Distressed woman, Source https://pixaby.com, Author pixaby user “Free-photos” (Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication)
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re being overly sensitive.”
“You shouldn’t take things so personally.”
“You make a big deal out of everything.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”
“You probably misunderstood.”
“It never happened that way. You’re making things up.”
“You shouldn’t be angry [or hurt or sad].”
Invalidation of our feelings, when it becomes a pattern of behavior, is a form of emotional abuse [1A]. Depending on our upbringing, it can begin in childhood, occur during an adult friendship or romantic relationship, or both.
Feelings As Valid
We are born with the capacity to feel in response to our environment and those in it. Emotions are an important source of information for us [1B]. They help us identify danger, and protect ourselves against it.
Feelings, in themselves, are not right or wrong. They are the result of thoughts, prior life events, and perceptions unique to ourselves [1C]. Two people can legitimately have different emotional responses to the same situation.
Emotional validation is a critical communication tool, particularly in families [2A]. It helps sustain emotional connection, making us feel safe and secure. Its absence has the opposite effect.
Mechanism of Invalidation
At various times our feelings may be [1D]:
- Minimized as excessive for a given situation;
- Dismissed as inappropriate or groundless, because our assessment of the situation is supposedly inaccurate; or
- Ignored entirely, as if we were invisible and not experiencing them (or our experience was irrelevant to the abuser which – sad to say – it frequently is).
This can cause enormous shame, over and above the emotion we are actually experiencing and attempting to convey.
Impact on Children
Children who regularly experience emotional invalidation may learn to ignore, hide, or distrust their own emotions, while striving ever harder to please others [2B]. This leaves them dependent on and vulnerable to external validation.
Invalidation can lead to emotional detachment or, in extreme cases, borderline personality or narcissism. It is, also, a tool used by narcissists on children and adults alike.
Adult “Gaslighting”
Among adults, invalidation is a powerful if subtle means of manipulation known as “gaslighting” which allows the abuser to alter the victim’s reality. Abusers routinely use it to blame the victim, and diminish their responsibility for the harm they have done [1E]. Continue reading
ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse 