As abuse victims, we will often minimize our pain. We may downplay our pain out of fear, guilt, or a desperate need to believe that the parent/caregiver or partner who caused that pain “deep down” loves us.
This is a short-term coping mechanism, a way of assuring ourselves that we will survive the harm done to us.
It is, also, a way of minimizing the responsibility of those who inflicted that harm on us (and avoid or defer dealing with the anger and grief their betrayal caused us).
Denial v. Reality
Both the victims of childhood abuse and the victims of domestic abuse may employ this coping mechanism, sometimes despite clear evidence to the contrary [1]. A woman whose partner blackened her eyes and knocked her teeth out may, nonetheless, seek to assure concerned family members, “Really, it’s not so bad.”
The problem with this coping mechanism is that it does not address the abuse. The victim denies the reality that he or she has been seriously harmed; may fail to obtain necessary medical treatment; and continues to remain in the abusive situation.
Empowerment and Healing
Children are likely to believe that their world will collapse, if a beloved parent or caregiver is acknowledged to have caused them harm. Adults in abusive relationships may fear the same, particularly since victims’ self-esteem is eroded in such relationships.
“Recognizing and naming the abuse breaks the silence and begins to dismantle the shame…Grieving that loss is a painful but necessary part of healing [2].”
-Gregory Jantz, PhD
Difficult as it may be for us to acknowledge abuse, recognizing the abuse is crucial for victims’ empowerment and healing.
God’s Love for Abuse Victims
We may think that the pain of admitting we have not been loved as we deserved is unbearable, that anything is more tolerable. That is not, however, true.
And God’s love for abuse victims never falters. That love is a powerful sustaining force.
—
[1] Domestic Shelters, “‘It’s really not that bad’ – Why some survivors minimize abuse” by Stephanie Thurrott, 12/18/24, https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/taking-care-of-you/why-some-survivors-minimize-their-abuse.
[2] Psychology Today, “Healing the Scars of Childhood Abuse” by Gregory Jantz PhD, 5/30/25, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-for-relationships/202505/healing-the-scars-of-childhood-abuse?msockid=3ad3725d78f867551ce164fa792266ac.
“Wildflower” by Maggie Watson is a book of poetry by a domestic abuse survivor. The poems are honest, encouraging, and uplifting. The book is available on Amazon.
Though its drivers are considered independent contractors, Uber has been held liable for the rape of a passenger and ordered to pay $8.5 million.
See, https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/uber-found-liable-sexual-assault-case-ordered-pay-129924970.
FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com
A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse and More 
My blog readers feel compassion. May I share your posts with them?
Thank you. That would be an honor.
From the outside, as someone that would like to help, the tendencies you describe here are a struggle for me to navigate. I think that many people (me!) want to “do something” (I have been told that is the wrong approach). I feel so terribly for the victims faced with circumstances they feel are no-win, even while enduring the torment. Prayers for all facing and enduring what they should not have to.
Your desire to help is not wrong. Much of the criticism directed at that desire originates, I think, in a mistaken belief that we cannot empathize w/ others if we have not had the self-same experiences. But empathy is real and powerful. And even a shoulder to cry on can be a lifeline for someone.
Great post, Anna. I tend to minimize everything, definitely due to my history and part of it is just personality.
This is why I sometimes get offended when people try to dismiss me as if to say I’m just exaggerating or over reacting. It’s far more likely I’ve toned everything down, put filters on it, and minimized the entire situation.