“Screaming and Watercolors” by Teresa Wong, Source The Walrus https://thewalrus.ca/good-mom-on-paper/
Whether we have been the victims of trauma or not, some of us adopt a victim mentality.
We view the whole world as against us, and our “luck” as consistently bad [1][2]. We see ourselves as constantly wronged or treated unfairly. We avoid taking personal responsibility, instead blaming our life choices (and their consequences) on others. We have difficulty with change. We can reject helpful suggestions outright.
Like toddlers, we may throw a tantrum, if our victimhood is challenged.
This is learned helplessness. It results in frustration, resentment, and loneliness.
Maladaptive Coping
Self-pity as expressed in a negative view towards life is a maladaptive coping mechanism. Meant to protect us against further disappointment, it is, in the long run, emotionally crippling.
While adopting a “poor, pitiful me” attitude can generate sympathy, it does little or nothing to build character or promote personal growth. The attitude is closely linked to self-sabotage, and not uncommonly associated with a narcissistic personality focused on entitlement.
We may think we are avoiding risk. But we are actually avoiding life, and all it has to offer. Indeed, the chances are that we will attract only those with the same propensity for self-pity and complaint.
Thinking Errors
Thinking errors can contribute to this skewed view of the world and ourselves [3]. These are extreme ways of thinking not grounded in reality. They can fuel self-pity, worry, and bitterness.
Thinking errors to which we can all, at times, fall prey include:
- A mental filter which registers only negative outcomes, while taking no note of positive ones. “Bad things always happen to me.”
- Black and white thinking with no room for a middle ground. “If I’m not perfect, then I’ve failed.”
- Mind reading (assuming we know what others are thinking). “I’m sure she sees me as boring.”
- Crystal ball gazing (making predictions without evidence). “I will never find happiness. What’s the point in trying?”
- Labeling ourselves and others in negative terms, for instance as “useless” or as “losers”.
- Overpersonalizing (assuming every negative comment or event must be directed at us). “Just my luck! I go on vacation to a resort where an earthquake happens.”
- Catastrophizing which considers every negative outcome an existential threat. “If I don’t pass this exam, my life will be a total waste.”
A New Attitude
There are three steps we must take, if we are to move beyond a victim mentality. We must forgive ourselves and those who may have harmed us. We must take responsibility for our own actions. And we must practice gratitude.
Therapy can be enormously helpful, in this respect. But there is a spiritual dimension, as well.
Spiritual Dimension
“Self-pity is a counterfeit coping mechanism that the enemy [Satan] offers to the wounded and broken to deal with pain. What can begin as genuine grieving…can become a lifestyle of negativity and hopelessness [4].”
– Mark DeJesus, Turning Hearts Ministries International
A victim mentality may be motivated by doubt that God has our best interests at heart, or by a misdirected desire for intimacy. But it blocks our ability to connect emotionally with God and others.
We have a choice in how we respond, even to the situations outside our control. But a victim mentality is a poor choice. God meant us to be overcomers.
“For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world – our faith. Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” (1 John 5: 4-5).
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[1] Very Well Mind, “Victim Mentality: Definition, Causes, and Ways to Cope” by Arlin Cuncic MD, 11/15/23, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-victim-mentality-5120615.
[2] Web MD, “What Is a Victim Mentality?”, clinically reviewed by Samantha Bhandari MD, 3/11/24, https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-victim-mentality.
[3] Therapy Central, “What Are Thinking Errors in CBT?”, clinically reviewed by Raffaello Antonino PsychD, 5/9/21, https://therapy-central.com/2021/05/09/thinking-errors-cbt-and-manage-them/.
[4] Mark DeJesus, “Exposing Self-Pity: The Counterfeit Coping Mechanism”, 7/1/17, https://markdejesus.com/exposing-self-pity-counterfeit-coping-mechanism/.
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ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse 
This is so incredibly important. Mentioning the generation of sympathy hit me, as well.
In the past, i have found myself “going along” with a person’s narrative even though it seemed clear they were engaged in making themselves a victim. I did it out of a feeling of support and manners. Later, I realized I had helped to reinforce that victim mindset. With one close friend in particular, it seemed that every person close to them eagerly participated in the person’s illusion that it was a matter of luck, or that the world just didn’t understand.
In the end, we all helped to stunt this person’s life and growth. While we all could’ve been truthful (not in a piling-on or harsh way) and supported them moving forward, we chose to reinforce bad behavior and his victim mentality. I really liked this, Anna. It’s helped me see that, sometimes, even when we have good intentions, I need to be mindful of my words and actions, both for myself and others.
–Scott
Thank you so much, Scott. I’m sure you are being too hard on yourself. But I agree that friendship sometimes entails conveying hard truths, in a loving manner.
I appreciate the thoughts, but let’s just say it was a unique situation (to me anyway).
Point being, I always learn something from your writing. Thanks!
My pleasure.
This description of the victim mentality resonates strongly with how my parents behaved—my mother, perhaps, even more so. Some of my brothers also exhibited similar tendencies. Over time, I noticed them shifting, sometimes asymmetrically, between a victim mindset and an aggressor stance.
Thank you Anna for this insightful article.
You are more than welcome, Hubert.
Ugh…
My maternal uncle was a counselor in our family. For 2 generations we were verbally, physically abused. Mother ask her elder brother why she couldnt remember names and events. He said by unconscious response the mind shuts down protecting, hence shutting out the healthy part. I too do this. At church yesterday I ask prayer from pastor to restore the mind. I am noticing some healing.
cjsmissionaryministry@gmail.com
On Sun, Jul 20, 2025, 12:02 AM ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving
That must have been absolutely dreadful. You are in my prayers.
This post resonates with me in many ways Anna. I’ve always been a “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” type of guy, which usually left me feeling mostly disdain for the “poor, pitiful ME’s” of the world. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “it must be nice to have…..”, yet no one cared to know how many long hours of hard work and ensuing sleepless nights made it possible to live a comfortable life. Nothing ever came easy or was given to me, yet I refused to be a victim of a fractured home and lost childhood.
I know many people who have adopted the victim mentality you write about as their lifestyle. No one has it as hard as they do. They won’t work, but will complain that they never have anything. After reading your post and thinking about it some, I guess I have to admit that I have a real problem with individuals who claim victimhood as their reason for not even trying.
As a Christian, however, my feelings must be tempered with the reality that there are indeed many types of victims, therefore it is not fair to lump everyone into the same category. Still, I do with more people would take an interest in learning how to fish rather than wanting the fish I caught.
Blessings to you my friend!
My experience has been very similar to yours, Ron. As a result, I have little sympathy for professional victims. It is though possible that a real tragedy was the root cause of the unhealthy victim mentality some people adopt.
And blessings to you!
Agreed Anna. One should always consider that there could in fact be legitimate reasons for why a person sees themselves as a victim. I believe they are in the minority however.
I fiound it very encouraging when you said God meant for us to be overcomers and then you backed it up with that wonderful scripture from 1 John 5: 4-5.
This is a hard one
To distinguish between real needs and self pity, regardless of experiencing trauma or not (as you have clarified)
I am the last person to judge in this area but I do know that during the lowest times of my life I mixed with others who were equally hopeless
You hit on something important, Ravishank. The attitudes of those w/ whom we surround ourselves can definitely influence us. We see that on a larger scale in the context of online information silos, such as those typical of incels and conspiracy theorists.
Thank you Anna
Yes, by nature we seem to have a flock mentality (as well as other traits, admittedly)
Dangerous values seem to be easily adopted
History shows it time and time again
It seems we are entering dark times yet again
I fully agree. 😦
It’s so true how easy it is to fall into the “poor me” trap without even realising it. Love the reminder, Anna.
🙂
Grateful for this post, Anna, for your wisdom. It’s too easy for me to fall into this mode of self-pity and those “three steps” you mention are worth taking each time. And adding “looking unto Jesus” — as one of the thieves on the cross did while the other died with mockery and shame.
You are so kind, Dora. It does my heart good to think you find something I’ve written helpful. ❤
Individuals with the “victim mentality” do not attempt to overcome the challenges the Good Lord has given them to make them stronger. Fabulous post, Anna. 🙂
Many thanks, Nancy. 🙂
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Your analysis of the victim mentality is very insightful. You powerfully demonstrate how this mindset, while offering short-term protection, ultimately hinders growth and resilience. I think that recognizing the importance of taking responsibility for one’s own life is actually the key to fostering change. Thank you for your clear and thoughtful exploration of this topic—it’s thought-provoking and self-aware.
Anna, I wish you all the best…Rosie from Germany
Thank you so much for your kind words. All the best to you, too, Rosie. ❤
Anna, thank you for this powerful and honest reflection. Your writing always carries such clarity and depth. It’s a reminder that healing is not just psychological, but also deeply personal and spiritual.
I hardly deserve such praise, Anna. My goal always, however, is to be of some assistance to others.