Category Archives: Physical Abuse

June 22, 2014 · 1:00 am

Focus

Reports have been made of abuse by priests, abuse in residential boys’ schools, abuse in church-operated Magdalene laundries, abuse by pediatricians, abuse by police, abuse by politicians shielded by police, abuse by the committees formed to investigate abuse.  The list goes on and on.

Abuse is widespread, generational; the number of victims, staggering.

It is essential that light be shed on this perverted behavior.  It is not necessarily wise, however, that victims focus on the reports of abuse. The sheer numbers can be overwhelming.

We have enough reminders of our brush with evil. The scars of abuse may include perfectionism (and the reaction to it, workaholism), anxiety, depression, sexual difficulties, and weight issues. These pose challenges to many of us on a daily basis. Continue reading →

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June 15, 2014 · 1:00 am

Toxic Families

Since this is Father’s Day, many will be spending time with their families of origin. Not all families, however, are healthy and supportive.

This is a short excerpt from an insightful post on dysfunctional families at KerriChronicles titled “Toxic Family Members – 10 ways to Rescue & Save Yourself”.  You can find the full article at: http://kerrichronicles.com/toxic-family-member-10-ways-to-rescue-save-yourself/#more-6976.  Many thanks to Kerri McKenna!

“…[N]ot every family is built on love, support, and stability. Sometimes family simply means that you share a bloodline…

A family member making you feel unloved, unwelcome, and ashamed for someone else’s behavior towards you, like rape (child molestation\sexual abuse\incest), is not acceptable treatment. Rejection, abandonment, someone…trying to diminish your accomplishments, or someone who is hypercritical of you…

These negative experiences can and will jade you for a lifetime, ruining your life, shifting your existence, changing the way you walk in the world, haunting your days, sometime even making you a product of their environment, repeating these toxic behaviors so it’s a must that you do whatever it takes to get yourself into a positive, nurturing environment, surrounded by loving, affirmative, true God-fearing people…

1. If it’s possible, move out and move on without them… Toxic people share the characteristics…of essential dishonesty and unwillingness to accept any responsibility for their behavior, therefore repairing relationships with toxic people is challenging at best, and often impossible…

2. Forgive. This is not for them, it’s for you. Don’t give them anymore of your life than they’ve already taken.

3. Accept your parents and family members for who they are and accept limitations. Know that you don’t have to repeat their behavior…

4. Allow yourself to get angry… Anger is…a part of the healing process so be angry at your losses but don’t seek revenge, God handles that for us…

7. Set healthy boundaries and stop pretending their toxic behavior is okay and hold them accountable… Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with…

10. Take charge of your life and your happiness. Do good things for you and speak up… Do things that build your self-esteem. Do things you enjoy, things that make you feel good and things that you can be proud of. Invite others that love you along and allow them to share in your new experiences and happiness…”

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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May 18, 2014 · 1:00 am

Abuse-Related Advocacy

Those of us committed to raising awareness of child abuse and violence against women often invest emotionally in the task. Since many of us are abuse survivors, we have a personal stake in bringing public pressure to bear on issues like the funding and oversight of foster care programs.

This is all to the good.

But the problem of abuse has long and pernicious roots. Neither child abuse nor violence against women is a new phenomenon. Both have been present throughout history, can be found worldwide, and are actually tolerated in certain cultures, if not encouraged. That makes the fight to abolish them or at least seek justice for victims extremely difficult.

Our goal is to do nothing less than change the world.

There are pitfalls associated with this fight. To begin with, depending on the cultural setting, advocacy can be dangerous. Readers will remember Malala Yousafzai, the young Pakistani girl attacked by the Taliban in 2012 for a blog post in support of women’s education.

Continual exposure to the ugly details of abuse can be disheartening. In March 2014, federal investigators shut down a global child pornography ring with over 27,000 predators [1]. Victims (mostly male) ranged in age from 3 y.o. and younger to 17 y.o.

Contact with such horrors may cause early burnout, a well recognized risk among social workers.  At a minimum, it can rob us of desire and our capacity to trust the opposite sex. Continue reading →

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May 11, 2014 · 1:00 am

Happy Endings

Americans love a happy ending. We cheer for the good guy. The hero overcomes every obstacle; walks away with barely a scratch. Our movies, our theater, our music all reflect that.

Oh, we can tolerate an occasional film noir or song in a minor key. Just for the change it makes. But, in the end, we want the good guy to win.

All too often, life does not work out that way. The good guy is beaten or at least beaten down. Some of us have to climb the same hill every day. So have we failed? Have abuse victims let down the audience?

No, we have not. We may have internalized an unrealistic standard, may believe we have come up short if our lives are not lived with Prince (or Princess) Charming in a rose covered cottage. But the reality is that it takes enormous courage and enormous strength simply to survive abuse.

We bear the wounds of a combat between the armed and unarmed, a war to which we were subjected before the age of consent.  The physical and psychological scars can last a lifetime. To have endured is to have won.

So, go ahead. Cheer for the good guy. We know what you mean, even if your image of a winner is not exactly the same as ours.

We make our own happy endings.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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April 27, 2014 · 1:00 am

Fault Line

A 7 y.o. Philadelphia girl is reported to have been sexually assaulted by her 59 y.o. foster father [1].

A first assault had been reported. However, the child’s natural mother and the child, herself, were not initially believed. The girl was placed in foster care after her natural father accused the mother of abuse she adamantly denies.

The story is much like thousands of others across the country. A governmental entity charged with the protection of at risk children removes them from one perilous setting only to place them in another.

Often this is not the result of neglect and callousness, so much as overwork. Caseloads can be overwhelmingly high, even for the most dedicated social workers.

Funds for human services departments are chronically inadequate and foster parents few, trustworthy or not. Other governmental (or political) obligations are routinely viewed as more pressing, and given priority in budgets. There are not many well-heeled lobbyists for at risk children. Continue reading →

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April 20, 2014 · 1:00 am

Restored to Life

“Jesus with Samaritan Woman” (12th Century), Jruchi Gospels. Tbilisi, Georgia (PD-Art, PD-Old, Life plus 100)

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live…’ ”(John 11: 25).

Jesus actively ministered to women. He not only healed women (Matt. 8: 14-15), He fellowshipped with them (John 12: 2-3).  And He forgave women their sins (Luke 7: 44-50).

Jesus taught women (Luke 10: 39; John 4: 6-26), upheld their rights in divorce (Matt. 5: 31-32, 19: 3-9), and ignored the laws of ritual purity to address their urgent needs (Matt. 9: 20-22).  Jesus used a Gentile mother, begging for intervention on behalf of her daughter, to illustrate faith (Matt. 15: 22-28), and a poor widow to illustrate generosity (Mark 12: 41-44).

Jesus defended the woman caught in adultery (John 8: 3-11).  Out of compassion, He raised both Jairus’ little girl (Matt. 10: 18-19, 25), and the only son of the widow of Nain (Luke 7: 11-15) from the dead.

And women ministered to Jesus (Luke 8: 1-3).  When all the Apostles but John had fled or gone into hiding, women remained faithful at the cross (Matt. 27: 55-56). While women were not considered reliable witnesses at the time, it was to women Jesus first revealed His Resurrection (Matt. 28: 1-8, Mark 16: 9-10).

Jesus still ministers to women today.  Deadened though we may feel, as a result of abuse, Jesus has the power to restore us to life.  We need only place our trust in Him.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

 

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April 13, 2014 · 1:00 am

Defilement

“When He had called the multitude to Himself, He said to them, ‘Hear and understand: Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man” (Matt. 15: 10-11).

Abuse victims are violated by every possible means. Children are forced to engage in unspeakable acts, are subjected to violence of every kind and made to feel invisible, voiceless.

Their faith is shattered, their trust betrayed.  Their basic needs are unmet – frequently by the very people who should nurture and protect them.

Consciously or unconsciously, victims draw the conclusion that they are deserving of abuse.  Often, that belief is experienced as physical and moral uncleanness.

For reasons they cannot explain, children may abandon hygiene, even soil themselves.

Alternatively, they may become obsessed with cleanliness.  But no amount of scrubbing will erase the abuse.  Since the fault is with the predator (not his victims), purification is never successful and must be repeated, again and again.

When the abuse finally ends, these precious little ones will bear the scars into adulthood. Boys and girls who believed themselves “dirty” may view themselves as worthless (even “bad”) men and women.

As a result, they are likely to submit to further violation. This can take the form of abusive relationships and debasing activities.  With each such relationship or activity, new shame is heaped upon the old.

Christ does not, however, see victims as defiled. He made clear that defilement is not external. It stems rather from the heart.

Nothing, in other words, can be done to a victim which results in defilement. NOTHING.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

 

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April 6, 2014 · 1:00 am

Shared Suffering

Abuse victims often withdraw into themselves:

• For some, this reflects an understandable mistrust of the world, a common result of abuse. Withdrawal, in this connection, is intended as a self-protective strategy, though at great emotional cost.

• Others may withdraw from close contact, in an effort to keep the abuse secret.

• Many of us view ourselves as damaged in a fundamental way by the abuse. Not just injured, but mutilated.  Defective.  This is not a true assessment of our value, but does express the pain we feel.

Self-protection, secrecy, shame.  We deserve better.

Surprisingly, our suffering may become a means of alleviating the suffering of others. As former abuse victims, we can understand and empathize with fellow victims. Shared experiences may actually help us to heal.

But this is not a hard and fast rule. Wrestling with our own grief, we may find interaction with other victims too painful.

God can still use us in any number of ways unrelated to the molestation. Even in isolation, His love surrounds us. Even in isolation, we can pray for the world.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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March 16, 2014 · 1:00 am

Overcoming the World, Part 1 – Fame and Systemic Abuse

What a world it has become.  Headlines scream off the page at us:

Parents Arrested After Allegedly Forcing Girl, 5, to OD on Soda [1].

Doctor convicted of endangering stepdaughter in “waterboarding” Trial[2].

Couple Arrested for Enslaving Teen Girl[3].

FAME

Certainly, fame and affluence do not assure the safety of children.  Melvin Morse – the doctor mentioned above – had appeared on “Oprah” and “Good Morning America”. Fame may, in fact, foster a sense of entitlement on the part of some predators. They come to believe the prohibition against abuse is for lesser mortals.

And fame seems to provide an exemption of sorts from basic standards of morality.

Woody Allen’s adopted daughter, Dylan Farrow, continues to maintain that the filmmaker sexually assaulted her, some two decades ago [4]. Allen was never prosecuted [5A] [5B].

Woody Allen, you may remember, was, also, involved sexually with Soon-Yi Previn, 35 years his junior. Soon-Yi (whom Allen later married) was another adopted daughter of Mia Farrow, a woman with whom Allen had a longterm relationship. Allen has been quoted as saying, “What was the scandal?…There was no scandal…” [6].

Overseas, BBC star Jimmy Savile was repeatedly investigated, but never prosecuted either. Only after his death was it revealed that Savile had abused a staggering 400 children or more, often while they were hospital patients [7].  The possibility of a wider British pedophile ring with influential members protected from prosecution is still being explored.

The California trial of ex-football player Darren Sharper for rape should be instructive. Sharper is under investigation for a total of seven rapes in four states [8]. Assuming the allegations against him to be true, Sharper felt no compunction about drugging women in order to have sex with them.

SYSTEMIC ABUSE

Systemic abuse may be even more appalling. The public is by now familiar with the Catholic Church sex scandal. In “Secrets of the Vatican,” the investigative program, Frontline, recently exposed the culture of corruption which allowed sexual perversion to flourish [9]. But the Catholic Church is not alone in this.

Continue reading →

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March 9, 2014 · 1:00 am

In Esther’s Shoes

“ ‘For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise… from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?’ ” (Esther 4: 14).

The historic events on which this passage from Scripture is based exemplify courage for me. The verses have been an inspiration, over the years, helping me to overcome real and imagined shortcomings.

Esther, you may remember, was a young Jewish woman selected to marry Persian King Xerxes. When an order for the destruction of the Jews came down, Esther was urged by her cousin Mordecai to ask the king that it be rescinded. Though fearing for her life, Esther did speak out. Her intervention saved the Jewish people [1].

As child abuse victims we were powerless. Even as adults, we cannot help but recall the traumatic experiences we were forced to endure.  That fear is, in some sense, still with us.

Rather than a mark of shame, however, the scar is a mark of courage. At our most vulnerable, we somehow survived. That is an enormous achievement.

We stand today in Esther’s shoes.  We have the right to speak out; the right to tell our story, even shout it from the rooftops, if we like.  Secrecy be damned.

We have the right to take back our lives.
—
[1] Purim, the holiday celebrating Esther’s courage and the triumph of her people, falls on March 14 this year.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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