Tag Archives: triggers

November 17, 2024 · 1:00 am

The Rose Garden, Chapter 14 – The Inner Critic

File:Depression man.png

Depression, Source https://pixaby.com, Author pixaby user GDJ, (Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication)

“Why are you cast down, O my soul?  And why are you disquieted within me?…” (Ps. 42:11).

I first began experiencing depression, another of the scars of child abuse, in my teens.

Depression is a thought disorder.  It results when the brain does not deliver chemical messages (known as “neurotransmitters”) correctly, thereby interfering with accurate communication between one cell and another.

The connection between child abuse and depression has been clearly established [1].  I can trace the condition’s origins directly to that moment in the course of the abuse when I abandoned hope.

Depression has been a frequent presence in my life.  To varying extent, I can feel the snare daily, but will not give in to it.  To do so would be to let darkness conquer.

For me, chiefly the triggers for depression are situations in which I feel powerless, and failures at love.  These evoke the emotions of the molestation with devastating impact.

When depression is at its worst, the self-contempt is unbearable.  The internal dialogue can be vicious.  What a worthless piece of trash I am!  No wonder my life has been pointless.  This useless heart of mine would be better off torn from my chest.

Continue reading →

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November 10, 2024 · 1:00 am

The Rose Garden, Chapter 13 – Fighting the Scars

File:Fawn in grass 2, by Forest Wander.jpg

Fawn in grass, Source http://www.forestwander.com/fawn-in-grass-2/, Author ForestWander, (CC BY-SA 3.0 United States)

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11: 28).

Sometime in my late teens my pain and anger finally surfaced, and I lost my faith.

Throughout college, I declared to anyone within earshot that I was an atheist and existentialist.  Rather than bow before a God Who — as I saw it — would allow good people to suffer, I preferred to deny God’s existence.

Perfectionism and Procrastination

The evil in which my father had engaged produced a variety of scars on my psyche.  Perfectionism and its companion procrastination were among these.

Writing errors had to be liberally covered over by correction fluid, expunged.  Fasting was the ideal; a mouth full of food, and I was committed to bingeing.  If I so much as awoke later than planned, the day was marred.

It seemed far easier for me to be “perfect” than to be normal.  I had no idea what it was to be normal.   And if I could achieve perfection, perhaps my father would love me again.

Perfectionism is defined in Father-Daughter Incest by Judith Lewis Herman as behavior involving the setting of standards “high beyond reach or reason [1A].”  According to Lewis Herman, perfectionists strain “unremittingly toward impossible goals”; measure themselves “entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment [1B].”

Perfectionism hinges on the belief that making mistakes is the same as failure.  Standards can be set so high they “actually interfere with performance [1C].”  The perfectionist dare not “risk being average,” yet filters out positive comments [1D].  “The underlying belief of the perfectionist is that high standards will keep chaos at bay [1E].”

For incest survivors, a corollary of the belief is that lowering standards — even once, even briefly — is equivalent to the irretrievable loss of innocence.  My first panicked thought on being involved in an auto accident was that my record was now no longer spotless.

Related to perfectionism is paralysis:  better to do nothing than fail.  There is, however, another component to paralysis.

Fight or Flight Response

Most people today are familiar with the fight-or-flight response to danger.  The so-called “acute stress response” was first described by American psychologist, Walter Cannon, in 1929.  According to this theory, animals react to threats either by fleeing or facing them.

The response is automatic, with the sympathetic nervous system triggering the release of specific chemicals to prepare the body for either activity.  Stress results when we can pursue neither course of action in response to threat.

Freeze Response

More recently, psychology has begun to recognize the existence of a freeze response [2].  Think of a fawn frozen in tall grass at the approach of a predator.  The stimulus is overwhelming.  Yet neither fight, nor flight is an available option.  The fawn’s best chance of survival is, in effect, to disappear.

In humans, the freeze response is now believed the tie-in to dissociation.  The predator is so nearby his stench fills your nostrils.  The blood pounds in your ears.  Your heart threatens to explode.  Yet you cannot move, and cannot defend yourself.

Tragically, trauma in humans (especially the young) can have a permanent impact on the nervous system.  We do not possess the capacity to “unfreeze” readily when the danger has passed, so carry the trauma forward.

Situations that mimic key aspects of the traumatic event reproduce the response, and we are once again immobilized with dread.  In the context of molestation, sexual intercourse need not take place for permanent damage to be done. Continue reading →

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July 16, 2023 · 1:00 am

Abuse and Defensiveness, Part 2

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Depiction of Final Judgment on the facade of Amiens Cathedral, France, Author Savant-fou (CC BY- SA 3.0 Unported)

We continue our discussion of defensiveness with an examination of the impact of this psychological defense mechanism on relationships, and the tactics abuse victims can use to stop relying on it.

Impact of Defensiveness

When defensiveness is frequently employed by partners (romantic and otherwise), it is likely to become a vicious cycle with both parties critical and entrenched in their positions before any real discussion of an issue can take place [1A][2A].

Situations easily become tense and hostile.  Everything seems to escalate into a fight [2B].  Issues are never resolved.

In a business context, this is likely to cause isolation from colleagues, and may put a job in jeopardy [2C][3A].  In a romantic context, it will interfere with empathy and intimacy, ultimately becoming destructive to the relationship [1B][3B].

Tactics to Overcome Defensiveness

Professional counseling is one technique for overcoming defensiveness (along with underlying mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and PTSD), particularly as such counseling will increase our awareness of the problem [1C][4A].  Journaling can, also, assist, in this regard [4B].

Acknowledging (rather than attempting to deflect) our feelings can help validate them, and defuse a situation before it gets out of hand [4C].  This allows us to remain calm, listen, express empathy, and focus on the issue at hand without rushing to judgment [2D][4D].

Taking responsibility for something we may truly have done wrong is an opportunity for growth, not a sign of weakness [4E].

Other tactics include building self-esteem, and learning more beneficial communication skills [1D].  Assertiveness training is, for instance, available [5].

Once we recognize the triggers for our defensiveness and understand what may be prompting it, we can more readily ask ourselves what behaviors might be more effective in achieving the specific outcomes we desire while preserving the relationships we value [1E].

Recognition and Eternal Rewards

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ” (Col.  3: 23-24).

This is a flawed and broken world.  We will not always receive from it the justice we believe we deserve or the recognition we desire.  As followers of Christ, we will, in fact, be rejected, reviled, and persecuted (1 Peter 4: 12).

God, however, knows our hearts, as well as our failings.  He knows the experiences, positive and negative, which have shaped our lives.  He knows our pain, and our good intentions, whether we can fully express them or not.

Since He sees and knows all things — but loves us immeasurably, despite that — excuses before God are worthless (Luke 8: 17).  Imperfect as we are, He purchased us at the price of His blood.  This makes defensiveness with Him unnecessary, reducing the pressure on us to employ it with others.

God alone is the final Judge, in any case, the only One whose opinion of us really matters in the end.

—

[1A through 1E]  Healthy Love & Money, “What Is Defensiveness and How It Becomes a Vicious Cycle” by ED Coambs MBA, MA, MS, LMFT, 10/20/22, https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/what-is-defensiveness-and-how-it-becomes-a-vicious-cycle.

[2A through 2E]  Verywell Mind, “How to Stop Being Defensive” by Sanjana Gupta, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-defensive-7187366.

[3A and 3B]  Wikipedia, “Defensive communication”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defensive_communication.

[4A through 4E]  Verywell Mind, “What Is Defensiveness?” by Arlin Cuncic MA, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-defensiveness-5115075.

[5]  Wikipedia, “Assertiveness”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness.

Part 1 in this series was posted last week.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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