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Those of us who somehow managed to survive childhood abuse and/or domestic violence may actually have contempt for our fellow survivors.
Why is this? Certainly, compassion would seem more natural. After all, we know the pain of those who shared the same experience.
The answer is surprisingly simple. We project onto others the contempt we feel for ourselves.
Weakness
They were weak, at least we think they were. We do not want to be associated with weakness. That might imply we were once weak, too.
It would dredge up the fear and vulnerability — the trauma — of childhood abuse or domestic violence. It might imply that we were powerless in the face of abuse or domestic violence. That knowledge is too distressing for us. Better to hold others in contempt.
That we still have such intense feelings suggests we have not fully come to terms with our experience.
Projection
Psychologically, projection is the process of displacing our feelings — whether onto another person or object [1].
Projection is a normal defense mechanism. Unconsciously, we attribute what is uncomfortable or unacceptable about ourselves to others.
Usually the attitude, trait, or behavior is too difficult for us to acknowledge. We cope by distancing ourselves from it. This helps to protect our shattered self-esteem.
Abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Psychologists characterize trauma as any deeply distressing or disturbing experience [2]. Events like natural disasters, combat, or rape are bound to produce profound emotional disturbances in human beings.
In the immediate aftermath, shock and denial are common. Longer term, our reactions can include volatile feelings, physical symptoms like headaches or nausea, and strained relationships.
For some, moving beyond these symptoms can be challenging [3]. We may re-experience our trauma in flashbacks, with memories resurfacing at unexpected moments to such an extent that it can be difficult for us to remain in contact with reality [4].
If our traumatic experience was ongoing for an extended period of time, recovery may be even more arduous.
Self-Care
Self-care following abuse or other trauma is essential to recovery [5].
Physically, this involves sleep, healthy food, exercise, and a return to regular routines. Emotionally, it may involve professional counseling, journaling, the support of caring friends, communing with nature, and prayer.
Self-Compassion
“He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And…set at liberty those who are oppressed…” (Luke 4: 18).
The development of self-compassion is a feature of emotional recovery.
Compassion for self is no different than compassion for others [6]. We recognize our own suffering, just as we would recognize theirs. Self-criticism and merciless self-judgment are set aside.
The truth is we were powerless. That fact may make us angry, even depressed. It should not defeat us.
Surviving abuse took enormous strength on our part. We withstood attempts to isolate, control, demean, and terrify us. We withstood threats and brutality. We may not have felt strong. But we were.
And we deserve more than contempt.
—
[1] Psychology Today, “Projection”, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/projection.
[2] American Psychological Association, “Recovering emotionally from disaster” by Kevin Rowell PhD and Rebecca Thomley PsyD, https://www.apa.org/topics/disasters-response/recovering.
[3] Mayo Clinic, “Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)”, https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967.
[4] Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN), “Flashbacks”, https://www.rainn.org/articles/flashbacks.
[5] Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN), “Self-Care”, https://www.rainn.org/articles/self-care-after-trauma.
[6] Self-Compassion, “What Is Self-Compassion?” by Dr. Kristin Neff, https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/.
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ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse and More 
We treated projected contempt, with its anger and violent outbursts, by using gestalt therapy. I found it effective, especially for younger children.
Thank you for sharing that information, Dolly. You are an endless resource. ❤
My pleasure, dear Anna.
Very well written Anna, and your thoroughness and detail about a very sensitive and often misunderstood topic is enlightening. I especially appreciated this: “ The truth is we were powerless. That fact may make us angry, even depressed. It should not defeat us”.
What a powerful statement, one that all victims of abuse or trauma should embrace.
I speak from the heart, having wrestled with these issues myself. Somehow God sustains us. I know He has sustained me.
Für viele ist es schwer, überhaupt diese Empfindungen zu verarbeiten und damit fertig zu werden. LG M.
Sehr wahr, Marie. Aber Gott unterstützt uns auch darin. LG, A. ❤
Interesting perspective on projection; wait till you read my blog next Saturday, an article from Cookie Schwaeber-Issen in All Israel News. Rich and accurate portrayals of how we view others through distorted lenses.
❤️&🙏, c.a.
I look forward to it, CA.
“We project onto others the contempt we feel for ourselves.” — a cycle of bitterness that’s mutually destructive and only God’s love shed abroad in our hearts can free us from. Thank you for your illuminating words of counsel, Anna.
Yes, it is only God who frees us. He is the One who heals our scars.