Depiction of Final Judgment on the facade of Amiens Cathedral, France, Author Savant-fou (CC BY- SA 3.0 Unported)
We continue our discussion of defensiveness with an examination of the impact of this psychological defense mechanism on relationships, and the tactics abuse victims can use to stop relying on it.
Impact of Defensiveness
When defensiveness is frequently employed by partners (romantic and otherwise), it is likely to become a vicious cycle with both parties critical and entrenched in their positions before any real discussion of an issue can take place [1A][2A].
Situations easily become tense and hostile. Everything seems to escalate into a fight [2B]. Issues are never resolved.
In a business context, this is likely to cause isolation from colleagues, and may put a job in jeopardy [2C][3A]. In a romantic context, it will interfere with empathy and intimacy, ultimately becoming destructive to the relationship [1B][3B].
Tactics to Overcome Defensiveness
Professional counseling is one technique for overcoming defensiveness (along with underlying mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and PTSD), particularly as such counseling will increase our awareness of the problem [1C][4A]. Journaling can, also, assist, in this regard [4B].
Acknowledging (rather than attempting to deflect) our feelings can help validate them, and defuse a situation before it gets out of hand [4C]. This allows us to remain calm, listen, express empathy, and focus on the issue at hand without rushing to judgment [2D][4D].
Taking responsibility for something we may truly have done wrong is an opportunity for growth, not a sign of weakness [4E].
Other tactics include building self-esteem, and learning more beneficial communication skills [1D]. Assertiveness training is, for instance, available [5].
Once we recognize the triggers for our defensiveness and understand what may be prompting it, we can more readily ask ourselves what behaviors might be more effective in achieving the specific outcomes we desire while preserving the relationships we value [1E].
Recognition and Eternal Rewards
“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ” (Col. 3: 23-24).
This is a flawed and broken world. We will not always receive from it the justice we believe we deserve or the recognition we desire. As followers of Christ, we will, in fact, be rejected, reviled, and persecuted (1 Peter 4: 12).
God, however, knows our hearts, as well as our failings. He knows the experiences, positive and negative, which have shaped our lives. He knows our pain, and our good intentions, whether we can fully express them or not.
Since He sees and knows all things — but loves us immeasurably, despite that — excuses before God are worthless (Luke 8: 17). Imperfect as we are, He purchased us at the price of His blood. This makes defensiveness with Him unnecessary, reducing the pressure on us to employ it with others.
God alone is the final Judge, in any case, the only One whose opinion of us really matters in the end.
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[1A through 1E] Healthy Love & Money, “What Is Defensiveness and How It Becomes a Vicious Cycle” by ED Coambs MBA, MA, MS, LMFT, 10/20/22, https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/what-is-defensiveness-and-how-it-becomes-a-vicious-cycle.
[2A through 2E] Verywell Mind, “How to Stop Being Defensive” by Sanjana Gupta, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-defensive-7187366.
[3A and 3B] Wikipedia, “Defensive communication”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defensive_communication.
[4A through 4E] Verywell Mind, “What Is Defensiveness?” by Arlin Cuncic MA, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-defensiveness-5115075.
[5] Wikipedia, “Assertiveness”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness.
Part 1 in this series was posted last week.
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