Tag Archives: domestic violence

May 25, 2025 · 1:00 am

Trauma Bonding

Cycle of Abuse Chart created by Avanduyn (PD)

A trauma bond is the emotional connection between a victim and perpetrator that arises from cyclical abuse (discussed below) [1A].  Trauma bonds can form in connection with the parent/child relationship, friendships, romantic relationships, sex trafficking, and in other contexts [1B].

Cyclical Abuse 

Cyclical abuse is characterized by increasing tension and placation; an incident of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; surface reconciliation; then a calm interval (however brief), after which the cycle repeats [2][3A]. 

Trauma Bond Components

Trauma bonds are based on terror, dominance, and unpredictability [1C].  Two main factors contribute to their formation:  a power imbalance, and intermittent reinforcement (reward/punishment) [1D].

Trauma bonds can have multiple components:

  • Love for the abuser (or who the abuser appears to be on a good day). Hope and promises that the abuser will reform feed into this.
  • Compassion for the abuser, if he or she had a difficult past.
  • Fear of escalation, with the victim often receiving death threats, if departure is contemplated. Because of this, many victims conclude it is “safer” to stay with their abuser, despite the abuse.
  • Fear for the safety of loved ones, whose lives may, also, have been threatened.
  • Diminished self-esteem, as a result of the abuse.
  • Lack of financial resources. Victims are commonly deprived of these by their abuser.
  • Shame.  Public opinion is frequently that victims are “weak” to stay with an abuser or “materialistic”, if the abuser is well-off financially.  As a result, victims are likely to hide the abuse from others.  This serves to further isolate them.

The first instance of abuse is often viewed as an anomaly, a one-off [1E].  A profuse apology and professions of “love” lull the victim into a false belief that the abuse will not recur [1F]. 

Repeat instances of abuse generate a cognitive shift, i.e. a belief that preventing (or escaping) the abuse is no longer in the victim’s power [1G].  By this point the trauma bond has been well established [3B]. Continue reading →

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May 5, 2024 · 1:00 am

“Creating a Safety Plan for Leaving an Abusive Relationship” by Ann Bale

File:(2) Cycle of abuse, power & control issues in domestic abuse situations.gif

Cycle of Domestic Abuse, Source https://flickr.com, Author moggs oceanlane, (CC Attribtution 2.0 Generic)

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE 800-799-7233

The post below is by Ann Bale of Don’t Lose Hope, https://sexaddictionpartners.wordpress.com/blog-feed/  .  Ann has an MA in Psychology, and a Diploma in Clinical and Pastoral Counseling.  She is a certified life skills coach.

Suggestions by Women’s Law for safety planning with children, in school, in rural areas, in court, on the internet, and when an abuser is released from jail can be found at:  https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/safety-planning.

Additional safety suggestions by the Domestic Violence Crisis Center of Connecticut covering the home, workplace, and stalking situations can be found at:  https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf.

Victims should be aware that an abuser may become more violent when an abusive relationship ends.

“‘How many scars have we justified because we loved the person who was holding the knife.’

– Unknown

Creating a Safety Plan is a crucial step when leaving an abusive relationship. Below is a general safety plan. However, you may wish to reach out to support organizations for guidance related to your specific situation.

Things you will need to consider/ have in place include:

1. Emergency Contacts

  • Compile a list of trusted safe friends, family members, and local domestic violence hotlines.
  • Share your Safety Plan (a plan you’ve devised using the information below) with your trusted contacts. This will enable them to help you in an emergency.
  • Establish secret words or signals with your support network to alert them, in case of danger.

2. Safe Housing

  • Identify (in advance) a safe place to stay. This might be a friend’s or family member’s home, or a domestic violence shelter.
  • Ensure it’s a location the abuser doesn’t know about, and is unlikely to call at.

3. Important Documents

Gather together essential documents. You should also store additional copies of these in a secure place (perhaps with a friend). These may include:

  • Identification (ID, passport)
  • Birth certificates
  • Social security cards
  • Marriage certificate
  • Driver’s license
  • Bank statements
  • Health insurance information
  • Address book
  • Lease or mortgage documents

4. Financial Resources

  • Open a bank account (in advance) in your name only.
  • Set aside some cash in case you need it.
  • Keep a record of your financial resources, such as credit cards and savings information, and any other sources of income.

5. Emergency Bag

Prepare an emergency bag with the following items:

  • Medication
  • Clothing for a few days
  • Personal hygiene items
  • Cell phone and charger
  • Important documents and copies
  • Spare keys”

Continue reading →

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October 20, 2013 · 1:00 am

Normal

Whatever our life experience, nearly all of us wonder at some time or other whether we are normal.  Those of us bearing the physical and emotional scars of child abuse or domestic violence are especially sensitive on this topic.  We feel responsible for the scars, as if they were somehow character flaws.

The term “normal” suggests that differences from average are defects, even the scars resulting from trauma.  In reality, “normal” covers an enormously wide range of behavior, differing from culture to culture, and age to age.

Chances are that all the following would view themselves as normal:  polygamists, monks, strippers, con men, psychics, lion tamers, astrologers, tattoo artists, arms dealers, cave divers, UFO enthusiasts, and Wall Street bankers.

We have different tolerances for risk from one another. We have different appetites from one another. We have different aptitudes and interests from one another.  And we adhere to different moral standards from one another.

The test for hospital release is posing no reasonably foreseeable risk of harm to self or others.  A more relevant inquiry for abuse victims might be whether a particular behavior is effective for achieving their intended goals or not.

If it is done or conceived of by humans, it is human.  Not necessarily laudable or even legal, but human.

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com

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