Tag Archives: cleansing rituals

June 22, 2025 · 1:00 am

Feeling Dirty

Showerhead, Author DO’Neill (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported, GNU Free Documentation License)

  • You are scrupulous about personal hygiene.
  • You change clothes frequently.  You cannot bear to wear the same shirt or blouse a second time before washing it. This has nothing to do with vanity. 
  • Your clothes fade quickly from overwashing.
  • You change the sheets whether they need changing or not.
  • The hamper fills up constantly. You do laundry several times a week, though you live alone. 
  • In the shower, a feeling of relief washes over you, along with the water. A sense that you are clean again, restored.  But the relief does not last long.

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing a little known symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  

The sensation of “feeling dirty” – a sense of self-disgust – is now recognized as a result of sexual abuse or sexual assault [1].   The feeling of uncleanliness produces an urge to wash in the absence of physical contaminants.  Rape victims have been known to scrub their skin raw, in an effort to remove any last taint of their assailant [2].

But that taint has been internalized.  We, ourselves, are the source of contamination.  We, ourselves, have become impure. 

This is a measure of our violation.

It is not, of course, true that we are any less pure or any less worthy than before we were violated.  But we do feel that way, and desperately want to rid ourselves of the literal and figurative filth to which we were subjected.  Desperately want to restore our own integrity. Continue reading →

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Filed under Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Physical Abuse, Rape, Religion, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Violence Against Women

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November 26, 2017 · 1:00 am

Filth

Ancient Jewish bath for ritual immersion (“mikveh”), Author Arie Darzi to memorialize the Jewish communities in Spain, Source http://yavan.org.il/pws/gallery!82 (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

“We have been made as the filth of the world, the offscouring of all things…” (1 Cor. 4: 13).

Filth pours out of the wall.  It may look like water, cool clear water, but it is filth.

In fact, the entire bathroom is contaminated.  God knows when it was last cleaned.  The room reeks of the sweat of prior occupants, is covered in a fine white powder from the predator’s own ablutions.

The door cannot be locked; the predator has seen to that.

You take your clothes off preparing to shower, but cannot find a place to lay down the cotton pajamas into which you plan to change.  Perhaps the toilet seat will suffice, if the clothes do not touch the floor, do not touch the wall, do not touch the tank.

You stand naked on the throw rug, an old shag which is, also, filthy, and prepare to step into the tub.  You grit your teeth, avoid looking at yourself in the small mirror that hangs over the sink.  The tub, too, is contaminated.  You know this must be done, so you step over the edge, cringing, toes curled under.

In the shower, you scrub your skin till it is raw.

You dread having to use the only towels available, stiff and worn, rough and faded towels.  You pull one down onto the floor, in order to be able to step out of the tub.  You carefully avoid touching the walls, touching the toilet tank.

You dry yourself awkwardly, as if drying off a stranger, avoid making eye contact with your image in the mirror.  Then you dress, step into slippers, gather your clothes and the used towels in a bundle for the hamper, and step over the threshold, out of the room.

You can never really get clean.  The bathroom may be contaminated by the predator.  But the dirt, the sin, is inside you.

No Escape

“…and though the…young woman cried for help there was no one to rescue her” (Deut. 22: 27).

This is how a victim of sexual abuse feels.  We despise ourselves, loathe our bodies, would shed them if we could [1].  This flesh is what he wants.  His hands have been all over it, taking possession of what is no longer ours.

Desperation alternates with hopelessness.  But there is no sign of rescue and no escape. Continue reading →

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Filed under Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Christianity, Emotional Abuse, Religion, Sexual Abuse

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