The Rose Garden, Chapter 15 – Chocolate or Vanilla

Brownie and Ice Cream, Source https://flickr.com, Author Veganbaking.net

“The day for building your walls will come, the day for extending your boundaries” (Micah 7: 11).

A commentary in The Woman’s Study Bible makes an essential distinction between guilt and shame:

“Guilt is a God-given emotion that occurs when a woman’s mistakes and faults are brought to her own mind or publicly exposed…

Shame, however, says that the person herself is bad…that she is hopelessly defective, unlovable, inferior, and worthless.  Shame begins externally with a subtle implication through silence and neglect or verbal denunciation through words of abuse.  When such messages are repeated often enough, whether through words or actions, they become internalized into a false belief:  I must be bad to deserve such terrible treatment.  This becomes the core identity and the basis of thousands of future, flawed choices for the one suffering from shame [1A].”

The Study Bible goes on to say:

“Healing of shame begins when a woman identifies the lies she believed about herself…

Sometimes [however] the victimizing acts done to a person may be so shame-producing that she is still emotionally bound by that shame, though she understands mentally her [true] worth in God’s eyes.  In these situations, she must bring her shame…to Jesus.  Ultimately, only He can bring full emotional cleansing and freedom [1B].”

This is not easy for me, even today.  It is an ongoing process.

As victims, we are not the guilty parties.  However, it mistakenly feels that way.  Therefore, we punish ourselves.  Self-deprivation is one means.

Self-Deprivation

The victims of abuse will often deny themselves the essentials.  Some children will not wash.  They feel dirty and, at an unconscious level, want the world to know.  Other children become obsessed with cleanliness, as I did.

Since expiation cannot be accomplished (it is the wrong party being punished), the behavior is difficult to overcome.

My sister and I have more than once bought for each other the blouse, skirt, or coveted bangle we could not bring ourselves to buy.  As a result of her early trauma, my mother could not choose between chocolate and vanilla ice cream.

“Which would you like, Ma?”

“Either one is okay.”

“Really, it’s no trouble.  I have both.”

“You choose.”

“Do you want both, Ma?  A little of both, maybe?”

“Doesn’t matter.  You choose.”

This excessive desire to please on my mother’s part may have been the result of codependence.  But self-deprivation, also, played a role.  We kept for years in a plastic bag at the back of the refrigerator, behind the vegetable bin, a small fox stole my great aunt had given us.  It was, after all, too good to wear.

I have, myself, slept on the couch because there were new sheets on the bed.  Clothes are somehow more perfect hanging in the closet, clean and untouched.  New lingerie can stay in the drawer for months.  I have difficulty even today allowing myself the small luxury of a manicure.

There are echoes of my grandmother in this.

I can count on one hand the number of full-fledged vacations I have taken.  A friend called mine “Waldherrian” vacations.  These are never actualized:  all fantasy, no fun.

The best of my vacations — to England — was actually arranged as a surprise by my mother and sister for my 30th birthday.  To her great credit, my mother, also, paid for a school trip to Italy which lingers sweetly in memory.

When my grandfather died, college friends called with their condolences.

“We were so sorry to hear, Anna.  Is there anything you need?  Anything we can do?”

“No, thank you.  Not really.”

“We’re calling to find out where the wake is being held.”

“The wake?  You want to come to the wake?!”

“Of course.  We want to be there for you.”

“It’s all the way up in the Bronx.  I don’t want to put you guys to all that trouble.  Really, you don’t have to come.”

“But we want to.  Everyone’s here.  Everyone.  Dressed and ready.  We just need directions to the funeral parlor.”

“Thank you.  I’m grateful.  Truly I am.  But it’s better if you don’t.”

And so it goes.  Our instinct is to deny ourselves comfort in any form.

Boundary Violation

This brings up another legacy of incest, the vulnerability to boundary violation.

Sexual abuse impairs the capacity of childhood victims to protect themselves against further encroachment, even as adults.  Their rights have so long been ignored that victims lose the ability even to voice — let alone, fight for — those rights.

In my own case, I can cite several humiliating instances.

A. The Flasher

At the age of six or so, I was heading around the corner to the candy store, when I saw a “flasher.”  He was parked at the curb, and called me over to the car, ostensibly to ask directions.  It took me a moment to realize he had exposed himself.  Evidently, the surprised look on my young face was enough for him to drive off.

Afterwards, I did not tell anyone except a young friend who promptly informed her mother.  This woman kindly instructed me to inform someone at home.  I then haltingly attempted to explain to my grandmother what had taken place.

“Did he hurt you?” she asked.  Once I replied in the negative, she dismissed the matter.  Though still confused, so did I.

B. The Boy at the Beach

When I was about twelve or thirteen, an older boy at the beach unexpectedly fondled my crotch as we were playing in the surf.  I remember I was for the first time — proudly — wearing a bathing suit fitted with a bra.

I immediately ran back to my parents on the blanket, but did not relay the incident to them.  I was literally at a loss for words.  What could I have said?  How different was this from what my father had already done?

For years afterwards, my father would make reference to that boy.  “If we had only encouraged Annie at the beach that day, maybe she would go out more.”  Each time the comment was withering, compounding my shame.

C. The Ophthalmologist

In my early twenties, I was sexually harassed by an ophthalmologist.  In the darkened room where eye examinations took place, he began talking about masturbation.

Anyone else would have shouted for help or stormed out.  Stunned, I struggled to stay in control of the situation.  Fine control.  I let him complete the eye exam, paid my bill, and left without a word of complaint.

My parents, it is worth noting, gave control of a substantial part of their finances to a managing agent who refused ever to provide them a full accounting.

But boundaries can be repaired.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

There is another abuse scar with which I continue to wrestle.  This is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

PTSD effects approximately 7% of Americans [2].  Medical documentation of the condition (originally known as “Da Costa’s Syndrome”) dates back to the Civil War.  Accounts of similar symptoms go back much further.

PTSD can occur following such life threatening events as combat and natural disaster or violent personal assault, along with childhood abuse.  The disorder is marked by physiologic changes, along with psychological symptoms.

Most survivors of trauma or abuse will return to normal with time.  Some will have persistent nightmares and other stress reactions which can actually worsen over time.

Certainly, my mother suffered from PTSD.  No one could live through the events she experienced without some emotional scars.

Hypervigilance, an outgrowth of the startle reflex, is one of the symptoms of PTSD.

As infants, we react instinctively to loud noise and the sensation of falling.  Exposed to repeated trauma, the nervous system becomes over-sensitized.  In effect, we learn at a physiologic level to be always alert to danger.  An unexpected noise, a tap on the shoulder is amplified a thousandfold.

At times, I still hate myself for bearing these scars of the havoc my father wrought.  But fear of losing one’s sanity is not the same as losing it.  I remain certain of who was wronged.

—

[1A and 1B]  The Woman’s Study Bible (NKJV), Nashville, TN, Thomas Nelson Inc., Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982, 1995 Thomas Nelson Inc.

[2]  National Center for PTSD, US Dept. of Veteran Affairs, “How Common Is PTSD in Adults”, https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/common/common_adults.asp.

Copyright © 2008 – Present Anna Waldherr.  All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60247-890-9

FOR MORE OF MY ARTICLES ON POVERTY, POLITICS, AND MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE CHECK OUT MY BLOG A LAWYER’S PRAYERS AT: https://alawyersprayers.com