Abuse and Defensiveness, Part 1

“Richard Humphreys:  The Boxer” by John Hoppner (1778-1788), Metropolitan Museum of Art (Accession No. 53.113), Source/Photographer https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/436691 (Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Donation)

“Defensiveness is where you try to convince the other person not to think negatively of you, where you defend yourself, where you try to make sure you don’t get found guilty by the court.  Assertiveness is merely stating the truth.”

-Dan Munro [1]

Defensiveness is a psychological defense mechanism which involves justifying our actions when we experience shame, sadness, and/or anger as the result of perceived criticism [2A][3A].

Defensiveness is distinct from assertiveness in the defense of our rights.  One is emotion driven, an attempt (conscious or unconscious) to deflect blame to our opponent, and often related to anxiety or low self-esteem.  The other is simply a confident and reasoned communication style, which stops short of aggression [4].

Connection to Abuse

Abuse — whether emotional, physical, sexual, or arising from neglect — is a recognized cause of defensiveness [2B][3B][5].  Since we were unable to protect ourselves against abuse as children, it is entirely possible that we may become reflexively defensive as adults.

Domestic abuse can, also, result in defensiveness.

When we feel ourselves to be attacked (correctly or incorrectly), we go on the offensive.  Our response may take the form of the “silent treatment” (with no explanation to the intended recipient), sarcasm, insult, or argument far out of proportion to the situation which actually confronts us [2C].

Downside to Abuse Victims

Unfortunately, this approach is not necessarily to our benefit.  The best defense, in other words, is not always a good offense.

Our judgment is likely to have been skewed by past events.  Taught not to trust our instincts by repeated abuse, it is a struggle for us now to recognize danger signals.  Ironically, those signals will sometimes come in loud and clear when they are inappropriate to a situation.

In the attempt to overcome our past, we can overcompensate in the present, to our own detriment.  When we do recognize the error, our shame is compounded.  We castigate ourselves for failing to have learned better — as if we were not the victims of trauma, still carrying the scars [2D][3C][6].

Let me hasten to add that there are abusers out there who will prey on our vulnerabilities, even as adults.  These are to be avoided at all costs.  The challenge is distinguishing real enemies from imaginary.

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[1]  The Inspirational Lifestyle, “[Short] Assertiveness vs. Defensiveness:  The Difference, and Why It Matters” by Dan Munro, 1/23/23, https://theinspirationallifestyle.com/7222-2/.

[2A, 2B, 2C and 2D]  Verywell Mind, “What Is Defensiveness?” by Arlin Cuncic MA, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-defensiveness-5115075.

[3A, 3B, and 3C]  Healthy Love & Money, “What Is Defensiveness and How It Becomes a Vicious Cycle” by ED Coambs MBA, MA, MS, LMFT, 10/20/22, https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/what-is-defensiveness-and-how-it-becomes-a-vicious-cycle.

[4]  Wikipedia, “Assertiveness”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness.

[5]  Verywell Mind, “How to Stop Being Defensive” by Sanjana Gupta, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-defensive-7187366.

[6]  Science Advances, “Reversal of hyperactive higher-order thalamus attenuates defensiveness in a mouse model of PTSD” by Kaiwen Xi et al, 3/3/23, https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.ade5987.

This series will conclude next week.

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