Category Archives: Physical Abuse

November 1, 2015 · 1:00 am

Surrender

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Gal 2: 20).

Recovery from abuse involves more than just flight from an abusive childhood or a past abusive relationship. It involves defining our own space, and rejecting further abusive behavior, whenever and wherever we may encounter such behavior.

In light of this, it is hardly surprising that the Christian concept of “surrender” should have ominous overtones for victims. They have had enough of surrender, enough of a power differential which invariably favored their abusers.

Spiritual Surrender

Spiritual surrender to Christ (also, known as dying to Him) is illustrated by foregoing the natural inclination toward revenge and instead “turning the other cheek” (Matt. 5: 39), behavior for which genuine Christians are known [1].

By Their Fruits

But surrender to Christ does not imply submission to petty tyrants and counterfeit saviors. Nor does surrender to Christ imply complicity in evil. Victims should be justly wary of those seeking to confuse the two. In the search for love and support, many have fallen prey to false messiahs and destructive cults (including cults misappropriating the label “Christian”).

The Bible tells us, “You will know them by their fruits” (Matt. 7: 16). This is a useful test both for identifying cults and abusive individuals. Regardless of the label or language used as camouflage, actions will give away a group or individual’s real intentions.

True Value

To reach the point Christians call surrender to Christ abuse victims must first rediscover their true value. Christ affirms that value, revealing how precious they, in fact, are to Him. Only having confronted that amazing reality are victims ready to lay their natural selves down at Christ’s feet.

“The Christian life is a life in which an indwelling Christ casts out, and therefore quickens, self. We gain ourselves when we lose ourselves. His abiding in us does not destroy but heightens our individuality.”

– “MacLaran’s Expositions of Holy Scripture, From Centre to Circumference, Galatians 2: 20” http://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/galatians/2.htm

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[1] Note that revenge and self-defense are distinct from one another. Scripture permits Christians to defend themselves and their children. Criminal prosecution, society’s response to the wrong, is yet a third alternative.

With thanks to Susanne Schuberth

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October 25, 2015 · 1:00 am

Necessary Anger

Abuse creates a deep wound, leaving behind many emotional, psychological, and spiritual scars. Our experience of reality is altered, our view of the world skewed.

Above all, abuse teaches victims that they are worthless.

Anger

Anger is a step in the process of recovery from abuse, in much the same way that anger is a step in the process of grieving. As victims, we mourn what we have lost – what has been stolen from us. The time, the innocence, the confidence.

Initially, victims may have difficulty “finding” their anger about this loss. They will frequently rationalize the actions of their abusers – minimizing the harm done, and blaming themselves for events (though without cause).

The rationalization is simply how victims cope with damage so profound they can hardly describe it, and emotions that threaten to be titanic.

When Christians characterize victims’ anger as unacceptable, they imply – intentionally or not – that victims are unacceptable to God. Instead of freeing victims from abuse, this affected piety on the part of Christians reinforces victims’ sense of worthlessness.  It pushes victims away from God, depriving them of His consolation.

Depression

In response, some victims will swallow their anger…just as they did in the abusive setting.  However, abuse impacts us at a fundamental level.  Denying our true feelings about it can produce numbness. When anger is denied, all our emotions become muted.

This is not a satisfying way to live. Worse, it puts us at great risk of depression which is often described as anger turned inward.

Detour to Christ

God understands victims’ anger.  In fact, He shares it.

But rage can, also, consume us. If we nurse our very legitimate grievances long enough, bitterness will eat away at our lives like battery acid. Christ offers us a better alternative.

Anger is, in effect, a necessary detour abuse victims take to Christ.

Forgiveness

And anger is a condition precedent to forgiveness, something many Christians fail to understand.

This is not to suggest that victims must endure Christ’s anger before they can be forgiven. Rather, victims must experience and release their own anger before they can freely choose whether or not to forgive their abusers, and move on with their lives.

“Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret—it only causes harm. For evildoers shall be cut off; But those who wait on the Lord, They shall inherit the earth” (Ps. 37: 8-9).

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October 18, 2015 · 1:00 am

Hope

When a grievous situation persists beyond all capacity to endure it, victims of abuse can reach a point of hopelessness.

Those who have never been abused may wonder how that is even possible. Human beings were created with hope engineered into their genes. Each breath we take is a hopeful act. Each morning brings a new dawn.

But if each night brings with it the same terrors – groping hands, broken dishes and broken bones – we may abandon hope. Either that or decide hope is a sham – a delusion by evolution to induce our continued existence in the face of intolerable conditions, or the cruel hoax of an uncaring God who has long since abandoned us.

You can tell when a woman has given up hope. Violence will do that. Poverty will do it. You can see the light go out of a child’s eyes. Neglect will do that. Cruelty will do it, especially cruelty by those “nearest and dearest”.

Once hope is gone, it can be extremely difficult to restore. We dare not trust in the possibility that life may get better. We have been too often disappointed, too often disillusioned.

Counterfeit Christianity

Two brothers in upstate New York, Christopher and Lucas Leonard, ages 17 and 19, were this week beaten so severely by their parents and the members of a so called “Christian” sect that the elder died of internal injuries [1]. Bruce and Deborah Leonard have been charged with first degree manslaughter in the death of their son.

Most people will find this degree of cruelty and violence hard to grasp. It was certainly not, in any sense, Christian. Victims should not be misled by counterfeit religions labeling themselves “Christian”, but misrepresenting the brand.

Real Hope

Christianity does bear on the issue of hope. Continue reading →

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September 27, 2015 · 1:00 am

Christian Marriage and the Misuse of Scripture, Part 3 – Forgiveness

We continue this series on abuse in Christian marriage with the widely misunderstood topic of forgiveness.

Christ came to forgive sins (Matt. 26: 28; Rom. 5: 28). He repeatedly forgave sinners (Luke 7: 44-50), using the words, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do,” even from the cross (Luke 23: 34).

Christians are called on to love their enemies, to forgive those who persecute them (Matt: 5:44; Luke 6: 27-29). The Lord’s Prayer contains the line, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matt. 6: 12).

“Forgiveness Requires that a Woman Return to an Unsafe Marriage”

But the assertion that forgiveness requires a woman to return to an unsafe marriage is patently false.

Forgiveness and trust are distinct from one another. A Christian woman may choose to forgive her husband’s caustic comments, his violence and brutality – electing not to waste any more of her life in bitterness or regret. She need not live in fear under his roof, and run the risk of additional harm to herself or children.

“There Is No Escape from Marriage but Death”

Many an ignorant minister has described submission to the point of death as the hallmark of a Christian woman, and divorce as more harmful to children than a childhood spent in an abusive home.

However, the biblical right of self-defense supersedes any duty of “submission” to an abusive spouse.  Women and children were not ordained as sacrificial lambs to the tempers of men.

As many as 10 million children are exposed to domestic violence annually [1]. These children are likely to experience low self-esteem, social withdrawal, anxiety, and depression [2]. The boys so exposed are many times more likely than normal to become abusers; the girls, many times more likely to become victims [3].

If nothing else, we must save our children.
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[1] Huffington Post, “30 Shocking Domestic Violence Statistics That Remind Us It’s An Epidemic” by Alanna Vagianos, 10/23/14 (Updated 2/13/15), http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/23/domestic-violence-statistics_n_5959776.html.

[2] and [3] National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI), National Institutes of Health (NIH), “The Effects of Child Abuse and Exposure to Domestic Violence on Adolescent Internalizing and Externalizing Behavior Problems” by C. Moylan, T. Herrenkohl, C. Sousa, E. Tajima, R. Herrehkohl, and MJ Russo, 1/10, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2872483/.

This series will conclude next week with Part 4 – Public Shame

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September 6, 2015 · 1:00 am

Kidnapped by Boko Haram

“No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent…
Each man’s death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.”

– “Meditation XVII” by John Donne (1624)

WARNING: Graphic Images

The extremist group Boko Haram has since 2009 led a brutal insurgency in Nigeria with the twin goals of imposing Sharia law and establishing an Islamic regime. Boko Haram is known to utilize child soldiers; engage in the forced conversion, castration, and beheading of non-Muslim men and boys, as well as the kidnap, rape, and forced marriage of women and girls.

Mary Patrick was one of 276 girls kidnapped by Boko Haram in 2014 [1]. The horrors she faced during four months of captivity included cannibalism, the murder of her older sister, and repeated rape by as many as five men at a time.

Given a Muslim name and forced to recite verses from the Quran, over and over, Mary began to lose her identity. Thankfully, she managed to escape before it was too late.

Why the World Matters

Why should this matter to American women? Why should it matter to abuse victims, in particular?

Many abuse victims are likewise brutalized. This tends to focus our attention inward, on short-term survival. But there is a great deal of pain in the world…not ours alone. The girls kidnapped by Boko Haram are just one example.

Abuse victims understand pain. That others, too, have suffered should not demoralize us. Rather, it should motivate us to reach out to one another.

Isolated by abuse though we have been, we are part of the world. We have a responsibility toward the world. And the exercise of that responsibility may actually prove healing to us.

Connection

During the Middle Ages, the bubonic plague or “Black Death” as it was known killed an estimated 75-200 million men, women, and children.

The dead grew so numerous that mass graves had to be dug. Venice and other cities banned the ringing of church bells during funeral processions. The sound was thought to discourage the living.

During one outbreak, the poet and clergyman, John Donne, wrote that no man is an island. We are all connected. That is how Christians see things or should. We are connected to one another – whether abuse victims, plague victims, or the girls kidnapped by Boko Haram.

Leaving the Past Behind

No one can blame victims for seeking to forget their experience of abuse. We long to blot abuse off the face of the earth, and rightly so.

Unfortunately, much as we may desire to leave the past behind, we are often bombarded with unwelcome reminders of it [2]. The ongoing barrage of triggers can feel like defeat; the flashbacks, like daily fresh wounds in a war that has gone on for years [3]. We simply cannot move beyond the pain.

While recovery is not a matter of will power, confronting our demons may help us cut them down to size [4]. And using our experience to benefit others can give meaning to our suffering.

Outward toward the World

If we can manage to direct our attention outward toward the world, we may find that what we have suffered has actually increased our empathy for the suffering of others. Their suffering is personal for us, not merely political.

In turn, they may have lessons they can share with us.

Amazingly, Mary Patrick says that her captivity strengthened her faith. “Before, I didn’t go to church, I didn’t read [the] Bible, I didn’t pray. But now I go to church everyday…I am thankful for my life.”
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[1] See, Voice of the Martyrs Newsletter, “Trained to Kill – Learning to Forgive”, August 2015.

[2] Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is frequently accompanied by intense flashes of memory. These flashbacks are triggered by sounds, smells, people, places, thoughts, and feelings which call to mind the traumatic event. Flashbacks can cause physical and emotional reactions, including a racing heartbeat, muscle tension, and profuse sweating.

[3] Coping strategies for dealing with triggers include deep breathing, mindfulness/grounding techniques, exercise, relaxation and self-care, writing, art, music, and prayer. The support of friends and loved ones can be extremely valuable.

[4] Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Collection, “Prolonged Exposure vs. Supportive Counseling for Sexual Abuse-Related PTSD in Adolescent Girls: A Randomized Clinical Trial” by Edna Foa PhD, Carmen McLean PhD, Sandra Capaldi PsyD, et al, 12/25/13, http://jama.jamanetwork.com/collection.aspx?categoryid=5862.

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August 23, 2015 · 1:00 am

Blood on Our Hands

“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb” (Ps. 139: 13).

Prenatal ultrasound is widely accepted as a safe and inexpensive means of evaluating the health of an unborn child. 3D and 4D ultrasound – though the risk they may pose is still somewhat uncertain – can provide images so clear, at 26-30 weeks of gestation, that a family resemblance may be seen before birth and a baby’s smile captured in the womb.

Occasionally, the findings on ultrasound are inconclusive. With fetal magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), it has been possible since the 1990s for physicians to diagnose head, neck, chest, abdominal, and urinary tract abnormalities in the fetus with a greater degree of resolution than on ultrasound.

Gradually, mankind is pulling back the curtain on mysteries that have existed since the dawn of time. Sometimes – with God’s help – the achievements are miraculous. All we can see though is the physical dimension – the part we can poke or prod, measure and weigh.

God sees through to the heart in a way no MRI or ultrasound can. He is, after all, our Maker.

By contrast, nowhere is evil more evident than in the way the world treats its children. Continue reading →

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August 16, 2015 · 1:00 am

Good Woman Transforms Outlaw, Part 2 – Influence

If we want healthy relationships:

  • We have to guard against fantasies about a man’s “noble” nature that run counter to objective evidence.
  • We have to avoid mistaking surliness on a man’s part for emotional depth and complexity.

Simple, right?  As if relationships were ever simple…

Influence

This brings us to the crux of the matter, and perhaps the most compelling reason misguided thinking about relationships holds women in thrall.

By changing a man, we are demonstrating our power as women. The “civilizing influence” of the female gender is made manifest. Heady stuff, indeed.

By changing – or at least trying to change – a man, we get to exercise power without stepping outside the female stereotype. This is “Beauty and the Beast” with Beauty in charge.

Women may cling to a belief in their ability to change a man in the face of all reason – in the face of violence, itself. Why should that be? There must be powerful forces at work.

Here is what, I think, is going on:

  • First, abuse tends to be self-replicating. Having observed (and frequently been subjected to) abuse since childhood, the victims of domestic violence are likely to view abuse as the norm. Poor self-esteem makes them vulnerable to exploitation by unscrupulous men.
  • Second, the flawed thinking which stems from abuse miscasts the failure to change a man as a woman’s failure. Women may be reluctant to concede defeat, when doing so would undermine their already fragile self-worth and deprive them of their tenuous – if illusory – sense of control.

Continue reading →

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August 9, 2015 · 1:00 am

Good Woman Transforms Outlaw, Part 1 – Intuition and Interpretation

I can help him become a better man. Deep down, he wants to be different. I know it. I can just tell when I look into his eyes.

The things he says and does that hurt me he only does out of fear of losing me. He doesn’t really mean them. He’s a little boy inside. Just wait till he feels secure in our relationship.

You’ll see. He’ll change. I can change him [1].

Why are women so susceptible to this misguided view of relationships? It seems almost a cinematic cliche out of the 40’s and 50’s. Think The Virginian (1943) with Joel McCrea, Angel and the Badman (1947) with John Wayne, Westward the Women (1951) with Robert Taylor, or Shane (1953) with Alan Ladd [2].

Good woman transforms outlaw into law abiding citizen. Women civilize men. The West is won.

What is it about this scenario that appeals so strongly to us? Is it something about the way women are socialized? Can an excess of compassion blind us to reality?

I suspect that there is something else at work, something not nearly so selfless. The appeal rests, I believe, on three bases: intuition, interpretation, and influence.

Intuition

To begin with, there is an attraction by women to the idea of an intuitive capacity on their part, some “special” ability to perceive what others (especially men) cannot.

Traditionally, women have been seen as emotional or intuitive; men, as logical or factual. These days we attribute this to right-brained and left-brained thinking, respectively. It is the principle that “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” [3].

While there is some anatomic basis for this distinction (women, for instance, have a wider corpus callosum uniting the two hemispheres of the brain), there is no reason we can’t be both intuitive and rational.

Women, in other words, are entirely capable of logic. But we’re flattered by the idea that a distinction exists. We want there to be a distinction. Yin and yang. Opposites attract. Intuition is, in some sense, “proof” of our femininity. Continue reading →

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July 19, 2015 · 1:00 am

Hansel and Gretel

WARNING:  Graphic Images

  • Jack Garcia, a 9 year old Maryland boy, was hand-cuffed and beaten mercilessly by his mother’s boyfriend for eating a slice of birthday cake without permission [1]. Robert Wilson then refused to allow the child medical attention for over four hours. A neighbor called 911, but Jack’s mother turned EMS workers away. By the time they returned, Jack had stopped breathing. Somehow the boy clung to life for almost 5 more days in the hospital, before dying of his injuries. It is expected that Wilson’s charges will be upgraded from assault and child abuse.
  • South Carolina parents, James and Crystal Driggers, have been arrested for forcing their 14 year old daughter to live alone in a tent in the woods, as punishment for eating a pop-tart without permission [2]. The girl was allowed nothing more than a roll of toilet paper, a flashlight, a whistle, and a watch in an area known for wild hogs. As food, the girl was given a can of spaghetti-o’s. She was not to return home for a week. Rescued by her grandmother during a severe thunderstorm, the girl was sent back to the tent by her parents. Investigation revealed she had been regularly turned out of their home for 10 hours at a time over the past month, denied water and the use of bathroom facilities during a period of 100 degree heat. The girl was taken to Social Services. Five other children were removed to their grandmother’s custody. The Driggers have been charged with unlawful neglect of a child. More charges are possible.

The punishment inflicted on these children for the most minor and understandable infractions exceeded all bounds of human decency. We search in vain for explanations for such degeneracy.

Few would treat a dog the way these helpless children were treated. And over a question of permission…as if that made the hell to which the children were subjected excusable.

Children are entitled to have their basic needs met – physical, emotional, and psychological.

Imagine how desperately this forsaken boy and girl longed for something good to eat, anything at all to eat. I cannot help but think of Hansel and Gretel, victimized by the witch. Though the children in that fairytale were hungry, too, at least their tormentor was not a family member.

How much more did these flesh and blood children long to hear a kind word, do you think?

“Parents, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged [disheartened and dispirited; their spirits…broke through grief and trouble…or despairing of having any share in the affections of their parents…]” (Col. 3:21 NIV, with commentary from Gill’s Exposition).

Parenthood is a privilege and a blessing, whether it is recognized as that or not. Tenderness is – or should be – a prerequisite. If government intervention were not such a blunt instrument, an argument could almost be made in favor of licensing. At least in theory then permission could be denied the unfit.
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[1] Daily News, “Maryland Boy Brutally Beaten for Eating Birthday Cake Dies in Hospital: Officials” by Boyle Murphy, 7/6/15, http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/maryland-boy-brutally-beaten-eating-birthday-cake-dies-article-1.2283115.

[2] NBC News, “Parents Forced Daughter to Live in Woods After Eating Unauthorized Pop-Tart: Police” by Kathryn Robinson, 7/6/15, http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/parents-force-daughter-live-woods-after-eating-pop-tart-n387591.

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July 12, 2015 · 1:00 am

Abuse Victims and Failure, Part 3 – A Fresh Perspective

“ ‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all…

– Emily Dickinson

Abuse skews the perspective we have on our lives. But our viewpoint (and the labels we choose to apply to our experiences) can make a surprising difference.

What others may call “failures” can be seen as new avenues of exploration or stepping stones to the next success.

  • Thomas Edison made thousands of unsuccessful attempts at creating the light bulb. When a reporter asked him how it felt to fail so often, Edison responded that he had not failed. He had merely ruled out ways that would not work.
  • Babe Ruth was famous for his home run record. But for decades Ruth, also, held the record for strikeouts. He hit 714 home runs, but struck out 1330 times in his career. Ruth said about this, “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”

“I’ve failed over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed.”

– Michael Jordan

The Chance to Start Again

We can view failure as a chance to start again, with more knowledge than we had before [1].

  • The industrialist Henry Ford, the department store magnate RH Macy, and the animator/studio head Walt Disney all filed for bankruptcy, at some point. Yet they are considered exemplars of innovation whose vision changed the world.

Not Counted Out Yet

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”

– Audrey Hepburn

True, we face enormous challenges as abuse victims. True, we may be exhausted from a decades-long battle with the after-effects of abuse. But we should not count ourselves out too soon. Continue reading →

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