Public shaming: “For being born somewhere else” by Francisco Goya (1810-1811), part of a series about victims of the Inquisition, Museo del Prado (Accession No. D04052), Madrid Spain, (PD)
Many of us who suffered through childhood emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, and/or neglect carry a great deal of shame. This is, in part, because we feel on some level that we deserved the abuse; in part, because of our reaction to it.
There are numerous articles explaining that the abuse was the fault of our abuser; that we were wholly innocent victims. We may accept that, at least intellectually. There are fewer articles, however, addressing our response. So the shame lingers.
An Impossible Standard
As adults, we look back and hold ourselves to an impossible standard. Whatever our response may have been as children, we feel it was insufficient. We should have known enough to avoid the situation. Somehow, we should have gained control, found a way out.
- We should have screamed, never mind that we were so confused, stunned, or terrified we could not speak and did not think anyone would help us.
- We should have run, never mind that there was no means of escape.
- We should have fought back, never mind that the abuser was more than three times our size and had the power either to end our lives or abandon us.
- We should have told someone, never mind that we had no way to describe what was going on, that are loved ones were threatened, that we were actually concerned for the abuser, and/or that we did not expect to be believed.
- We should have left home, never mind that we were too young to live on our own, had no ability to support ourselves and nowhere to go.
We should have ____ . You fill in the blank.
Limitations
None of this self-criticism takes into account two vital things:
- First, that we were children with limited means, if any, of confronting such evil.
- Second, that the human body is only engineered for a limited number of responses to trauma. Those are fight, flight, freeze, and surrender [1].
Long-Term Impact
None of these four responses is any more or less effective than the other three. None is guaranteed to prevent abuse, particularly by a parent or caregiver with regular access to a child.
The immediate response to trauma, it should be noted, is automatic. The brain detects danger and activates the nervous system. Our response is instantaneous. We cannot be blamed for having chosen one response over another, when the trauma occurred. There was no conscious decision made.
But a pattern may develop which can hamper us later in life.
More important than how we now speculate we “should” have responded is the long lasting impact our responses may have on adult relationships.
A. Fight
The fight response is characterized by a strong urge to confront the threat, whatever it may be. In later life, this can manifest as anger, and a need for dominance or control.
The fight response may surface in situations where confrontation is unnecessary. Defensiveness, irritability, tension, and a simmering rage are typical. These can damage our adult relationships. We see everyone as an abuser.
B. Flight
The flight response is the urge to flee from danger. This is characterized by the avoidance of conflict at all costs. It can involve either physical or emotional distancing.
Anxiety, perfectionism, and workaholism are thought to fall into this category. Intentionally or not, we hold others at arm’s length, including those who might love us.
C. Freeze
In the freeze response, the nervous system effectively shuts down. This is, for all practical purposes, our attempt to become invisible. The freeze response is characterized by difficulty making decisions, procrastination, paralysis, emotional “numbness”, and – in extreme cases – dissociation.
D. Surrender
The surrender response goes by several names, but involves placating the abuser. This is the child exposing her jugular, in the forlorn hope of mercy.
In adulthood, the victims with this pattern of response are the people-pleasers who have difficulty setting boundaries and saying “no”; suppress personal opinions; and consistently prioritizes the demands (or perceived needs) of others ahead of their own, wisely or not.
Shame
No survivor of childhood abuse has any cause for shame. But the specter of our abuse hangs over the present day, when it should not.
The fear of conflict which is common to several of these responses leaves many victims feeling like cowards. Even the few who may as children have attempted to fight off their abuser are likely to feel inadequate in the present, having been unable to overcome an adult.
Revealing that we were abused does not reveal our supposed cowardice or inadequacy. It does not expose our shame. It simply serves to put our behavior in context.
Challenging that shame diminishes our need to relive past trauma in the present, freeing us to live richer, fuller lives.
Christ removes our shame, whatever its source. More than that, He promises those who believe in Him an abundant life (John 10: 10).
“Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame (Ps. 34: 5 NIV).
—
[1] Find My Therapist by Great Lakes Psychology Group, “The 4 Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn”, 3/31/25, https://findmytherapist.com/resources/trauma-ptsd/the-4-trauma-responses/.
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ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse and More 
Excellent post! More needs to be written about this shame since it’s such an important, complex topic.
Many thanks, Cynthia. ❤
You are very welcome ❤
I heard it said that regret is all of the sharp edges of memory turned in on ourselves. I’ve always thought was true, even under normal circumstances. But I imagine that can be exponentially worse, and a major aggravating factor for a victim, as if the experience wasn’t bad enough.
Very interesting, as always!
–Scott
Always glad to see you here, Scott.
Sometimes I think the worst is when an abuser does not use threats or violence, but “grooms” a child, gently appealing to every sinner’s willingness to believe we can have fun without consequences even when, as children, we know the “fun” is sinful.
“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:6
Tragically, the consequences last a lifetime for most children. But the consequences for the abuser will be eternal.
Thank you, this is helpful.
Blessings!
I am so glad, Louise. It is always good to hear from you. ❤
So many times as I’ve read the scriptures about how God’s grace and love are enough, I’ve asked the question “yes, but what about this or that? How can grace and love heal those awful things?” I always come back to the understanding that while God did not place us in a sinless environment, but He has prepared one for us for all eternity. I long for such a place…
So do I, my friend. So do I.
Your articles help me open my own eyes, and gain perception of reality which might have otherwise remained hidden. Thank you for your insightful articles, Anna.
You are very kind, Hubert. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Everything in this post is so illuminating, Anna, and helpful. Only Christ Jesus can remove the shame of childhood abuse, and free us from its chains. An abuser’s acts and words tell us not that we are nothing, but that we are less than nothing and oh how that takes a toll on the body and mind, even into adulthood. But Christ’s words and actions tell us that we are worth everything, even His own blood, even His life which He lays down to offer us true life, eternity with Him. No shame, only glory. “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
To receive power and riches and wisdom,
And strength and honor and glory and blessing!” (Rev. 5:12)
This is such a valuable contribution to the conversation! Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Great post, Anna.
I’d like to add that, as kids who are 100% emotionally and physically dependent on our parents, we tend to blame ourselves for their abuse and/or neglect as a coping mechanism driven by our need for survival.
In other words, abused children tends to protect their parents because this avoidance is less devastating than the raw truth. It helps them bearing the unbearable.
If we weren’t as good as deceiving ourselves in such terrible conditions, we probably wouldn’t make to the adulthood.
It’s time for an age of Survivor Literacy. We’re not the ones who should be ashamed.