Category Archives: Religion

July 20, 2014 · 1:00 am

Bitter Pill

“‘…and the truth shall make you free‘” (John 8: 32).

One particularly tenacious scar of abuse is the vicious criticism victims direct at themselves. In most cases, this criticism continues long after the abuse, itself, has ended. It undercuts our relationships, our endeavors, and our peace of mind.

Because the rationale behind self-criticism is not immediately clear, victims are tempted to take the criticism at face value. This can be a crippling mistake (even a fatal one, if the criticism feeds depression).

When those who preyed on us expressed their criticism of us – our behavior, our hopes and dreams, our very being – verbally, it does not require a great leap of faith to draw the conclusion that our critical inner voice is actually theirs.

What of those among us who were not verbally abused? Abuse by any other name remains abuse. Victims are not unfeeling lumps of clay. They know what is being done to them is wrong, whatever blandishments accompany the violation, whatever labels are applied.

As Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes famously put it, “Even a dog distinguishes between being stumbled over and being kicked.”

Why then is it so difficult for victims to still that inner critic?

The truth at the very heart of abuse, the reason we continue to excoriate ourselves long after the abuser has gone, is that we would rather destroy ourselves than believe we meant so little to someone who should have loved us.

That is a bitter pill to swallow. But it is the medicine we need to heal from this scar.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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July 13, 2014 · 1:00 am

Madame Mayor

“Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, was judging Israel at that time” (Judges 4: 4).

In Turkey, a Muslim woman with a 5th grade education, married at 15 y.o. to an abusive husband, and largely confined to home all her married life, has been elected co-mayor of her district [1].

Technically, men and women have equal rights in Turkey. The reality is far different. Four in ten Turkish women polled in 2009 said they were victims of domestic violence.

Long isolated from the outside world by her husband, Berivan Kilic somehow found the courage to divorce him after fourteen years of marriage. Turkish women do have the legal right to divorce. Since employment is not widely available to women, however, they must either remarry or “fall into the streets”.

Aisan, Berivan’s mother, brokered a third alternative. Aisan convinced Berivan’s father to let Berivan move back home.

With her two young sons, Berivan returned to the house where she grew up. To support herself, she began cutting hair. And she resumed her education by studying at home. This shocked, but intrigued the small town of Kocakoy.

Along the way, Berivan joined the Kurdish Peace and Democracy Party (BDP). The party, whose core values include gender equality, urged Berivan to run for office. Astonishingly, she won.

Local women now have a representative who understands their needs. One of Berivan’s priorities is, in fact, creating employment opportunities for women. She believes that this approach will for cultural reasons accomplish more good than a women’s shelter would. Berivan is, also, planning a crafts market for women’s handmade goods.

An act of courage saved a life, and is today changing other lives for the better.

—

[1] NBC News, “Turkish Teen Bride Divorces and Blazes Trail to Politics” by Emily Feldman, 6/5/14, http://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/turkish-teen-bride-divorces-blazes-trail-politics-n123611.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

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July 6, 2014 · 1:00 am

Breached Defenses

Do a search on variations of the title to this piece, and you will be directed to instructions on how to breach the defenses of various video games, and a few posts on breach of contract. Those are not what concern abuse survivors.

Property

Oh, our defenses were most definitely breached. Whatever meager defenses we had as children – whatever protests we made or attempted to make or wanted to make but were too confused and frightened or too young to make – were ignored and overridden as if our bodies, our souls, were the property of someone else.

Silenced

That is, in fact, how our voices were silenced. Protest was so clearly useless, what would have been the point?

Ongoing Vulnerability

But breach is one of those wounds that keep on giving. Years later, we may tolerate the unexpected groping by an older boy at the beach, the fumblings of a middle-aged optician in a darkened exam room, and despise ourselves for it, when the fault is not ours. Was never ours.

Boundaries are meant to protect us. When they have been violated physically, sexually or emotionally, we become vulnerable to further violation.

This is not an indictment against us, not a sign of weakness on our part. The fact that wounds leave scars is simply proof that we are human.  And we were, after all, children. We never had a real choice; were forced to submit to violation of the most profound kind. Continue reading →

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June 29, 2014 · 1:00 am

Dead Babies

“They even sacrificed their sons and their daughters to demons, and shed innocent blood, the blood of their sons and daughters, whom they sacrificed to the idols of Canaan; and the land was polluted with blood” (Ps. 106: 37-38).

This seems to be the season for dead babies. That is not intended as a callous remark, merely a sad observation.

• A 15 month old Georgia baby named Emily somehow crawled 300 yards from her home through woods to the edge of a nearby highway [1]. Thankfully, she was rescued in time by a passing motorist. Although the baby had fallen down an embankment, she was unharmed.

• Another Georgia baby, 22 month old, Cooper, was left by his father for 7 hours to die in a hot car. A troubling search was conducted on the family computer re: how long it would take for an animal to die in similar circumstances. The father is said to have gone out to the car at lunch without assisting the child [1A].

• Anna Marie was not lucky either. The 9 month old was left for nearly 4 hours by her father in the back of his truck [2]. The baby’s core temperature was 109 degrees when examined by Florida emergency personnel. She was long dead by that point.

• In Iowa, a 4 month old boy named Gabriel was found dead after having been left for an hour with his 17 y.o. father [3]. The baby had been adopted but returned to his 16 y.o. birth mother, at her request.

Last year, 44 babies died of heatstroke. So far, 12 have died this year. A parent or guardian is charged with neglect in about half such cases.

Most of us find events like this shocking. But these numbers do not begin to scratch the surface. Some 1600 children will die from abuse in the USA this year [4]. Another million will be denied life while still in the womb [5].

How is it we cannot manage to take better care of our children? Continue reading →

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June 22, 2014 · 1:00 am

Focus

Reports have been made of abuse by priests, abuse in residential boys’ schools, abuse in church-operated Magdalene laundries, abuse by pediatricians, abuse by police, abuse by politicians shielded by police, abuse by the committees formed to investigate abuse.  The list goes on and on.

Abuse is widespread, generational; the number of victims, staggering.

It is essential that light be shed on this perverted behavior.  It is not necessarily wise, however, that victims focus on the reports of abuse. The sheer numbers can be overwhelming.

We have enough reminders of our brush with evil. The scars of abuse may include perfectionism (and the reaction to it, workaholism), anxiety, depression, sexual difficulties, and weight issues. These pose challenges to many of us on a daily basis. Continue reading →

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May 25, 2014 · 1:00 am

Clerical Celibacy

“Now the sons of [the priest] Eli were corrupt; they did not know the Lord” (1 Samuel 2: 12).

In the context of the Catholic Church sex scandal, it is not unusual to read that celibacy is the root cause of child molestation by priests; that, if only the church would move forward into the modern world and abandon this bizarre requirement of its clergy, instances of child molestation by priests would vanish overnight.

This is in error. It puts the blame for the heinous crime of child sexual abuse on an “outmoded” system of belief, rather than on the shoulders of pederasts, where it rightly belongs.

The vow of celibacy taken by Catholic priests is akin to the vow of fidelity in marriage. There are those who would argue fidelity, too, is a lost cause, a pointless exercise in the face of an overwhelming evolutionary mandate. I am not among them.

The commitment to celibacy is a symbol of the commitment to hold oneself apart from the world, to save our highest and best for God alone [1].

In direct opposition to this, child molestation is, at heart, the abuse of power; an ultimate act of selfishness without regard for the negative impact to victims, in fact, the “sweeter” to the predator because of that impact.

Sex with children is “real” sex. It constitutes a violation of the vow of celibacy, rather than an exception to it. It is certainly a betrayal of the pastoral function.

Grown men and women, whatever their profession or calling, do NOT have sex with children.
—
[1] Not all would agree that this is necessary. Protestant ministers of various denominations follow a different model.

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May 18, 2014 · 1:00 am

Abuse-Related Advocacy

Those of us committed to raising awareness of child abuse and violence against women often invest emotionally in the task. Since many of us are abuse survivors, we have a personal stake in bringing public pressure to bear on issues like the funding and oversight of foster care programs.

This is all to the good.

But the problem of abuse has long and pernicious roots. Neither child abuse nor violence against women is a new phenomenon. Both have been present throughout history, can be found worldwide, and are actually tolerated in certain cultures, if not encouraged. That makes the fight to abolish them or at least seek justice for victims extremely difficult.

Our goal is to do nothing less than change the world.

There are pitfalls associated with this fight. To begin with, depending on the cultural setting, advocacy can be dangerous. Readers will remember Malala Yousafzai, the young Pakistani girl attacked by the Taliban in 2012 for a blog post in support of women’s education.

Continual exposure to the ugly details of abuse can be disheartening. In March 2014, federal investigators shut down a global child pornography ring with over 27,000 predators [1]. Victims (mostly male) ranged in age from 3 y.o. and younger to 17 y.o.

Contact with such horrors may cause early burnout, a well recognized risk among social workers.  At a minimum, it can rob us of desire and our capacity to trust the opposite sex. Continue reading →

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May 4, 2014 · 1:00 am

Common Bond

A rally was held in Nigeria earlier this week to protest that government’s inaction against the Islamic terrorist group, Boko Haram (translated “Western Education Is Sinful”). The group recently kidnapped some 230 school girls, and is selling them into slavery for as little as $12 or “marrying” them to their captors [1].

Though estimates vary, there are as many as 30 million men, women, and children entrapped in slavery, as I write this.

Included among these are forced laborers recruited under threat of violence, by governments and political parties; chattel slaves abducted from their homes – bought, sold, inherited, and given as gifts; bonded laborers whose loans – impossible of repayment – can be passed from generation to generation; child soldiers; child brides in forced marriages; children engaged in toil destructive of their health and well-being; and sexually exploited women and children, now a basis for sex tourism.

If any of this sounds familiar to Americans, it should. The impact of slavery on our country has been immense. It is a lasting scar the extent of which cannot be summed up in a few neat words.

But slavery has not been confined to a single race or nation. Slavery is referenced as far back as the Code of Hammurabi and the Bible [2]. Slavery existed in ancient Egypt, Greece, and Rome; in Ireland, Poland, and elsewhere across the globe. It existed among Christians and Muslims. Slave labor camps in the form of gulags were utilized as a political tool by Russia until 1960. They persist in China (under the name “laogai”) and North Korea today.

By focusing exclusively on grievances of the past – albeit, legitimate grievances – we may overlook the chance we have as Americans of every stripe to make a difference in the present.

The evils (and insidious after-effects) of slavery should, if anything, make America the nation foremost in seeking an end worldwide to that institution, once and for all. Instead, we remain a house divided, consumed by our own pain. Continue reading →

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April 20, 2014 · 1:00 am

Restored to Life

“Jesus with Samaritan Woman” (12th Century), Jruchi Gospels. Tbilisi, Georgia (PD-Art, PD-Old, Life plus 100)

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live…’ ”(John 11: 25).

Jesus actively ministered to women. He not only healed women (Matt. 8: 14-15), He fellowshipped with them (John 12: 2-3).  And He forgave women their sins (Luke 7: 44-50).

Jesus taught women (Luke 10: 39; John 4: 6-26), upheld their rights in divorce (Matt. 5: 31-32, 19: 3-9), and ignored the laws of ritual purity to address their urgent needs (Matt. 9: 20-22).  Jesus used a Gentile mother, begging for intervention on behalf of her daughter, to illustrate faith (Matt. 15: 22-28), and a poor widow to illustrate generosity (Mark 12: 41-44).

Jesus defended the woman caught in adultery (John 8: 3-11).  Out of compassion, He raised both Jairus’ little girl (Matt. 10: 18-19, 25), and the only son of the widow of Nain (Luke 7: 11-15) from the dead.

And women ministered to Jesus (Luke 8: 1-3).  When all the Apostles but John had fled or gone into hiding, women remained faithful at the cross (Matt. 27: 55-56). While women were not considered reliable witnesses at the time, it was to women Jesus first revealed His Resurrection (Matt. 28: 1-8, Mark 16: 9-10).

Jesus still ministers to women today.  Deadened though we may feel, as a result of abuse, Jesus has the power to restore us to life.  We need only place our trust in Him.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

 

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April 13, 2014 · 1:00 am

Defilement

“When He had called the multitude to Himself, He said to them, ‘Hear and understand: Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man” (Matt. 15: 10-11).

Abuse victims are violated by every possible means. Children are forced to engage in unspeakable acts, are subjected to violence of every kind and made to feel invisible, voiceless.

Their faith is shattered, their trust betrayed.  Their basic needs are unmet – frequently by the very people who should nurture and protect them.

Consciously or unconsciously, victims draw the conclusion that they are deserving of abuse.  Often, that belief is experienced as physical and moral uncleanness.

For reasons they cannot explain, children may abandon hygiene, even soil themselves.

Alternatively, they may become obsessed with cleanliness.  But no amount of scrubbing will erase the abuse.  Since the fault is with the predator (not his victims), purification is never successful and must be repeated, again and again.

When the abuse finally ends, these precious little ones will bear the scars into adulthood. Boys and girls who believed themselves “dirty” may view themselves as worthless (even “bad”) men and women.

As a result, they are likely to submit to further violation. This can take the form of abusive relationships and debasing activities.  With each such relationship or activity, new shame is heaped upon the old.

Christ does not, however, see victims as defiled. He made clear that defilement is not external. It stems rather from the heart.

Nothing, in other words, can be done to a victim which results in defilement. NOTHING.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: http://www.alawyersprayers.com

 

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