Trauma Bonding

Cycle of Abuse Chart created by Avanduyn (PD)

A trauma bond is the emotional connection between a victim and perpetrator that arises from cyclical abuse (discussed below) [1A].  Trauma bonds can form in connection with the parent/child relationship, friendships, romantic relationships, sex trafficking, and in other contexts [1B].

Cyclical Abuse 

Cyclical abuse is characterized by increasing tension and placation; an incident of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; surface reconciliation; then a calm interval (however brief), after which the cycle repeats [2][3A]. 

Trauma Bond Components

Trauma bonds are based on terror, dominance, and unpredictability [1C].  Two main factors contribute to their formation:  a power imbalance, and intermittent reinforcement (reward/punishment) [1D].

Trauma bonds can have multiple components:

• Love for the abuser (or who the abuser appears to be on a good day). Hope and promises that the abuser will reform feed into this.
• Compassion for the abuser, if he or she had a difficult past.
• Fear of escalation, with the victim often receiving death threats, if departure is contemplated. Because of this, many victims conclude it is “safer” to stay with their abuser, despite the abuse.
• Fear for the safety of loved ones, whose lives may, also, have been threatened.
• Diminished self-esteem, as a result of the abuse.
• Lack of financial resources. Victims are commonly deprived of these by their abuser.
• Shame.  Public opinion is frequently that victims are “weak” to stay with an abuser or “materialistic”, if the abuser is well-off financially.  As a result, victims are likely to hide the abuse from others.  This serves to further isolate them.

The first instance of abuse is often viewed as an anomaly, a one-off [1E].  A profuse apology and professions of “love” lull the victim into a false belief that the abuse will not recur [1F]. 

Repeat instances of abuse generate a cognitive shift, i.e. a belief that preventing (or escaping) the abuse is no longer in the victim’s power [1G].  By this point the trauma bond has been well established [3B].

As the abuse becomes more severe, so do attempts by the victim to pacify the abuser.  These may include shows of affection toward the abuser.  For their own sanity’s sake, victims may minimize the abuse or rationalize the abuser’s behavior [4A].

Breaking the Trauma Bond

Leaving an abusive relationship can be highly dangerous, requiring thoughtful preparation and a strong support system.  Victims are often at greatest risk when they decide to leave. 

The necessary elements of an exit strategy (safe haven, key documents, etc.) are discussed elsewhere on this blog, and online [5]. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233 (or readers can Text 88788).

Breaking a trauma bond is possible, but can be extremely difficult.   Once victims have exited the abusive situation, the steps are likely to include the following [4B]:

• Locating helpful resources like job training or childcare in the area.
• Confronting negative emotions, preferably with the help of a professional counselor. Letting go of negative self-talk is an important part of this.  Victims are NOT irretrievably damaged, and NOT worthless. That they have survived at all is an achievement.
• Grieving the loss of the relationship, and the time invested in it. Journaling can be useful, in this regard.
• Rebuilding self-confidence. This may flow from a return to employment and financial independence.  Involvement in a cause or activity (once the victim has regained sufficient energy) can, also, generate positive emotions.
• Setting clear boundaries in new relationships.

Victims deserve to break free from trauma bonds, feel safe, and move forward with their lives.

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[1A through 1G]  Wikipedia, “Traumatic bonding”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding.

[2]  Wikipedia, “Cycle of abuse”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse.

[3A and 3B]  Choosing Therapy, “The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding” by Erica Laub LICSW (medical reviewer Meera Patel DO), 3/25/24, https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/.

[4A]  Choosing Therapy, “How to Break a Trauma Bond:  13 Steps from a Therapist” by Siliv Saxena MSW (medical reviewer Naveed Saleh MD), 7/30/24, https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/.

[5]  Choosing Therapy, “How to Leave an Abusive Relationship:  Advice from an Expert” by Hillary Carmona LCSW (medical reviewer Rajy Abulhosn MD), 3/8/24, https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/.

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