Category Archives: Neglect

October 5, 2014 · 1:00 am

Imperfection

We burn the eggs, drip salad dressing down the front of a new blouse. We misplace our glasses, and lock our keys in the car. We mistakenly toss our wallets down the garbage chute, along with the trash. We amass fender benders, and parking tickets. We trip with the dog food, and scatter kibble across the kitchen floor.

Human beings are imperfect…as housekeepers, dry cleaners, locksmiths, building superintendents, and highway patrol officers (not to mention our pets) can attest. Minor shortcomings such as these are the least of our failings. For abuse victims, however, even minor imperfections can be deadly.

Abusers will set impossible standards for their victims, and punishment out of all proportion to an infraction. These standards may be the very ones to which the abusers were held in childhood. Not all abusers were though abused. Nor is childhood abuse a license to abuse others in adulthood.

Some individuals will inflict pain or deprivation on their victims from outright sadism or an extreme narcissism. The abused child (or abused adult partner) is viewed as a representative of the abuser before the world. All the abuser’s insecurities are projected onto the victim, who is then seen as deficient, defective.

Often the abuse victim will strive to achieve these unrealistic standards, as much out of love as out of fear. This is not brainless. Human beings are meant to love. Unfortunately, the image we have of love can be distorted.

Victims commonly blame themselves for an abuser’s actions, preserving at all cost the delusion of an ideal parent, caregiver or spouse. For children, in particular, it is terrifying to contemplate a dangerous world without the protection of a loving adult. Easier to shut our eyes on reality, and assume the abuser’s guilt.

To regain control of our lives, we must stop lying to ourselves; must deliberately set aside the futile pursuit of perfection; and – like the rest of humanity – must come to terms with our limitations.

Thankfully, excellence does not require perfection.  Not even God does.

“But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection” (Col. 3: 14).

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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September 28, 2014 · 1:00 am

Chained

In Southeast Asia, wild elephants are trained to be docile while young.

When an immature elephant is first captured, it is securely tied or chained in place, so that its will may be broken. Unable to escape and denied food or water, the little elephant is repeatedly beaten while the trainer speaks in a calm voice to acclimate the elephant to commands. Afraid, in pain, hungry, and thirsty the young elephant is finally forced to submit.

Adult elephants would be strong enough to break free, but continue to believe in the power of the chains to hold them.

Could there be a more clear picture of child abuse?  We were repeatedly assaulted, at our most vulnerable.  It is no wonder the scars linger.

Now adults, we, too, have the power to break free from our chains.  The very knowledge is exhilarating.

But the extent to which release from our scars is possible will vary from one individual to the next.  For most, this will be a process. Setbacks should be expected.

There is no standard for suffering. Each victim is unique. Release from our scars is not a test of our worth, a calibrated measure of our recovery, or a competition with other victims.

Continued bondage is not another reason to berate ourselves.  Some scars may be intractable.  But there is reason to hope.

“Now behold, an angel of the Lord stood by him, and a light shone in the prison; and he struck Peter on the side and raised him up, saying, ‘Arise quickly!’ And his chains fell off his hands” (Acts 12: 7).

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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August 31, 2014 · 1:00 am

Above Rubies

Cut Ruby Gemstone, Photo by Humanfeather (CC Attribution 3.0 Unported)

Universally, abuse undermines the self-esteem of its victims, often destroying self-worth entirely. This applies whether victims are male or female, children or adults when the abuse takes place.

Erosion

We view ourselves as deficient, defective, often as responsible for the abuse (which we definitely were not), and sometimes as deserving of it (which no one is).

Predators rely on this erosion, actively seeking to engineer it. Damaged self-esteem makes victims more vulnerable, more pliant, increasing a predator’s power over his/her victims.

We may be told that we are “ugly, stupid, worthless turds” and “whores” at the age of 3. Reality has no bearing on the insults and accusations hurled against us. And the closer our relationship is with the abuser (a parent, for instance), the deeper the wound.

Pain and Misperception

The pain can be unbearable, leading many victims to drug and alcohol abuse, cutting, eating disorders, and other self-destructive behaviors. All too often that pain clouds our perception of ourselves. We can see only the negative, our mistakes and shortcomings…even when they are non-existent.

Self-Hatred

Self-loathing will persist long after the physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect has ended. The self-hatred stemming from abuse can interfere with subsequent relationships, and contribute to suicide years later. Continue reading →

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August 17, 2014 · 1:00 am

Depression Rules

Dark Sky, Photo by Antero Pires, Source flickr (CC A-SA, 2.0 Generic)

“O my God, my soul is cast down within me…” (Ps. 42: 6).

There is as yet no known cure for depression, a mood disorder from which many abuse victims suffer.

Depression is a serious medical condition, and potentially fatal, as the recent death of comedian, Robin Williams illustrates.  Depression sufferers should be under the care of a medical professional.

That said, here are a few practical suggestions for coping. I cannot take credit for having developed these, but I have employed them.  I hope they may assist you, as well.

Whatever has caused or contributed to your depression, you are not alone. There is help available. There are people who will understand. Reach out. You are worth the effort.

1. Have a medical work-up.

Depression can be caused by a large variety of factors. Rule out such physical causes as heavy metal exposure, hypoglycemia, and drug side effects.

2. Be kind to your body.

Eat nourishing meals at regular intervals. Go to bed and rise at regular hours (even if you’re tempted to stay up all night, and wander the house). The patterned behavior will help your body (and mind) regain health.

3. Make sure of daily human contact.

The tendency will be to self-isolate. Let friends know you may not have the energy to call them. Ask that they call, text or email you. If nothing else, chat briefly with the mail carrier or store clerk.

4. Exercise.

Research increasingly points to exercise as an antidote for depression. This can involve a walk around the block or something more vigorous. As a secondary benefit, exercise will aid with sleep. Continue reading →

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August 3, 2014 · 1:00 am

Dry Bones

“Prophet Ezekiel” by Michelangelo, Sistine Chapel (1510), Author/Source Web Gallery of Art (PD-Art, Old-100)

“Therefore prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel” ‘ “ (Ezek. 37: 12).

The Old Testament prophet, Ezekiel had a widely known vision in a valley of dry bones.

The corpses there had been scorched by the sun, picked over by vultures and jackals.  God spoke to Ezekiel and asked if the bones could live again, to which Ezekiel replied that only God knew the answer.  God then instructed Ezekiel to prophecy, and life was restored to what was a vast army.

Though Bible commentators agree that the bones were a symbol of Israel, this passage has a highly personal meaning for me.

Many times in my life I have been at the end of my strength.

As an abuse survivor, I have walked lonely beaches at night, and cursed hope for drawing me forward toward another dawn.  As an advocate for the poor and a lawyer responsible for the welfare of clients and staff, I have fought many a losing battle.  As a woman with chronic health problems, I have sat in emergency rooms at 3AM, and more than once lain prostrate in public restrooms, unable even to call for help.

Rarely did God make Himself known to me, in these circumstances.  Unlike Ezekiel, I saw no visions, heard no voices.  But at all times God was present.  It was from God my strength derived, and He that carried me through the worst ordeals. Continue reading →

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July 27, 2014 · 5:00 am

Mercy

Replica of the Ark of the Covenant showing the Mercy Seat, Indonesia, Author Suseno (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

WARNING: Graphic Images

“The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.”

– Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice

  • Myl Dobson, 4 y.o. was hideously tortured by New York caretaker, Kryzie King, during the final months of his life [1]. The youngster had been left with King by his incarcerated father, Okee Wade, whose custody of the boy was actually subject to court ordered supervision. Caseworkers visited the home 9 times without recognizing that the father was absent.
  • In Pennsylvania, a 7 y.o. boy was nearly starved and beaten to death by his mother, Mary Rader, and grandparents, Dennis and Deana Beighley [2]. Weighing only 25 pounds, the child was desperate enough to eat insects on the porch where he was sometimes kept. Dr. Jennifer Wolford of the Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh Child Advocacy Center characterized the boy as “the worst case of medical neglect that I have ever seen…” Two of the boy’s sisters appeared healthy. A 9 y.o. brother was underweight, but not to the same extent.
  • Raymond Frolander’s life was saved by the 11 y.o. boy he molested [3]. The Florida boy’s father walked in on the sexual battery in progress. He beat the predator severely, then went to the kitchen for a butcher knife. According to the father, he would have killed Frolander, if his young son had not at that point intervened.

It is not unusual for victims to exhibit more concern – more mercy, if you will – for their abusers, than those abusers do for them.

What though are we to make of predators such as these? Our first instinct is to draw back in horror, to conclude that these were not human beings at all. These were wolves. Devourers. Continue reading →

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July 20, 2014 · 1:00 am

Bitter Pill

“‘…and the truth shall make you free‘” (John 8: 32).

One particularly tenacious scar of abuse is the vicious criticism victims direct at themselves. In most cases, this criticism continues long after the abuse, itself, has ended. It undercuts our relationships, our endeavors, and our peace of mind.

Because the rationale behind self-criticism is not immediately clear, victims are tempted to take the criticism at face value. This can be a crippling mistake (even a fatal one, if the criticism feeds depression).

When those who preyed on us expressed their criticism of us – our behavior, our hopes and dreams, our very being – verbally, it does not require a great leap of faith to draw the conclusion that our critical inner voice is actually theirs.

What of those among us who were not verbally abused? Abuse by any other name remains abuse. Victims are not unfeeling lumps of clay. They know what is being done to them is wrong, whatever blandishments accompany the violation, whatever labels are applied.

As Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes famously put it, “Even a dog distinguishes between being stumbled over and being kicked.”

Why then is it so difficult for victims to still that inner critic?

The truth at the very heart of abuse, the reason we continue to excoriate ourselves long after the abuser has gone, is that we would rather destroy ourselves than believe we meant so little to someone who should have loved us.

That is a bitter pill to swallow. But it is the medicine we need to heal from this scar.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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June 29, 2014 · 1:00 am

Dead Babies

“They even sacrificed their sons and their daughters to demons, and shed innocent blood, the blood of their sons and daughters, whom they sacrificed to the idols of Canaan; and the land was polluted with blood” (Ps. 106: 37-38).

This seems to be the season for dead babies. That is not intended as a callous remark, merely a sad observation.

• A 15 month old Georgia baby named Emily somehow crawled 300 yards from her home through woods to the edge of a nearby highway [1]. Thankfully, she was rescued in time by a passing motorist. Although the baby had fallen down an embankment, she was unharmed.

• Another Georgia baby, 22 month old, Cooper, was left by his father for 7 hours to die in a hot car. A troubling search was conducted on the family computer re: how long it would take for an animal to die in similar circumstances. The father is said to have gone out to the car at lunch without assisting the child [1A].

• Anna Marie was not lucky either. The 9 month old was left for nearly 4 hours by her father in the back of his truck [2]. The baby’s core temperature was 109 degrees when examined by Florida emergency personnel. She was long dead by that point.

• In Iowa, a 4 month old boy named Gabriel was found dead after having been left for an hour with his 17 y.o. father [3]. The baby had been adopted but returned to his 16 y.o. birth mother, at her request.

Last year, 44 babies died of heatstroke. So far, 12 have died this year. A parent or guardian is charged with neglect in about half such cases.

Most of us find events like this shocking. But these numbers do not begin to scratch the surface. Some 1600 children will die from abuse in the USA this year [4]. Another million will be denied life while still in the womb [5].

How is it we cannot manage to take better care of our children? Continue reading →

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June 22, 2014 · 1:00 am

Focus

Reports have been made of abuse by priests, abuse in residential boys’ schools, abuse in church-operated Magdalene laundries, abuse by pediatricians, abuse by police, abuse by politicians shielded by police, abuse by the committees formed to investigate abuse.  The list goes on and on.

Abuse is widespread, generational; the number of victims, staggering.

It is essential that light be shed on this perverted behavior.  It is not necessarily wise, however, that victims focus on the reports of abuse. The sheer numbers can be overwhelming.

We have enough reminders of our brush with evil. The scars of abuse may include perfectionism (and the reaction to it, workaholism), anxiety, depression, sexual difficulties, and weight issues. These pose challenges to many of us on a daily basis. Continue reading →

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June 15, 2014 · 1:00 am

Toxic Families

Since this is Father’s Day, many will be spending time with their families of origin. Not all families, however, are healthy and supportive.

This is a short excerpt from an insightful post on dysfunctional families at KerriChronicles titled “Toxic Family Members – 10 ways to Rescue & Save Yourself”.  You can find the full article at: http://kerrichronicles.com/toxic-family-member-10-ways-to-rescue-save-yourself/#more-6976.  Many thanks to Kerri McKenna!

“…[N]ot every family is built on love, support, and stability. Sometimes family simply means that you share a bloodline…

A family member making you feel unloved, unwelcome, and ashamed for someone else’s behavior towards you, like rape (child molestation\sexual abuse\incest), is not acceptable treatment. Rejection, abandonment, someone…trying to diminish your accomplishments, or someone who is hypercritical of you…

These negative experiences can and will jade you for a lifetime, ruining your life, shifting your existence, changing the way you walk in the world, haunting your days, sometime even making you a product of their environment, repeating these toxic behaviors so it’s a must that you do whatever it takes to get yourself into a positive, nurturing environment, surrounded by loving, affirmative, true God-fearing people…

1. If it’s possible, move out and move on without them… Toxic people share the characteristics…of essential dishonesty and unwillingness to accept any responsibility for their behavior, therefore repairing relationships with toxic people is challenging at best, and often impossible…

2. Forgive. This is not for them, it’s for you. Don’t give them anymore of your life than they’ve already taken.

3. Accept your parents and family members for who they are and accept limitations. Know that you don’t have to repeat their behavior…

4. Allow yourself to get angry… Anger is…a part of the healing process so be angry at your losses but don’t seek revenge, God handles that for us…

7. Set healthy boundaries and stop pretending their toxic behavior is okay and hold them accountable… Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with…

10. Take charge of your life and your happiness. Do good things for you and speak up… Do things that build your self-esteem. Do things you enjoy, things that make you feel good and things that you can be proud of. Invite others that love you along and allow them to share in your new experiences and happiness…”

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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