Tag Archives: obsessive love

Cyber Harassment and the Death of Bianca Devins, Part 2

Japanese girl group 9nine, Author Hitoshi 061311 (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

Cyber harassment, like that involving the online influencer Bianca Devins and her family, is defined as the use of electronic technologies (computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices) to distress, stalk, or threaten someone [1][2][3][4A].  

“The common factor is the use of technology to establish power and control by causing fear and/or intimidation [4B].”

Online harassment can range from ridicule (cyber bullying, trolling, and dogpiling), the spreading of rumors, and racist rant (hate speech), to the exposure of victims to unwanted sexual or other offensive content (sexual harassment), the dissemination of confidential information or imagery without consent (doxing, sextortion, and revenge porn), impersonation with malicious intent (deepfake), and prolonged surveillance with the intent to intimidate, injure, or kill (cyberstalking). 

Victims may experience stress (severe embarrassment, humiliation, etc.), anxiety, hypervigilance, feelings of powerlessness, and fear for their own safety or the safety of loved ones.  Performance in school and work suffers.  Suicide can result. 

The public can protect itself against cyber harassment by using current security software; strong passwords; and regularly updated privacy settings.   Personal and location information should never be shared online.

Offenses should be reported to the social media platform, the educational institution or employer (as applicable), and police. Continue reading

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Filed under bullying, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Cyber Harassment, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Justice, Law, Sexual Abuse, Violence Against Women

Obsessive Love

“Romeo and Juliet” by Frank Dicksee (1884), Southampton City Art Gallery, Source http://www.odysseetheater.com (PD-Art, PD-Old-80)

The TLC channel is currently running a series titled “90 Day Fiance:  Before the 90 Days” https://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/90-day-fiance-before-the-90-days/ .   Alternately engaging, appalling, and cautionary, this reality show depicts couples whose relationships began online.

Though most have never met, all program participants feel certain they have found true love.  The question presented is, have they?  A more telling question might be, do they understand the nature of love at all?

The latter is a question abuse victims must confront, themselves, if they are to heal.

Online Relationships

Unfortunately, online relationships are prone to the distortion of projection.  We see what we want to see; hear what we want to hear.  We fill in the blanks with the image of our ideal, hope fueling our fantasies.

Abuse victims are especially vulnerable to this distortion.

Abuse and Our View of Love

Child abuse – whatever form it takes (emotional, physical, sexual, or neglect) – skews our view of love.  Abuse teaches us that love must be earned, and requires sacrifice on our part to the point of self-destruction.

Deprived of real love, we become desperate for it.  This continues to play out in adulthood.  We settle for crumbs, for partners who beat us, rob us, and cheat on us – all the while sure that we cannot live without them.

Destructive Love

No mere post (or reality show, for that matter) can capture all the complexities of love.  We can though clear up a few misconceptions.

A great deal done in the name of love is destructive.  Women are frequently stalked in the name of love.  Murders are regularly committed in the name of love.  Teens, in particular, commit suicide in the name of love.

Obsession is not, however, genuine love.

A.  Stalking

Social media and romantic comedies portray stalking as a compliment to the object of the stalker’s “affection” – something funny, even sweet [1][2].

In reality, over 7 million people are stalked each year, most by a former intimate partner [3].  Many are physically attacked, raped, and/or killed by their stalker.  Others live in fear – their privacy violated, their sense of safety gone, their loved ones placed in jeopardy. Continue reading

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Filed under Child Abuse, Christianity, domestic abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Violence Against Women