse are painful and tenacious.  Despite our best efforts, many are likely to last a lifetime.  Sometimes they can even be fatal.

Victims deserve better.  For that, we do not need the predator’s acknowledgment of his guilt. Satisfying though that would be, many of us will simply never get it.

We do not need a family member’s belief in our story; patience with what may have been mislabeled our “quirks”; or comprehension of our anger and grief. Validation and understanding by a loved one are tremendous gifts, but not prerequisites to our recovery.  Recovery is in our own hands.

We know what it was we suffered. Somehow we endured. Many do not. To continue in the same behaviors, the same negative attitudes toward ourselves is to let the predators win. We must fight for our lives. We must rescue ourselves.  We must at least try.

For Savannah’s sake.

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December 29, 2013 · 5:32 am

Good Works

Minimizing the impact of child molestation and other forms of abuse is a way of self-protecting that can lead victims to self-blame and self-hatred.  Negative self-image is often reflected in our inner thought life by an ongoing dialog such as, “I am worthless. No one could love me.”

That we may know on an intellectual level such statements are untrue will not necessarily reduce the power with which we invest them or the frequency with which we engage in them.

Though as abuse victims we may “feel” defective, the truth is that we remain God’s handiwork. He knew before time began the suffering we would be required to endure. Yet He entrusted us with good works – often arising from our very abuse experience – in complete certainty that we would accomplish these.

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2: 10).

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October 20, 2013 · 1:00 am

Normal

Whatever our life experience, nearly all of us wonder at some time or other whether we are normal.  Those of us bearing the physical and emotional scars of child abuse or domestic violence are especially sensitive on this topic.  We feel responsible for the scars, as if they were somehow character flaws.

The term “normal” suggests that differences from average are defects, even the scars resulting from trauma.  In reality, “normal” covers an enormously wide range of behavior, differing from culture to culture, and age to age.

Chances are that all the following would view themselves as normal:  polygamists, monks, strippers, con men, psychics, lion tamers, astrologers, tattoo artists, arms dealers, cave divers, UFO enthusiasts, and Wall Street bankers.

We have different tolerances for risk from one another. We have different appetites from one another. We have different aptitudes and interests from one another.  And we adhere to different moral standards from one another.

The test for hospital release is posing no reasonably foreseeable risk of harm to self or others.  A more relevant inquiry for abuse victims might be whether a particular behavior is effective for achieving their intended goals or not.

If it is done or conceived of by humans, it is human.  Not necessarily laudable or even legal, but human.

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October 13, 2013 · 1:00 am

Modern Slavery

Incomprehensible as it may be, millions today live out a modern version of slavery.  Men, women, and children are sold as if they were brute animals or inanimate objects, forced to work for little or nothing, and subjected to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. 

Human trafficking for sexual exploitation focuses heavily on women and girls.  Children (some as young as 5 or 6) may, also, labor as domestic or agricultural workers.  As many as 53 million children under the age of 15 routinely perform extremely hazardous tasks.

William Wilberforce, an English politician, philanthropist, and abolitionist, spearheaded the parliamentary campaign against the British slave trade for over twenty five years, until passage of the Slave Trade Act in 1807.  Wilberforce then continued his efforts for over twenty five additional years, ultimately achieving passage of the Slavery Abolition Act of 1833.  His health had by then entirely failed, but his devotion takes one’s breath away.

That we are still addressing fundamental questions of liberty, justice, and equality nearly two centuries later – some 3500 years after they were first addressed in the Bible – is a reflection of what Christians would call the “sin nature” of man.  Our flawed human nature does not change from one generation to the next.  The same problems recur, albeit in different guise, one generation after another.

This might seem discouraging to non-believers, an argument for complacency.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  These are the front lines of the battle between good and evil, a battle each generation must fight for itself.  Christians know something that non-believers do not.  Though the battle may rage on, the war has been won.  It was won for us by Jesus’ death and resurrection.

Even the battle is not fought by our strength, but His.  That knowledge is empowering.  It carries us forward to accomplish the impossible.

Make no mistake.  This remains a tragedy.  We should be moved.  We should weep for these children, should pray, advocate, and fight for them.  We may not win the battle.  But our empathy, our common humanity, should be yet more threads drawing us together.

— Excerpt from Connecting Threads

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August 18, 2013 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 6 – Restoring the Relationship with God

The abuse experience can warp the lens through which victims see themselves and the world. It skews even their view of God, since He – perhaps more so than the predator – is blamed for the abuse. Abuse victims must be permitted to vent the full range of emotions elicited by the violation, if their faith in God and relationship with Him are to be restored.

God’s continuing love for abuse victims is more powerful than any symptoms or shame. This does not necessarily mean that the scars of abuse will be erased. Victims are likely to need frequent reminders, both of God’s love and His mercy.

“He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103: 10-12).

” ‘Come now, let us reason together,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool’ “  (Isaiah 1: 18).

” ‘I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for My own sake, and remembers your sins no more’ ”  (Isaiah 43: 25).

Victims might ask themselves whether they would judge another exploited child by the same harsh standards they have applied to themselves; whether the thoughts and behaviors they now characterize as defective on their part would have occurred at all, if they had not been abused.

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August 11, 2013 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 5 – Forgiveness

From a human perspective, it is inconceivable that abuse victims would consider forgiving so grievous a violation as abuse. Only with God’s intervention can abuse victims hope to forgive the perpetrator, and successfully move on with their lives.

Forgiveness begins with a decision to put the violation in the past. It may be necessary to re-address forgiveness as life events bring other areas of unforgiveness to the survivor’s awareness.  This does not mean that the victim should be placed again in harm’s way.

Forgiveness cannot be forced (and does not preclude criminal prosecution). But without it, victims run the risk of being consumed by bitterness. God wants more for them than that.

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July 28, 2013 · 1:00 am

Monster

A monster pled guilty to his despicable acts in open court this week.

To avoid the death penalty, Ariel Castro – the man who held three young women in Cleveland captive for 10 years, who brutally beat, raped, and starved them, killing one of his children in the womb – pled guilty to 977 counts.  Castro was sentenced to life in prison plus 1000 years.  The plea deal spares the women from testifying at trial.

Castro attempted to lay the blame for a decade of voluntary, heinous acts on supposed sexual abuse in his own past and an addiction to pornography.  This was nothing less than slander against the many child abuse survivors who would give their lives rather than harm a child.

According to Childhelp[i], about 30% of child abuse and neglect victims abuse or neglect their children.  This tragic figure tends to mask the fact that 70% of victims do not abuse or neglect their children.

Evil is, in other words, a result of choice.

The Abel study of non-incarcerated sex offenders (those offending against both child and adult victims) found individuals from every walk of life, and all levels of education; 80% between the ages 20 – 49; 53% married, formerly married, or at some point in a partner relationship; and the majority employed[ii].  In some 59% of cases, intense interest in sex with a non-consenting person (child or adult) began in adolescence[iii]  apparently without a trigger.

In studies of juvenile sex offenders, Johnson and Schreir reported prior physical or sexual abuse by 66%; Longo reported prior abuse by 47%[iv].  To the extent these figures are accurate, they suggest 34% – 53% of juvenile sex offenders were never themselves abused.

Admittedly, many factors influence our choices.  But the choices remain in our control.  Monsters make themselves.

[i] Childhelp, National Child Abuse Statistics, http://www.childhelp-usa.com/pages/statistics.

[ii] The Future of Children, Judith V. Becker, PhD, Princeton University http://www.princeton.edu/futureofchildren/publications/docs/04_02_09.pdf.

[iii] As above.

[iv] As above.

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July 25, 2013 · 1:00 am

Attacked at School

Nearly 100 Afghan school girls are believed to have been the victims of gas attacks last month.

In Faryab Province, a man was spotted running toward the school’s orchard at the time of the attack.  In Wardak Province, police found nothing at the school which might have caused the problem. They could not rule out heat and a lack of hygienic conditions. One of the stricken girls, however, reported a “bad smell” and defended her school’s cleanliness.

These were just the latest in a series of incidents involving school girls. In May of this year, 80 girls were taken ill in Faryab Province; another 150, in Balkh Province.  Gas was suspected. In April, 74 girls fell victim in Takhar Province. The odor of gas was present.

The Taliban denies responsibility for these cowardly attacks. There is, however, great fear that the attacks will accelerate once Western forces are withdrawn from Afghanistan.

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July 21, 2013 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 4 – Scriptural Consolation

While abuse victims have not sinned, it can be helpful for them to recall that God encourages even sinners. He sent His Son to save, not condemn us.

“For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved. He that believeth on Him is not condemned…” (John 3: 17-18).

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” (Romans 8: 1).

It is the adversary who condemns the saints, his goal being to paralyze them. It is his voice that victims hear when the darkness presses in on them, not God’s.  But the adversary is a liar.  Lies are his stock in trade.  Abuse victims are the more vulnerable, since early in life they did not receive the nurturing that God intended.

“And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, ‘Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony…’ ” (Revelation 12: 10-11).

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July 14, 2013 · 1:00 am

In the Aftermath of Abuse, Part 3 – Families

Not all families will be supportive of the abused child. Some will actually blame him/her for the abuse. Victims may be accused of lying or labeled as delusional for making such accusations. This is experienced by victims as another betrayal.

Victims may, also, be told that they are “dirty” (or be treated by their families as if that were the case).  In effect, victims can be made scapegoats for the very crimes to which they were subjected.

None of this behavior is biblical.

“But Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven’ ” (Matt. 19: 14).

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