Showerhead, Author DO’Neill (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported, GNU Free Documentation License)
- You are scrupulous about personal hygiene.
- You change clothes frequently. You cannot bear to wear the same shirt or blouse a second time before washing it. This has nothing to do with vanity.
- Your clothes fade quickly from overwashing.
- You change the sheets whether they need changing or not.
- The hamper fills up constantly. You do laundry several times a week, though you live alone.
- In the shower, a feeling of relief washes over you, along with the water. A sense that you are clean again, restored. But the relief does not last long.
If any of this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing a little known symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
The sensation of “feeling dirty” – a sense of self-disgust – is now recognized as a result of sexual abuse or sexual assault [1]. The feeling of uncleanliness produces an urge to wash in the absence of physical contaminants. Rape victims have been known to scrub their skin raw, in an effort to remove any last taint of their assailant [2].
But that taint has been internalized. We, ourselves, are the source of contamination. We, ourselves, have become impure.
This is a measure of our violation.
It is not, of course, true that we are any less pure or any less worthy than before we were violated. But we do feel that way, and desperately want to rid ourselves of the literal and figurative filth to which we were subjected. Desperately want to restore our own integrity. Continue reading
ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse 