Public shaming: “For being born somewhere else” by Francisco Goya (1810-1811), part of a series about victims of the Inquisition, Museo del Prado (Accession No. D04052), Madrid Spain, (PD)
Many of us who suffered through childhood emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, and/or neglect carry a great deal of shame. This is, in part, because we feel on some level that we deserved the abuse; in part, because of our reaction to it.
There are numerous articles explaining that the abuse was the fault of our abuser; that we were wholly innocent victims. We may accept that, at least intellectually. There are fewer articles, however, addressing our response. So the shame lingers.
An Impossible Standard
As adults, we look back and hold ourselves to an impossible standard. Whatever our response may have been as children, we feel it was insufficient. We should have known enough to avoid the situation. Somehow, we should have gained control, found a way out.
- We should have screamed, never mind that we were so confused, stunned, or terrified we could not speak and did not think anyone would help us.
- We should have run, never mind that there was no means of escape.
- We should have fought back, never mind that the abuser was more than three times our size and had the power either to end our lives or abandon us.
- We should have told someone, never mind that we had no way to describe what was going on, that are loved ones were threatened, that we were actually concerned for the abuser, and/or that we did not expect to be believed.
- We should have left home, never mind that we were too young to live on our own, had no ability to support ourselves and nowhere to go.
We should have ____ . You fill in the blank.
Limitations
None of this self-criticism takes into account two vital things:
- First, that we were children with limited means, if any, of confronting such evil.
- Second, that the human body is only engineered for a limited number of responses to trauma. Those are fight, flight, freeze, and surrender [1].
ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse 