Invalidation

Distressed woman, Source https://pixaby.com, Author pixaby user “Free-photos” (Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication)

“You’re overreacting.”

“You’re being overly sensitive.”

“You shouldn’t take things so personally.”

“You make a big deal out of everything.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“You probably misunderstood.”

“It never happened that way.  You’re making things up.”

“You shouldn’t be angry [or hurt or sad].”

Invalidation of our feelings, when it becomes a pattern of behavior, is a form of emotional abuse [1A].  Depending on our upbringing, it can begin in childhood, occur during an adult friendship or romantic relationship, or both.

Feelings As Valid

We are born with the capacity to feel in response to our environment and those in it.  Emotions are an important source of information for us [1B].  They help us identify danger, and protect ourselves against it.

Feelings, in themselves, are not right or wrong.  They are the result of thoughts, prior life events, and perceptions unique to ourselves [1C].  Two people can legitimately have different emotional responses to the same situation.

Emotional validation is a critical communication tool, particularly in families [2A].  It helps sustain emotional connection, making us feel safe and secure.  Its absence has the opposite effect.

Mechanism of Invalidation

At various times our feelings may be [1D]:

• Minimized as excessive for a given situation;
• Dismissed as inappropriate or groundless, because our assessment of the situation is supposedly inaccurate; or
• Ignored entirely, as if we were invisible and not experiencing them (or our experience was irrelevant to the abuser which – sad to say – it frequently is).

This can cause enormous shame, over and above the emotion we are actually experiencing and attempting to convey.

Impact on Children

Children who regularly experience emotional invalidation may learn to ignore, hide, or distrust their own emotions, while striving ever harder to please others [2B].  This leaves them dependent on and vulnerable to external validation. 

Invalidation can lead to emotional detachment or, in extreme cases, borderline personality or narcissism.  It is, also, a tool used by narcissists on children and adults alike.

Adult “Gaslighting”

Among adults, invalidation is a powerful if subtle means of manipulation known as “gaslighting” which allows the abuser to alter the victim’s reality.  Abusers routinely use it to blame the victim, and diminish their responsibility for the harm they have done [1E].

Invisible Scars

While emotional invalidation may seem a small thing to those not experiencing it (and is often passed off as such), invalidation can be extremely painful.  

Invalidation diminishes the legitimacy and importance of our feelings, disputes our judgment (as well, at times, as our veracity), and ultimately undermines our confidence in ourselves.  It grinds us down, leaving scars without inflicting a single visible wound.

When our feelings are invalidated, particularly in a family setting or in the context of a close personal relationship, we are effectively ostracized rather than known, accepted, and understood [1F]. 

This can lead to confusion, self-doubt, isolation, and rejection [2C].  It can make us feel “crazy” – damaging our self-worth, and putting us at risk of depression [2D].

Invalidation can be particularly painful for those who experienced it in childhood and are now re-encountering it from a partner; and for those recovering from a trauma like sexual abuse or sexual assault who are rebuffed while attempting to share the traumatic event [1G].

Coping Strategies

Defending ourselves in emotional terms against the abuser is rarely useful [3A].  A debate over the validity of our feelings is, therefore, pointless and should be avoided [1H]. 

Presumably what we want is acknowledgment of the offensive behavior and change [1I].  It is essential to remain calm, communicate assertively, and set boundaries [3B]. 

This can begin with a statement that our feelings have been invalidated.  The straightforward statement indicates that a boundary has been crossed, while at the same time offering the offending party an opportunity to change, assuming he or she is willing.

Seeking support from others apart from the offending party, like sympathetic friends, can be helpful.  Professional counseling can, also, be beneficial [3C].

If improvement does not take place, creating further emotional distance or leaving the relationship outright may be necessary for our own mental health and well-being.

Self-Validation

Support and validation by those who should care for us is not too much to ask.  However, even those who love and accept us will not always agree with us.  We cannot, therefore, rely on external validation alone [1J].

Prayer and meditation can be calming.  Journaling can enable us to gain perspective on events, and recognize our true feelings whether others do or not [3D].  Positive self-affirmations may be helpful [1K].

General wellness is important.  Physical exercise, a healthy diet, hobbies, and relaxation techniques (deep breathing, massage, warm baths, music, etc.) can improve our ability to deal with invalidation and maintain (or reclaim) a healthy sense of self [3E][4].

God’s View

“O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways” (Ps. 139: 1-3).

God, of course, knows the whole truth.  He knows our circumstances and our history.  He knows our thoughts and feelings, and all the reasons for them.  He loves us dearly and understands us completely, whether anyone else ever acknowledges us or not.

—

[1A through 1K]  Live Well with Sharon Martin, “When Someone Invalidates Your Feelings – Emotional Invalidation:  A Form of Emotional Abuse” by Dr. Sharon Martin, 8/26/18,  https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/emotional-invalidation-emotional-abuse/.

[2A through 2D]  Health, Love, and Money, “How Emotional Invalidation Impacts Your Relationship and Finances” by Ed Coambs, 10/28/21,  https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/how-emotional-invalidation-impacts-your-relationship-and-finances#:~:text=Emotional%20invalidation%20is%20when%20someone%27s%20feelings%20are%20denied%2C%20rejected%2C%20or,considerable%20confusion%20and%20self%2Ddoubt.

[3A through 3E]  Grouport Therapy, “Mastering the Art of Responding to Invalidation:  A Guide to Empowerment”, https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-invalidation.

[4]  Mayo Clinic, Stress Management, “Relaxation Techniques:  Try these steps to lower stress”, 1/24/24, https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368.

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