Mimi & Eunice Cartoon: “Posture”, Source https://mimiandeunice.com/2011/10/20/posture/, Author Nina Paley, (CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported)
“Ugh. I hate the sight of your ugly face.”
“I wish I’d never had you. I should have gotten an abortion.”
“You’re useless. You’ll never amount to anything.”
“How can you be so stupid? No wonder you have no friends.”
“Now, look what you made me do. It’s all your fault.”
“No one could love you. No one ever will.”
Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars. But the wounds go deep. We may as well have scalding water dumped over us.
Emotional abuse is often mischaracterized as a less damaging form of child abuse. To the contrary, the American Academy of Pediatrics calls it, “the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect” [1A].
Such abuse can carry over into adult relationships [2]. We settle for what we think we deserve. There is, therefore, a clear link to domestic abuse [3].
Emotional abuse of children may be accompanied by physical neglect, physical abuse, or sexual abuse.
However, there is credible evidence that the victims of emotional abuse and emotional neglect exhibit equal or worse immediate and long-term effects than the survivors of other forms of maltreatment and violence [1B].
Types of Emotional Abuse
A. Cruelty
Emotional abuse can involve name calling; constant criticism; negative remarks about a child’s (or later an adult partner’s) appearance, intellect, abilities, hopes, and dreams; cruel jokes at a child’s (or later an adult partner’s) expense; deliberate humiliation; and threats of violence or abandonment [4A].
A parent may permanently damage a child’s self-esteem simply by withholding all kind and encouraging remarks [4B].
B. Manipulation
There are other varieties of emotional abuse, no less harmful to a child. These can range from manipulating or scapegoating a child; failing to promote a child’s social development by forbidding friends, and forcing isolation on a child; to making a child the parent’s emotional partner (covert incest); or exposing a child to traumatic events like domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse [4C].
C. Excessive Control
Children can be damaged if they are pushed too hard, in order to fulfill a parent’s own ambitions, or controlled so closely that they have no lives of their own [4D].
D. Emotional Neglect
At the other extreme, children can be emotionally harmed, if they are regularly ignored [4E].
Failure by a parent to interact at all with a child is known as emotional neglect. This can occur if, for instance, a parent suffers from serious mental illness. It can be devastating for the child, even if he or she is otherwise fed and clothed.
E. Domestic Abuse
In the context of domestic violence, emotional abuse is often accompanied by extreme jealousy; isolation; enforced dependence; and coercive control by the abusive partner over money, travel, and communication with family and friends [5A].
Subtle Signs
There are no obvious signs of emotional abuse:
- In infants and pre-schoolers, emotional abuse can manifest as overly affectionate behavior toward strangers; wariness or anxiety; and cruelty to other children or animals [4F]. There is no close bond with the parent.
- In older children, emotional abuse can manifest as language, knowledge, or behavior inappropriate for the child’s age; difficulty on the child’s part controlling his or her emotions; a lack of social skills, with few friends on the child’s part; and isolation from parents [4G].
- In adults, symptoms of emotional abuse can include constant apologies for the abusive partner; self-doubt; difficulty making decisions; constant second guessing; spinning events to avoid confrontation; and withholding information from loved ones [5B].
Aftermath
Those who were emotionally abused as children may experience relationship difficulties, low self-esteem, and an increased risk of social withdrawal, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and self-harm in later life [1C].
Therapy centers around rebuilding the capacity for trust and attachment; the sense of self; and the tolerance for intense emotions [1D]. These were either not acquired in childhood or distorted because of a lack of responsive and consistent emotional support.
God’s Love for Abuse Victims
“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds” (Ps. 147: 3).
God sees the wounds the world does not. He saves those crushed in spirit (Ps. 34: 18). Healing is a process. But God’s love is ever present to support individuals during times of emotional distress.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jer. 31: 3)
“You are far more precious than jewels” (adapted from Prov. 31: 10)
“You are My masterpiece” (adapted from Eph. 2: 10)
“Under My wings you will find refuge” (adapted from Ps. 91: 4)
“I am with you always” (Matt. 28: 20).
—
[1] APA PsycNet, “Treating Adult Survivors of Emotional Abuse and Neglect: A New Framework” by Frances Grossman et al, 2017, https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2017-01147-002.html.
[2] Emerald Coast Behavioral Hospital, “How Childhood Trauma Can Carry into Adulthood”, 10/114/24, https://emeraldcoastbehavioral.com/blog/how-childhood-trauma-can-carry-into-adulthood/.
[3] Science Direct, “Association between childhood abuse, exposure to domestic violence, and the risk of later violent revictimization in Australia”, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213425000699.
[4A through 4G] National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), “Emotional Abuse”, https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/emotional-abuse/.
[5A and 5B] Women’s Law, “Emotional and Psychological Abuse”, 9/8/21, https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse.
THE NATIONAL CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE IS 800-422-4453
THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE IS 800-799-7233
FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com
ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse 
Very interesting, informative and important. Thank you Anna!
Many thanks, Francisco.
Always a pleasure Anna.
I just learned something new thanks to you, Anna. I’m fortunate in that I’ve remained unaware of many of these issues simply because they haven’t been an obvious part of my life—at least, not that I know of. What I have seen are the immense burdens borne by children of single parents, especially those in particularly challenging circumstances (I can think of one case I’m aware of right now). I wasn’t even aware there was a term for it: covert incest.
I’ve long wondered what I could possibly do to help in those situations. Even from the perspective of someone as uninformed as I am, it’s clear how incredibly unfair it is to the child. Cruelty and abuse in the traditional, hateful sense tend to be obvious, and we all agree they deserve condemnation. But when a close familial relationship isn’t clearly malicious—yet is still damaging, as you point out—it becomes so much harder to identify and address.
–Scott
Covert incest can be extremely damaging to the child. He or she is made to feel responsible for the parent’s well being and heavily burdened, as a result.
Graphic details of the parent’s sex life may be shared w/ the child, along w/ worries the parent has far beyond the child’s capacity to address. This boundary violation can have lifetime ramifications.
If you are a close, trusted friend of the family, you may be able to encourage the parent to get counseling or even possibly express your concerns to the child, so that he or she does not feel so alone. Abuse can always be reported.
Fortunately, I don’t believe this is a situation that crosses into issues of sexual abuse, but it’s clear to me that one of the children has been burdened with an enormous amount of emotional weight and responsibility.
To be fair, the parent involved is in an extremely difficult situation—raising two children alone, one of whom is profoundly disabled. The parent focuses almost entirely on the younger, disabled child. The older child, who has challenges of their own (though nothing remotely like their sibling), seems to bounce between being an afterthought and being forced to act as their parent’s therapist. It’s always struck me as extremely troubling how much this child has been forced to carry, and I’ve seen the light in their eyes and personality fade over time.
I, along with others, have tried to help, whether by gently nudging, encouraging, or even directly intervening over the years. The bad news is that the parent has been less than cooperative. They’re convinced they know best and always respond by further isolating themselves and the children. The good news, in a way, is that things have become difficult enough that the parent has now turned to their parents—the children’s grandparents—who are well aware of the situation and should be able to step in with more authority. I believe the child who’s been carrying the emotional load will finally be well cared for and hopefully separated from the unhealthy dynamic, both physically and emotionally.
It was always clear to me that the situation wasn’t right. I didn’t realize until today that this could be considered a form of abuse. I’ll be praying that this chapter is finally closing. But if not, I now have a better understanding and some clarity going forward. Thank you—it’s truly appreciated.
You are more than welcome, Scott.
Wonderful article.. very informative!
Thank you, Cynthia. That means alot coming from you. ❤
You are so welcome! God bless you & the work you are doing! ❤
You, too, Cynthia. ❤
Countless times I asked myself how I would treat my future family and children if I were drained—my spirit under constant pressure. I asked myself this question a thousand times long before I had a family of my own, and each time, the very thought left me horrified. Anxieties, mental health struggles, and a discouraging environment do little to inspire confidence in someone preparing for parenthood. But somehow, it turned out differently. There will always be challenges—stress, exhaustion, and uncertainty—but having a family makes life easier to bear, not harder. And having a capable, supportive partner is, I believe, absolutely essential.
You are clearly a fine father, Hubert. Thank you for sharing. ❤
Thank you, Anna. I truly hope that as many parents as possible take the time to read your articles. They offer a valuable opportunity to reflect on their own parenting methods—and perhaps even recognize and correct some of the mistakes we all inevitably make along the way.
That is an enormous compliment, Hubert. It is my greatest desire to be useful to others, so that my own experience is not wasted.
Sad pinpoints.😔
Reading your blog is always a blessing, Anna, providing useful insights that I, for one, may have intuited but hadn’t found articulated so knowledgeably. Emotional scars are so quickly created, so hard to heal especially when inflicted at our most vulnerable but for God’s power and love.
Thank you so much, Dora. Yes, somehow God holds us up. His love for us far exceeds the love from others which may have been denied us. ❤
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Amen! So true as one of the scriptures you pointed out, Anna! God is “near to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). I am so glad that He sees us, and sees our worth, even when we can’t even see it!
Emotional abuse is so often brushed aside, yet it leaves the deepest marks. Thank you for speaking up with such clarity.
My sincere pleasure. ❤
You have illustrated that God’s love can indeed heal the un-healed wounds indeed, the insufferable.
For those who are unable to heal and those who have sort years of professional and psychological help but to no avail, this is real solace 🙏